My 100th Blog!

I decided that for my 100th blog, I would write about the Summer of 66. A.K.A.: Summer in the Villa 2004. A.K.A.: The Best Summer of My Life!

A lot of the credit for it being the greatest summer ever goes to Ritzy. I moved into apartment 66 with Ritz in April of last year. Everyone thought we were nuts for wanting to live together since we're both such um... entertaining people. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. First of all, Ritz happens to be THE MOST CONSIDERATE PERSON ON THE PLANET. She is a sneaky little service fiend. I would find that my bed had been made, dishes washed, or that treats had been purchased for me while I was out and unsuspecting. Plus, she's beautiful, and intelligent, and funny as all get out. So Ritzy, thank you for helping me have the best summer of my life!

I want to put as many memories of last summer in this blog as I can remember. If I've forgotten any, please add them in the comments. This could get long!

First things first. I actually put in Steel Magnolias so I could set the tone and remember more. (Ritz and I watched this at least twice a week.) It worked. I made a big list. I'll try and elaborate a little bit on things, but most things are self-explanatory. And I don't want this to be too long.

The summer was perfect and not ever too hot.
The summer started great because the coolest people ever moved into the Villa in Spring: Chris, Corey, Duard, and Drew. Everybody else was pretty much already there. If I forgot anyone, I'm already sorry.
We had a steady supply of popsicles and good friends.
Kimberly and I were looking at a wedding magazine when we found the famous "Seize it" picture.
Kat and Em and Liz lived to the left, and Kayla, Tina, and Heather lived on the right. What more could a person ask for in this life?
For my birthday, Kayla made me a butt pillow out of her jeans. And ya'll threw me the "Seize it" party. Which rocked! This prompted the visit to the Big and Tall store where I asked the big man where the underwear was. He asked, "Boxers or briefs?" and I said, "Both." I was really proud of us for staying calm and serious. Jay was wandering around on his crutches checking things out and then the man showed us the "Boxer-briefs." It was all over from there. Ritz said, "Oh! Those would look nice!" and we all busted up laughing. Then we explained to the girthy gentleman that we were going to use them to make pillows. He thought we were nuts. But the really really funny moment happened when we pulled up to Sonic and Ritz and Kayla stepped out of the car and they were each in a leg of the boxers. I seriously almost peed my pants. Then Ritz, Rach, and I all climbed into the tighty whities together. Good times.
The hammocks outside our apartment were great! The hammocks were the inspiration for the sleepover. I woke up cold, stiff, and mean. And yes Chris, I did fart, but not all night. Geez.
We kept our extra mattress in the living room because we liked to have friends over for nap-overs on Sunday afternoons. Those were great. After a while, we just left it there cuz we liked it, and we decorated it with our huge butt-pillows.
We strung up Christmas lights for all of our parties and brought my stereo outside.
We said good-bye to Rach and Maggie and hello to Natalie.
I became a twin. We listened to Kalai a lot.
I mostly got over my stage fright thanks to Joe and Moydie and got up the nerve to sing at the talent show and then at Muse Music. Oh the good old days of "Dirty Man" and "A Wonderful World." I loved when we got 11 brooms together and took the little stereo and busted into the guy's apartments singing "Dirty Man" and swept them out of their apartments!
Water-guns. Homemade popsicles.
Soccer games, softball, the Nickelcade, dollar movies.
X-Files and Law and Order marathons.
Shopping with Chris for his Spider-Man costume. "Does it go up my butt when I raise my arms?" "Totally. Just keep your arms down." Dyeing Tina's hair for the Spider Man 2 premiere.
Wedding after wedding after wedding after wedding.
Lewis and Natalie and their shocking engagement!
Nicknames: Nee'Nee', Nessa, Ninny, Nallie, No-No, and Nama. Who'd I forget?
Cuddling. Cuddling. Cuddling. Did I say Cuddling? Oooh, and good cuddle buddies. I was gonna put a thank you on here to each of them, but it would get long. Thanks guys.
Late night talks with Johnny M. Then late night calls when he went home to MD. The man just gets me. It's weird. I don't even get me.
Sunday afternoons in the canyon. Sunday afternoon make-overs.
Pedicures with Drew. Denny's at midnight.
Guarding the Loaf!
Avoiding Beard.
Crushing on Yastard.
Deciding that swear words are funnier if you put a "Y" in front of them.
Hanging out with Joe Miller.
Laundry and stain removal techniques: "Get out of her pants!!"~Ritz.
Mousercizing on the way to the laundry room.
Ann-Marie at the library.
Ward choir.
Saturday "What Not To Wear" marathons.
Saturday shopping trips. JC Penney runs.
The Famous Quote Board.
Taco Bell and Sonic.
BEAR LAKE!!
The Demolition Derby.
Painful sunburns. Jen Harms and her aloe in church. (I'm still laughing.)
And the famous, "Heeeeyyy!" "Wha's yo' name?" "Do a little turn for me. Um Um Um. That's nice." "Girrrl you bad."

When we moved upstairs to Apartment 69, we changed from being Grand Central Station to the Sanctuary. We were officially the oldest girls around and we dispensed advice and love from the Chocolate Box.
Oh the good old days in the Villa.

Sticking it out...

Goal:

Find band-mates.

This means I either have to find a band that needs a singer, or let the world know that I'm a singer who needs a band. I NEED to sing. I wake up and think about singing. I go to sleep and think about singing. Whenever I hear a song, I start re-arranging it in my head for myself. I could take the key down, maybe slow it down right there... oohh, this would be great acoustic.... This is what goes streaming through my head all the time. I go over lyrics while I'm filling out paper-work at my job. If I'm in a place where I can't just belt something out and I need to, I'll go for a drive and sing my guts out. I've stopped shopping for computers and I'm contemplating finding a really good keyboard and going to school for music. I've already started looking for a voice coach. It might be a phase. It might not. I hope I don't bail on this, I have a really bad habit of doing that. And this feels right.

That was totally you...

Inspired by Ritz, here are some funny things I've heard from kids lately:

Watching Ninja Turtles with a 4 year old in shelter:
Kid: "Um... Did you chust fahwit?"
Me: "No little dude, that was totally you."
Kid: "Oh yeah, I'm really fahw-ty wight now."
Me: "Did you eat some beans today?"
Kid: "No, I chust needs to fahwit."
He then proceeded to fart every 15 minutes and tell me every time.

A conversation between a 10 year old girl and a 12 year old boy:
Girl: Look at these ladybugs!
Boy: Whoa! That's one gigantic ladybug!
Girl: That's two ladybugs stupid.
Boy: Oh my gosh they're killing each other!!
Girl: (Rolling her eyes) That's called mating.
Boy: Oh.
Girl: Boys are so stupid sometimes.

Conversation with a four year old new to shelter:
Me: "Do you need something to eat darlin'?"
Him: (Eyeing me suspiciously) "No thanks."
Me: "Ok. Just let me know."
He gave me this look like I was crazy.
Me: (Puzzled) "What?"
Him: "I just don't like it when you call me someone else's name. I'm not Darlin, I'm Kevin*."
Me: "Ooohh. Sorry. I'll remember that."
*Name changed. You know, confidentiality.

My 2 year old nephew, pointing to apple-sauce, "Assle-sauce mama."
My sister and I died laughing.


98

Life is funny that way.

I was so stressed and unhappy at the beginning of this week, I was completely ready for a bum birthday. I was randomly bursting into tears several times a day all week. Remarkably, it was a really good day. My fam and I hung out and ate dinner and then just chilled and watched the american idol world's worst auditions and laughed like crazy. By the time the day was through, I'd developed this sense that I've finally grown into myself. It was cool. My life lay out in front of me, completely in perspective. Everything was ok. Everything was attainable. I was so aware of the essence of myself. When I was getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful person glowing back at me. It's been a really long time since I've seen that. I don't think I've ever really seen it. I've never fully believed it anyway. I've made it. A quarter of a century is a good thing to be. I hope I feel this way x 2 million when I turn 50.

Finally, a sense of accomplishment

Today is my day off, but I did work stuff anyway. I accompished so much today. I'm really proud of myself. I made myself wake up at 7:am today. It was physically painful, but very worth it. This is everything I got done by 11:30 am today:

Went to the Department of Economic Security and got free health insurance.
Went to the shelter and checked my work email.
Drove to 3 different PREHAB sites to collect newspapers and magazines for school drive on behalf of a 12 year old boy in the shelter. My entire car is filled with them.
Picked up the shelter mail at the Administrative Office and took it to the shelter.
Got to meet a lot of different people at the different sites who work for PREHAB and had some great conversations about our jobs and how much we all love this organization.
Transferred my car insurance to a cheaper policy.
Deposited birthday money at the bank.

I came home and hung out with my sis for a while, then took a beautiful long nap. My sis woke me up because my Grandparents had come to wish me happy birthday. Totally the best wake up call ever. We talked and laughed. I found out that my favorite Aunt, Suzy, is coming to visit next weekend. I can hardly wait. I used to live with her and we were really close. I haven't seen her in a few years and I miss her like crazy!

Anyway, I just wanted to report that things are fantastic.

Sorry 'bout that...

Thanks for all the supportive comments and emails I've gotten. I love ya'll like crazy. I'm much better today. I was totally exhausted last night, but I couldn't sleep a wink. I took the time to think about things and put things into perspective. I only had to work for 30 minutes today, so I've just been home chillin and doing my own thing. I realized that a lot of my frustration last night was compounded by low blood sugar and dehydration. Today I am hydrated, fed, and a little bit more rested, and things are ok. I was randomly reading horoscopes again today and mine actually happened to apply. I laughed when I read it. I decided to post it here.

Taurus
April 19 - May 19
You're obviously struggling with something big, dear Taurus. People's recent comments on your irritability are well founded. But don't worry, they'll forgive you eventually. In the meantime, do what you can to control your temper tantrums today. They stem for your current fears, which seem to be multiplying exponentially. Blame the current situation on the planets, and accept it as a lesson on the path to self-realization...

My mom is bringing me a trifle (READ: More pudding), and my sister, Big Mama, is gonna make dinner tonight, I got an adorable card in the mail from my Grandma, and an E-card from my B.F.F., Tara.
Everything is fine.
I love you guys!
Thanks for being so supportive!

Exhausted by the Exhausting Exhaustion

*WARNING: THIS IS A BAD MOOD POST. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.*

CONFESSION:
I'm so tired I've started getting the shakes again.
I basically just put my shaky hands under the desk and keep doing my job.
Luckily, I LOVE my job, or I wouldn't just push through this, I'd quit and hide under my covers.
As long as I keep everyone laughing, no one notices the hands, or the dark circles.
They really don't need to know.
Explaining my illness is getting really old and makes me feel like a freaking invalid.
I'm sick of people who aren't supportive, or sympathetic.
"You know, if you would just...." or "You know, you could, should..."
Ass holes.

I barely know what I'm capable of right now, so I know you sure as hell don't have any idea.
I want them to have to live in my skin for a week.
I've done this before.
This is BAD.

TODAY:
I went straight from work to a ward getting to know you activity so I can actually make friends, left early cuz I was afraid my speech was getting slurry with exhaustion, came home and saw Vonzell, my American Idol, get voted off, decided that I don't care about the show anymore cuz all that are left are Dirty-Creepy-Boring-Bo and Bland-Boring-No-Style-Carrie, and then my sister asked me what I want to do for my birthday tomorrow, and I told her I don't care, and I don't.

BUT I DO.

I just haven't put any thought into what I want. Let's see... A plane ticket out of the country, a cure for chronic fatigue, or just a real break from working so I can recover properly, health insurance, no more bills, a winning lotto ticket... I hate how birthdays always turn into big family ordeals lately. My brother planned a party for one of his friends here this weekend and when I reminded him that my birthday was this week and that I don't know what day is best for everyone to get together, he said his friend is really important right now. Bastard. But I don't know what day is best for everyone, because no one has mentioned my birthday until today. I feel like I'm re-living my 14th (or 15th?) birthday, the one when I ran away from home and went to stay with my best friend because everyone forgot me and then told me I was silly for making a big deal about it.

OH VILLA FRIENDS, HOW I MISS YOU TODAY!

Laughing all the way...

I started yesterday kinda grumpy. One of my co-workers patted me on the head (which I happen to really hate) and I let her know that it wasn't in her best interest to do that ever again. The pack-rat (who carries 3 tote bags full of extra stuff to work everyday) was just mad cuz I put a sign up that said "There are no junk drawers in this desk." After I spent a few hours the day before cleaning out 3 drawers full of her crap in the desk we all share. (I was itching and sneezing from the dust.) She felt like a dork, so she asked my co-worker, VivaMaria, what she would do if she pat her on the head. Viva said, "Pat me on the head? H--- no! You better not!" We all bust out laughing and that eased the tension a lot. Everything was so funny! You know those days? Viva and I ended up laughing so hard at I-don't-even-remember-what, that all our co-workers came out of their offices to investigate. Everyone else started cracking up and pretty soon we were all just laughing at laughter. Our clients would come in to ask a question and we'd have them in stitches too. It was great. The over-night shift came in at 10 to relieve me and told me that they heard a noise the night before and started sneaking around outside with flashlights and scared each other and I started cracking up again. I just couldn't help it. Even though they caught some guy trying to steal a client's car and had to call the cops and that's not really funny, I laughed until I had big fat tears rolling down my cheeks. Viva did too. One of our supervisors came back to work 4 hours after her shift ended just to hang out and eat dinner with us because we were so funny. She was on her way to a belly dancing class. We teased her the whole time. It was a riot. She's gonna belly dance for me for a birthday present tomorrow. They made me a pudding cake and lots of chocolate pudding and sang Happy Birthday to me today and we all laughed and and pigged out on pudding. I love spending 10 hours getting paid to laugh. I was super-busy screening clients and doing paperwork and laying the smack down on old ladies smoking in their beds, but now I have everyone saying, "It's your mom." Every time the phone rings.

When I grow up...

I want to visit Europe and maybe even live there.
I want to learn to sail and to surf.
Oddly enough, I want a non-fatal, non-maiming shark bite.
I want to sing, just once, in front of a crowd of 10,000 or more.
I want to ride an elephant.
I want to move back to the South and live in a big house with a wrap-around porch and big oak and magnolia trees.
I want to buy my mama the house of her dreams.
And I want to drive a race car.
I do not want skin cancer.

(This is from my About Me section, I really wanted to save it.)

this is a test...it is only a test...

Thursday, May 19, is the opening day of the final Star Wars movie.

Thursday, May 19, is my 25th birthday. (Very big deal.)

I do plan to see the movie eventually, but refuse to give up my special day for this movie, like I did on my 19th birthday, (against my will).

You are a man who loves Star Wars.

Which do you choose?



91

Hide your Horoscope!

I have a confession to make.
I read my horoscope every day.
Actually, I read all 12 horoscopes and then I pick the one I like the best.
Usually my thoughts go something like this:
"What? I'm going to have a one star day? Not lucky in love today? Yeah right. Lets take a look at Pisces today... oh that sucks. Virgo?"
I honestly don't take stock in horoscopes (as you can probably tell), but sometimes reading a good horoscope, even if it's someone else's, can inspire me to have a good day.
So I'm a horoscope thief.
I'm sure there's a better name for it, but I can't think of one right now.
Anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
Whew.

How my day redeemed itself...

First of all, I woke up with a headache and my brother was in the bathroom forever and I totally needed to pee and I stood in the cold hallway for 10 minutes cussing under my breath and periodically banging on the door. (I'm not nice or happy when I wake up.)
Then, after driving out to B.F.E. to get there, I didn't connect with the stylist at my consultation. I'm glad I went and met her before I booked an appointment and had to pay her $200 for a cut and highlights. She thinks I won't like myself as anything but very blonde. What? I won't like myself? Have you met me? "How you know me?"
I read a 50 page training manual on how to best help victims of domestic violence in polygamous communities. Including descriptions of 17 different polygamous religions and their practices and traditions. Totally sad and depressing and scary.
Work was slow and boring and I still had a headache. For all 5 hours.

And then...

I came home and Big Mama had made more pudding. Yummm.
I gave myself a beautiful french manicure totally free hand. I'm impressed.
I made plans to hang out this weekend with former roommates Christina and Suzanne and their significant others who just moved here.
I taught Boodji the songs, "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam" and "This little light of mine."
I found this blog and I really like these pictures.
My buddy, Liz-Of-The-Amazing-Hair, gave me the number to her stylist who sounds fabulous.
And the most amazing thing EVAH-EVAH:
I got an email from my very very bestest friend in the whole world, Tara, who I'd lost track of for a few years and I cried. Happy happy tears. I emailed her my cell number. I'm dying to talk to her.

It's gonna be sweet dreams tonight.

Why today was good...

I only had to work for 5 hours, instead of 10.
I was able to talk about my great church at work.
I got to watch American Idol for the first time in weeks (because I got home early)!
I got to hang out in my backyard with my sisters and bro-in-law and nephew and watch the sunset. (I usually get home after 10pm)
I discovered that instant chocolate pudding is amazing and tastes like fudge mousse if you substitute 1 cup of whipping cream for one of the 3 cups of milk it calls for.
I made a pregnant lady smile. (My sis, eating mousse-pudding)
Corey wrote a tribute to me and I love love love him!
I had instant message conversations with Ann-Marie and Joe Miller.
I have an appointment for a consultation with my soon-to-be-new-stylist tomorrow morning!
I only have to work for 5 hours tomorrow.
It's almost Friday, aka: Payday, aka: My day off.

Stranger?

More often than not, there are no strangers in my life. I'll talk to anybody like I've known them for years. But then I have days where I don't give a darn about people and will ignore everyone around me, though I usually get over it pretty quick. And very, very, rarely, I'm kinda shy.
So anyway... Today I was sitting in Sunday School in my new ward and an attractive gentleman sat down next to me. I was reading my scriptures when he sat down and he introduced himself and we chatted for a moment and then I turned back to my scriptures. He leaned down and looked at me and when I looked up, he smiled and said, "I know I've totally met you before." Me, "Probably." I went back to my scriptures. He just started talking until I looked up again and engaged in conversation with him. Persistence is a huge attraction factor for me, so my introversion flew out the window and we became thick as thieves. It was good to have someone to laugh at people with. People kept making completely random off-topic comments about the lesson or comments that weren't doctrinal and ya'll know I can't help but laugh. He laughed with me. It was nice. In the middle of the lesson, he started rolling up his shirt sleeves and I started to turn to help him and I realized that I really don't know him and just looked back at my scriptures. I'm so used to the 2nd ward where all the guys are like family and I can be all hands on like that. Chicken! I totally should've just taken care of business. I don't know where these sudden shy moments come from. Geez.

I'm getting there...

I'm going to be 25 in exactly 2 weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Another huge step: I've actually been eating regularly for a whole week. I'm pretty doggone proud of myself.

In other news...
I think I may have lost a friend. You know who you are. I'm sorry. It seems like a long time ago. But it wasn't. And I couldn't talk to you about it when you asked. I just wasn't ready. And I was afraid. I really am sorry.

it only hurts when i breathe

WARNING: This post is very sad. I won't be offended if you skip it.

My heart breaks at least once a day at work. Yesterday, one of the women in the shelter had to endure serious humiliation and tragedy. She has four children. She is homeless and doesn't speak very much english. Her abuser made her black and blue, made her homeless, made her afraid, made her pregnant. Yesterday, she got an abortion. She really had no choice. She is doing everything she can to take care of the children she has. She cried. We all cried. I held and fed her children while she cried and slept. My heart cracked wide open. She has made a friend in the shelter. Another woman with four children. They made plans. To be roommates, to get jobs, to help each other survive. That woman disappeared for several hours today. She left with her 3 youngest for an appointment and her oldest came straight back to shelter after school like she does everyday. Her mama wasn't anywhere to be found. I let her play on the computer and color as many pictures as she wanted. My co-workers and I exchanged looks of fear. 7 hours after she disappeared, she reappeared. Her face was tear stained and red. He knows I'm here. He was waiting at the bus stop when I got off the bus. I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid. I sat with her children in another room and watched a movie while plans were made to keep her safe. They have to go to be safe. My heart cracked wide open again. These four and I have become so close. I call them my shelter babies. I threw a birthday party for 2 of them last week. My heart hurts. I cried all the way home today.

Bring it.

I work at a confidential location. That doesn't mean people don't know exactly where we are. I'm working some nights this month since we're a little short handed. I've already been told every horror story about every abuser that has ever shown up on site. So when a strange truck pulled up in front of the shelter at 9:30, just as we were getting ready to change shifts, everyone stopped what they were doing and held their breath. As most of you know, the only thing that scares me is going crazy, so I stood up and said, "Oh no sucker, I'm gonna show you how it's done in the Dirty South!" and headed for the door. But it was just someone looking for directions. No big deal. The 3 other ladies all looked at me with eyes wide and then laughed at my bravado. I told them I'm gonna request a baseball bat so I can keep it under the desk.

living and breathing crisis

I learned some new tasks at work today. Because they had to be done and there wasn't anyone around to help. The clients in the shelter have thus far mostly viewed me as the nice one who doesn't tell them what to do and who works with the kids. Ya'll have to understand that I'm the youngest employee in the shelter. Now I do all of the other duties in the shelter as well. I do cleaning checks of all things! Which makes me an enemy to those who are looking for one. And some of the women are a little bit seedy. A new client came in today, a little shaken and shy as is to be expected and I quickly learned how to process all her paperwork. When I took her to her room, one of her roommates told me to take her to another room because they weren't going to make room. This woman is notorious for scaring her roommates. I turned around and as authoritatively as I could told her to move her stuff immediately. I could see the challenge flash in her eyes. But I'm not one to back down. We stood and looked at each other for a moment. She was sizing me up. I was running through all my non-violent physical restraint training in my head. With a new respect for me, she turned and walked away.
I also received two crisis calls and had to screen the clients and refer them elsewhere. Which is something I was supposed to be trained on yesterday, but there wasn't time and there wasn't any choice but to teach myself today. I just asked the callers to stay with me and not hang up as I looked through binders, resource books, etc., to find the appropriate info. It's all there in the office and well organized, I just hadn't been shown where yet. One of the callers was 8. I answered and she said, "We don't have food. My mom doesn't speak english. Can you bring us some food? My brother is crying. We're really hungry. Dad's still in jail. Are you coming right now?" I tried to get her address so I could get CPS over there ASAP, but her mother was probably afraid of deportation and she wouldn't tell me where she was. I gave her the number to a food bank. I'm getting used to my heart breaking over and over every day. We're sadly under staffed and my supervisor is stretching those she's got as much as she can. I don't mind. It's more money. And good experience.

lay off me, i'm starving!

I went shopping with 3 of my co-workers last Friday. I don't know if I'll be doing that again... long story. They all decided we absolutely had to go to Red Lobster and eat. I sat at the table cringing at their dirty jokes and feeling grateful that the girl sitting next to me downing beers wasn't driving. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, there was this really impatient truck trying to pull into our parking spot and one of the girls says, "Geez, what's his hurry?" I immediately said, "Lay off me, I'm starving!" They didn't get it. They all turned and looked at me and one said, "You just ate..." Yeah. I miss you guys.

Blessed

Today, we met as an extended family at my Grandparents' house. My Grandmama is very sick. She had a heart attack 5 years ago and has never fully recovered. A month ago she went into the hospital and I cried after I visited her. She was so pale. She is too weak to have a much needed surgery. All we can do is wait. And pray. She is the most noble woman I've ever encountered. Her beauty is indescribable. It glows from a place deep beneath her skin. When she opens her mouth, everyone stops to listen. My heart trusts every word. I never hesitate to do whatever she asks. Her unconditional love and influence have made me so much of who I am. She raised my strong happy Daddy and suffered more than anyone when he was gone. She raised 7 children whose very presence makes this world a better place because they carry so much of her with them. The thought of losing her makes my heart hurt. It aches and aches.
My Grandad asked each of us to fast today and meet at their home for dinner. We all gathered in the living room and prayed together. I sat with a sister on one side and a cousin on the other. As I listened to my Grandad's voice, supplicating our Father so that this miraculous woman might remain in our life longer, tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn't close my eyes during the prayer. I glanced around the room at the bowed heads, folded hands, hands holding other hands, arms rocking children and holding them close. Committed it to memory forever. Blessed to have this family. I feel more grounded than I have in months.