Reasons Why Not

OK, in my efforts to keep an open mind, I have been denying my natural and perfectly normal responses to my date. But I'm a girl. I want to psycho-analyze it and tell you all the reasons why not. I'm definitely an over-analyzer and could go on for weeks about this, but I'll leave it here. No need to smear all my neuroses and his all over this page. If you want to know more (trust me, there's a lot), feel free to call me or email me. I love date-dissection.

And if you, my date, are somehow reading this, great. You're a nice guy, but you aren't the guy for me. I'll never say any of this to your face, I'll just tell you it isn't going to work out, so if you are reading, get some insight and then leave me some comments about your perceptions of me. I can take it.

Here are a few of my many gripes:

I let my sister convince me to keep my views/important facts about me (like being allergic to the world) in a bottle. It's my fault for listening to her. I know that there is a time and a place, but to keep the things I feel very strongly about under wraps to catch a man is warped. That may be her game, but it is surely not mine. I am a passionate and outspoken person and I am proud of this dammit! I am loyal to my causes and to my varied beliefs. I don't believe that it is necessary or polite to stuff your opinions down the throat of a stranger, but when you've just met someone and you are spending time together to get to know each other and your date is painfully long, it's perfectly OK to let some of this stuff out of the bag. That's why you're on the date; to share info, ideas, and opinions and make a judgment. Sheesh. I did manage to let a big cat out of the bag. As we were driving along I saw a new pointless high-rise being built dangerously close to some sacred tribal land and said in a very exasperated tone, "Geez, What now?" He asked what I was talking about and I told him how much I hate developers who just keep adding to the sprawl. I told him that it was the raging environmentalist in me. He said, "Just so long as you aren't like an Al Gore environmentalist." Excuse me? I politely said that I most definitely was. And that if I had the ways and the means, I would be out doing exactly what Al Gore is. He was quiet for awhile after that.

Gripe # 1. Doesn't respect environmentalists. Global warming is not a myth people!

Another thing, we were at a salsa tasting festival. I love heat. I like good flavored salsa with just the right amount of heat. I can take A LOT of heat. But I am allergic to corn (read: corn chips everywhere) and bell peppers. Heh heh, yeah. I also left this in the bag and was willing to incur a potential migraine to get to know this guy. That’s big of me if I do say so myself. As is to be expected, I hate having allergic reactions. I took some allergy medicine before I left the house and was well stocked with provisions in my purse. I know the drill. After a lot of asking/tasting around, we finally found the hottest salsa at the festival and as the heat kicked in for my date, he said he needed to find water. I told him to eat a handful of chips plain and that it would help it subside. (It really wasn't all that hot, but the guy who made it was.) My date completely DISREGARDED my advice and set off to find COLD water. Then he stood in a long line for several minutes although I told him they weren't serving water, only tequila, again disregarding my advice, only to discover for himself that I was right. By that time the heat had worn off. Why the stubborn disregard of my wisdom in these matters? I know how to deal with a burning mouth. Believe me. My second to last comp in the mission was a gorgeous Mexicana who got me acclimated to salsa that locals couldn't handle. Heat and I are friends. At least he bought me a snow cone.

Gripe # 2. Doesn't take me at my word.

Then we were talking about jobs and somehow my old job in Provo came up. He asked why I didn't like it and I told him that they refused to promote me even though I was better qualified than others around me; that I’d realized that no females were promoted beyond a certain point and that the company was sexist. He scoffed at this and then asked me how well they paid and where were they located since he is moving to Provo this summer. Hello? I didn't tell him, I changed the subject. And another thing, he asked me how much money I make now! Again I changed the subject; I was actually quite taken aback by this tactless question. He brought it up again a little later and I said in just such a way that he would know that I found the question impertinent, "How much I personally make? Or how much people in my field make in general?" He stuttered for a moment and asked in general. I answered that it depends on their experience. He left it alone after that.

Gripe # 3. Might be a sexist. He obviously thought the discrimination that I went through was all in my head. Lacks tact. (OK, so this is two gripes, maybe even three.)

Oh and here is probably my biggest gripe by far: He was so into the salsa that I could've walked away (or run away with someone else) and he would not have noticed (at least for a while). I am a charming and beautiful girl if I do say so myself. And because I was on a date, I was on my best, most charming, and affable behavior. Not to mention the fact that I looked like a goddess with flowing curls, kissable cheeks, and sparkling eyes (no need to mention my glorious lips, they speak for themselves. Ha ha, get it?). It seemed like everyone at the festival was responding to my charm except my date. There was even a girl so enamored of me that she gave me a necklace. Two separate gentlemen stopped me in my tracks to talk to me even though my date was right next to me; because unfortunately he was invisible and forgettable. One interested stranger was so interesting and charming (the maker of the hottest salsa) that I nearly considered finding a way to slip him my number. He was so intent on talking to me that it became a little bit awkward and although I tried to involve my date in the conversation (he just stood there with a blank look on his face, while he shoveled more salsa); I had to graciously extract myself from the situation. I shouldn't have had to do that; my date should have involved himself in a conversation with me. I, at least, was trying.

Gripe # 4. The salsa and I were too hot for him.

OK, on to the next gripe, and I've blogged about this before. He was NOT a safe driver. Maybe he really was distracted by the hotness that is me, maybe he was daydreaming about wizards/salsa/snow cones and gumdrops, and maybe he was asleep.
HE RAN A RED LIGHT!!!
It wasn't a little bit red. It had been red for awhile before we got to it. He didn't pause or hesitate. Nothing. He didn't even see it. It's not like we were deep in conversation either. It was during one of the 500,000 silent spells we had when I needed a break from holding up both sides of the conversation. And that's not all folks, he is a drifter. He was drifting in and out of lanes that didn't belong to him like a drunken Granny. I was white knuckling the handle above my door. He didn't seem to notice.

Gripe # 5. I COULD HAVE DIED.

And last, but most definitely not least; I will leave this one with no explanation as it speaks for itself:

Gripe # 6. He called his "Maw-maw" THREE TIMES while on our date.

Truly.

The End.

A Few Things...

I posted some new links in my sidebar. There is a website called Web of Friends that is looking for young adults to share their stories of dating violence as part of a new campaign to help teens. If you have ever experienced dating violence, (dating violence is not just physical abuse, it is also verbal abuse and manipulation among other things), and are comfortable telling your story, please go there and do so. You may save someones life.

I'm finally going to start research for a project I've been thinking about for a year or more. I want to prepare a presentation for young single adults on family and dating violence, especially in the various forms that are unique to my religious culture. This has nagged at me for a year, but I've put it off. It can't wait any longer. I now have a friend who I think could be a remarkable contributor, so I'm going to see if she is willing. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am looking into the various shelters and social service organizations in my area and looking for job openings...

And last but definitely not least, it's that time of year again!

I'm participating in the annual Walk to End Domestic Violence again. You are welcome to check out my page and even donate if you feel so inclined. At least check out the event and who will be served by it.

Click here for info about the 5th Annual Walk to End Domestic Violence.

Click here for my page.

Lost and Found

In January 2003, when I was fresh off the mission, I made a very good friend here. Her name is Amber. I was very resistant to this friend at first and wouldn't even acknowledge her except to roll my eyes. I thought she was a prissy valley girl (sorry honey!). Then I was called as Enrichment Leader and she was called as Enrichment Teacher. I still didn't take the time to really get to know her, but I didn't think she was dumb anymore. I hung out with one of her roommates quite a bit and one night after going to get ice cream we decided to chill at their place and watch movies. Well, somehow Amber and I got into a conversation and we did not stop talking until the sun came up. She is truly an incredible girl. We were inseparable best friends from that moment on. Everyone thought we were sisters because we look and act similarly. She decided to serve a mission and got her call to Brazil and left for the MTC around the same time that I moved to Provo. Neither of us was good about keeping in touch and we basically lost each other. I've regretted this for four years!

I went to Institute tonight for the first time in a very long time. As I sat by a new friend and waited for the very large and crowded class to start, I saw Amber come in and sit down. I nearly jumped out of my seat and climbed over pews to get to her. But the class was starting so I sat quietly and decided to find her at the social afterwards. I looked high and low, but didn't see her and thought she must have left. Disappointed, I thought I'd try again next week. I spotted a few familiar faces and chatted with some new people when I spotted a 2nd cousin who I have not seen in months. As I was chatting with him, I spotted Amber again. Not wanting to be rude, I continued my conversation with my cousin. I saw her leave the room and was sure she was leaving, and again reassured myself that I could catch her next week. I bumped into a few more old friends and decided to leave. As I walked toward the door, there she was, chatting with someone. I walked up from the side and put my hand on her elbow. She turned and freaked out! She was so excited to see me. We were laughing and hugging and speaking in excited-girl-decibels and generally making a scene. It was great. I will not lose this one again!

Cheeeee!

So... I was holding Cheeks... and my sister Mojo pulled out the camera and told us both to smile. We both looked at the camera and Cheeks yelled, "Cheeee!" When I looked at the photo, I saw that Cheeks was checking to make sure I was smiling. I LOVE this photo. So, we decided to take another one and the same thing happened all over, except my sis had the super-zoom on or something . This kid is irresistable.

Yesterday he stood in my bathtub singing, "La la la, LAAAA!" to the tune of Beethoven's 5th while turning the water on and off. I told you the kid is a genius.

On another note, I gave my adorable brother, Nate, a haircut last week and then snapped some photos of him. Just thought I'd share.

Decisions, Decisions

I'm still weighing my options for school. I'm going to start at the beginning and see where I end up. I think I could serve the causes I feel the strongest about by helping the victims and the perpetrators of family violence. I especially want to help families, and as I've blogged about before, I have a gift with children. They will talk to me when no one else can get through. That's not a gift I can ignore. I was recently reading an article on one of my new favorite websites (thanks John) and thought about the kids that are living in detention facilities. It kills me. I work with kids who are living in safe and comfortable shelter and see first-hand the negative effects it has on them, so I can only imagine what is going on in the minds of children who are being held with their families in a place they cannot leave. Children need to be empowered in order to grow up with the ability to succeed and influence the world for good. When they are forced to live for weeks, months, or even years in places where their power has been taken, they will try to find ways to get that power back for the rest of their lives. And their methods may be destructive.

Spring Rituals

I've filled an enormous bag with clothes and shoes to get rid of...

...I purchased a half a dozen shirts in bright spring/summer colors...

...I'm organizing my things and spring cleaning... I'm trying to focus less on things and more on living a good life and helping others...

...I'm amassing crushes... a vital part of the ritual.

The problem is, my date is not one of my crushes.

Doh!

And I know that sparks don't always fly on a first date. But there has to be a little bit of something, you know? There really wasn't. My sister says it doesn't matter, my mom says it's vitally important. I'm proud of myself. In the past, I would write off the shy guys and wait to be swept off my feet. But the sweepy guys really like sweeping and don't usually want to settle down. I'm learning. So here's some of what I thought yesterday after discussing my date with my sister, my mom, Em, and Brandon, before I went to bed. I typed my jumbly thoughts out and now I'm trying to make sense of them:

I've been on enough dates to know what I need and don't need in my life by now. I hope. But maybe not, I am still single after all.

Quiet is just fine. Gentle is a necessity. So is Kindness. But not being able to share the decisions or to stand up to me is not negotiable.

I trust myself.

I have a very strong personality. But I am also balanced and know when to let someone else take the lead. I have plenty of quietness and introspection in me. I don't usually communicate my most thoughtful and introspective experiences here, but it's a big part of who I am. I seek to be fair and balanced in my relationships and not to be manipulative or dominating; but I cannot be with a man who cannot balance me out.

I respect myself.

I seek balance and equality in a relationship. Give and take. Respect. It's probably too early to tell, but this match seems lopsided. Perhaps I'm judging too quickly. But I need someone who can challenge me, match me, inspire me, respect me, love me. He seemed not only quiet, but slightly dull. I don't know if that's the right word for it... perhaps.... he lacks sophistication. That sounds shallow. I know. But that is not how I mean it. Maybe it is. But do you understand what I mean? Probably not. I think I'm being presumptuous and judgmental! Uh.... I'll get back to this after I spend more time with him. I'm truly trying to break my old dating habit of passing judgment too quickly. He asked if he could call me. I said yes. I'm willing to at least get to know him better. He is very nice after all.

I know myself.

I find that men with quiet strength suit me. Very dominant personalities, overbearing and in-your-face men with no true substance and I don't get along. Maybe as friends, but it never works romantically. Confident men who have a strong sense of self and have good character are just right. Integrity is vital. If those things are in place, it doesn't matter whether someone is quiet and shy, reserved, gregarious, or otherwise.

Heaven help me.

Finally

So...

My date went well.

I looked gorgeous. I wore a cobalt blue top and white embroidered jeans with turquoise jewelry. I almost couldn't make it to my date because like Narcissus, I looked at my reflection and fell in love. Hee.Hee.

He is very nice.

And very quiet.

We went to a salsa tasting festival.

And to an art museum.

Conversation was polite.

And minimal.

It was a 5 hour date.

I'm tired.

And still deciding...

26 Miscellaneous Facts

1. I take good care of my hands and nails. I rarely paint my fingernails. And when I do, I start hating it immediately.
2. I don't take quite as good care of my feet, but my toenails are always painted.
3. I'm fascinated by faces, especially noses.
4. Facial plastic surgery bothers me. See above. Leave your face alone!!!
5. I LOVE my feet even though they are hard to shop for. (Small, wide, high arches, high instep.) I think they are strong and pretty. I love high heels, my feet love flip flops.
6. I dance around my house while I get dressed in the morning. I have to make sure my blinds are closed.
7. I feel sexiest when well-moisturized and freshly bathed.
8. I say I know I'm beautiful, but I am always surprised when perfect strangers do double takes - but I like it. A lot.
9. I love gardening. And cooking. And reading. And none of these things are related.
10. I sometimes worry that people think I'm shallow and it hurts my feelings when people treat me as such.
11. I realized recently that I obsess over beauty because my Grandmother put a lot of emphasis on it and subsequently my Aunts do too and they have always been my role models.
12. I believe that my family are disappointed that I'm fat because they think that beautiful is a responsibility.
13. Maybe I think this and project it onto them. Maybe not.
14. I think faux is tacky. Nails, hair, eyelashes, fur (real or fake), etc.
15. I wish I could be a true vegan, but I love cheese. And pork chops. And leather shoes. And butter on my buttermilk biscuits. I'm allergic to all of the above except the shoes and the pork chops. And I'm sitting on a leather couch typing this. But I am trying to be more socially conscious.
16. I have not colored my hair since Fall 2004, but someone asks me at least once a week whether I've just colored my hair. Maybe it changes like people's eye color? Yeah right. I always think it looks the same - because it does.
17. I never used to wear white, but now I wear it all the time, even though I don't have to anymore for school. I love crisp white trousers and breezy white skirts. I look best in off-white.
18. I have a freckle on the side of my nose. I have 3 freckles resembling Orion's Belt on my abdomen. They start just above and to the right of my navel and end on my right side just under my rib cage. I've always had them. And I love them.
19. I renovate my own clothes a lot. I removed an offending ruffle from an otherwise great pale-tangerine linen skirt but left the sweet pin-tucks, and cut a pair of boring white linen pants into charming bermudas. I'm in the process of sewing a bold ribbon along the hem of a blah skirt. Lately I find that the clothes in the stores have too many details all at once, or not any. I'm all about balance. Yes, I will tell you where I got it, if you ask me nicely.
20. I'm obsessed with the pajamas Angelina Jolie was wearing in the first Tomb Raider movie when she was flying on her bungee thing. They look soft, silky, and fluttery and I really want some. Does anyone know where I can get some?
21. I don't sleep on sheets that aren't white. This is a relatively new OCD thing - as of about a year. But I find that I'm calmer and sleep better this way. I gave all my colored sheets away.
22. I wear less make-up now than I ever have in my life. And when I do put it on, I miss my skin and want to wash it off immediately, but I tell myself that I look better with it and so I leave it on. But I really do look better without it... I'm rambling.
23. I think I'm getting better looking as I get older. Maybe I just like myself more.
24. I love checking my blog stats. I've lots of visitors from the other side of the world. I just wish they'd leave comments. Strangers are welcome here! As long as you leave nice comments!
25. I love Audrey Hepburn movies & caper movies, like To Catch a Thief and Ocean's 11 & 12.
26. I'm an avid people-watcher. And I recently joined a website that my sister told me was like an LDS Myspace, but it's really an LDS dating site! Scary! I use it to people watch and to find old friends. Online dating is a frightening prospect. I keep getting messages from weird guys and at least once a day my sister and I can be found shrieking with laughter/terror while trolling the site. It's loads of fun. It's a great way to people-watch because you won't get caught staring.

That's plenty for now. I'll leave it at 26. 26 is a good number. And I have less than 2 months of 26 left, so I better represent.

What-evah

I'm working on tagging and organizing all my old posts. Stay tuned, it's an ever-evolving process.

I really really want Joss Stone's new album, Introducing Joss Stone. So I think I'm going to buy it for myself this week - to reward myself for being so great. I'm mightily disapointed in her current hair-do, but what-evah, I'm disappointed in my current hair-do. If she's feelin' it, I'll leave it alone.

In other news, I found out that The Crazy lives around here now - and that technically he's in my ward boundaries, but he hasn't shown his ugly self yet. No worries though, if he does show up, he's gonna take one look at the powerful goddess that I've become since then and run for his Crazy life! Sucker.

Joss Stone

Back in the saddle again

So I was singing along to my car radio just now...

"...Like Prince said you're a sexy mutha-
Well-a, I like 'em real wild, b-boy style by the mile
Smooth black skin with a smile
Bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun..."

...When my phone rang.

The caller said he's in my uncle's ward and that he was wondering if he could take me out this weekend. Sound familiar? Well... I had to turn him down because he just asked an Irish princess out on St. Pat's Day and my family always has a big traditional-ish dinner. But I did tell him I'd love to go out the next weekend. So I have a date next Friday. My first date in more than two years! I haven't even tried to date since I moved here. He hasn't decided what we're gonna do yet, so.... this should be an adventure. He was remarkably polite, but he sounds older-ish. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but I'm kinda nervous.

Wish me luck!

Help Stop Canada's Annual Baby Seal Massacre

I watched this and cried. If you have a problem with baby seals being clubbed to death for sport and "fashion," please go to www.peta.org and get involved. You can send a message to the Canadian Prime Minister and urge him to put an end to this vile tradition. Watch the video, who knows, it might actually affect you enough to help you change the world.

I am not conflicted, I am well rounded.

Ha ha! It's true.


And in other news, I have MONUMENTAL crush on a guy in my ward. I've had this crush for a long-ish while now and when it comes to this guy, that one shy bone in my body seems to dominate the others and I am not quite myself. I'm trying to talk myself into asking him out or something, but I'm telling ya'll, I am nearly tongue tied around him. And ya'll know about me and making the first move and if not, just know that at my core I'm a traditional southern belle who does not ask men out. This shy thing is a pretty new phenomenon. I've been making excuses and calling it mysteriousness. But I don't know if it's good or not. He might run away once order is restored and that shy bone goes back to being the runt of the litter.

Slow Down!

Can I just tell ya'll that the greatest way to wake up is by having an 18 month old baby bury his little face in your cheek, kiss you and say, "Hi, Ah-Loo." Yes, Cheeks calls me "Ah-Loo." And he's talking so much! Look at him, he's so big! Remember when he looked like this? He loves to run and sing and read books. He always gets the biggest book he can find off the bookshelf - and I'm talking ones that weigh as much as he does - and he'll sit and look through the whole thing, even if there aren't any pictures. I'm convinced he's gonna grow up to be a literary genius. I tried to teach him to sing "This Little Light of Mine" last night because I taught Boodji when he was just a little bit older than this, but Cheeks just wanted me to sing it to him, he prefers "Baa Baa Black Sheep." I'm crazy about this kid.

...And speaking of Boodji --- he just turned four! He's funny and articulate and loves everything pirate (the picture is of him imitating captain hook). My nephews and nieces are growing up so fast! Slow Down!

A feminist rant

I went to an Arts Festival yesterday. I really liked it. But I wasn't expecting the heat and got a little bit sunburned and found out that mineral makeup does have some SPF, but it's not terribly high. I wandered around with my mom and brother and couldn't help but notice - and I'm not generally very prudish when it comes to art - but I couldn't help but notice the abundance of female parts. It was a little alarming. And I'm not just talking about breasts - which were more than adequately represented - I'm talking about the more mysterious end. Now, I'm usually very opened minded when it comes to art, and can see the beauty in plenty of nude art, but I am dead set against the exploitation of women and their mysteries. Or of men and their mysteries for that matter. And I don't use the word mystery because I am naive about anatomy or think bodies are mysterious, but because I'm trying to be polite. In this age where anything goes, we allow people to cheapen things that are beautiful and special and sacred in the name of art or freedom of expression. I'm not about to advocate taking any one's freedom away, I just ask that you not set up your exploitative genitalia sculptures in a public place. Keep them in a private gallery where I don't have to see them and we'll be alright.

My brother and I were discussing this as we were walking along and I pointed out that there were absolutely no artistic representations of male mysteries anywhere to be found. And not only that, but a particularly graphic sculptor had male figures and female figures done in the same style, but the male figures were carved with speedo-like coverings and the female figures were fully exposed. Why? I happen to think that the female body is very beautiful, but did he create them this way because he thinks the female is more beautiful than the male? Or was it because in his heart of hearts he has less respect for the female form than the male?

Another artist had all-female sculptures where the heads and torsos were shrunken, but the more mysterious regions were enormous. I couldn't help but comment that if someone had sculpted male forms in the same manner, there would be no way that they would be allowed to exhibit at a famous festival. They would be criticized for being too inappropriate and/or erotic among other things.

I'm tired of the abundance of double standards in the world. I've always loved romantic comedies in spite of myself. But I'm noticing a pattern: the strong, interesting, funny, usually very successful woman who can't find a man/they meet/they have conflict/she changes herself or gives up something she loves or sells out in some way or settles all in the name of marriage/she wins him/they live happily? ever after. And the man is usually represented as being some incredible catch - usually it's mostly just because he's single. Um, hello?

I was talking with my cousin Brandon last night about a girl he just started dating and he asked me how a beautiful, intelligent, out-going, educated, interesting, and strong willed woman makes it to 30 without so much as a proposal. (He says she reminds him of me. ;) And I told him what I've experienced in my own life and stories I've heard in the shelter.

Men have told me that they are drawn to my spunk - my forthright manner and my strong personality. But this has also been what turns them off. Initially they think it's great, but then they realize that this isn't my catch-a-man-personality that I only pull out on the weekends. What you see is what you get. Then they run away. Suckers.
Women in the shelter have told me that they "used to be" spunky, strong, independent, funny... and that is what drew their husbands/boyfriends to them. So why did these men beat these qualities out of them?

I don't know!

We all know men who date younger women because they are malleable (creeps). We all know that there are control freaks who victimize timid women (evil bastards). But I know there are plenty of great guys out there. I am hopeful! But I still don't get it. If you have any insight, please let me know.

Here's my old list from a post I wrote in 12/2004, but it still applies. Here goes:

"What I require from a partner in a relationship are the things I require of myself. I may not meet all of these requirements, but there is a goal or a desire, and that's important too.

1. Faith. Not just belief. Belief + Action = Faith. Faith is an action word. Just like love. It's so much more than just professing to believe or to love, you must act on these things. I know that if you have true faith, you have a capacity for true love. Whether you realize it yet or not.

2. Passion. Please be passionate about something. What drives you, motivates you, inspires you? It can be me, but it needs to be something else too.

3. Integrity. Be a man of your word. Mean it, say it, do it, be it. Be true to me and true to yourself and it'll be all good.

4. Loyalty. Respect my trust and confidences. Once I let you in, you're really in and there is nothing worse than a betrayal of confidence.

5. Adoration. If you don't absolutely adore me, please don't waste my time.

6. Independence. Please be yourself. Keep being yourself. People change in relationships, just don't try too hard to meet anyone else's expectations - especially mine.

7. Tact. Ok, I know ya'll are thinking about all the times I've belched out loud or announced a fart, but I'm talking about true tact. Knowing how to act in every situation so that the people around you feel respected, confident, secure. Knowing when to speak up, step in, bow out, or clam up. Skill and grace when dealing with others.

8. Unconditional Love. None of this, "If only you would...were...did..." Either you love someone or you don't. Love isn't conditional. Don't ask me to be something I'm not and I'll return the favor. "

I'm done with this rant for now. Feel free to share your insight into my ramblings.

Happy International Women's Day!

Polar Bear SOS

Paths

Here is somewhat of an explanation of my current path, trust me, this is abridged.

I came to the realization that throughout all of my struggles of late, I have consistently found solace and peace at work. There were days on end when I was sure I could not get out of bed and face another day at that school, but I was always able to go to work. I found that I deeply resented that school for taking the energy that I wanted to give the women and children in the shelter. My sister said to me one day that if I didn't look forward to getting up every morning and going to that school, that I probably shouldn't be there. So I prayed and pondered. Earnestly. I looked deeply inside and evaluated my intention. I realized that my truest intention in going to cosmetology school was to provide a way for me to help other women. Some of the most profound experiences of my life have occurred as I have helped another woman to recognize her true beauty. So I naturally concluded that I needed to learn mainstream techniques for discovering beauty so that I could impart this knowledge to my fellow sisters. What I discovered is that real, true beauty comes from inside. We've all heard this and it sounds cliché; but believe me, it gains substance when you see it in action.

Beauty is seeing a woman lift her eyes and feel capable for the first time. Beauty is seeing a mother who has endured humiliating abuse humble herself even further and accept help from strangers in rearing her children. Beauty is a child who has known nothing but cruelty and fear; help another child who is new to shelter; it’s seeing them encourage each other and hold each other’s hands and show deep kindness.

In the past 2 years that I've worked at the shelter, I've considered leaving on several occasions to find a job where I can make more money. Whenever this has happened, my heart has told me that I can leave if I want, but that it will stay behind. I will eventually leave this particular shelter, but only when a better position at another program becomes available. I will advocate for victims of family violence as long as I live.

This summer, I'm going to start taking classes that interest me, focusing particularly on writing and women’s studies. I want to continue to work as a direct advocate for DV victims - and as a writer – to tell their stories and give them a voice. As far as a major goes, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I’ll keep ya’ll posted.

Spring

Things are really really good. Not perfect, thank goodness, because that would be boring, but really really good. I've had the opportunity to look inside and ask myself what it is that I truly want, and I've gotten my answers. I'll post more about those answers another time. For now I'm going to put my time and energy into the shelter. This summer I'm going to take a couple of writing classes and this fall I will begin a whole new course of study - more on this later. Life has come back into alignment for me and this is a wonderful feeling. Life is good. It feels like Spring.

I'll tell you what Brown can do for me...

My sister/roommate does a lot of online shopping. I feel good about it. The only thing is, I'm the one who is home when the UPS guy comes (at least once a week). It's always the same guy. And he always ogles me in my pajamas. You'd think that the sight of my wacky mop piled on top of my head, my mismatched and solidly unflattering pjs, and my no-makeup face and sometimes as of that hour un-brushed teeth, would put him off. Nope. He always gives me the eye and smiles his skeevy smile and thoroughly creeps me out. He always calls me by my last name and I always lock the dead-bolt after he leaves. I think from now on I'll just let him take the packages to our apartment office. Because I'd rather deal with the office managers, Miss Cuckoo and her sidekick Nutsy, then make sure my blinds are closed and that I've brushed up on my kung-fu every time a package is expected. Sheesh.