I'm in love...

...with French Bulldogs. I really really want one. Maybe a few months down the road... here's hoping. I love their little bat ears. I want a black and white one with black facial markings or an all black one with a white belly. They're irresistable!

I originally started this post on April 14, but got side-tracked and forgot about it until today.

I don't aspire to be great. I aspire to be as useful as possible. I've recently been able to read and hear some of the stories and histories of the people I've descended from. They were humble and hard working and God-fearing and compassionate. Not wealthy or famous and I don't want those things either. They were the best kind of every-day-people. I seek to be comfortable in the way that I live, but not at the expense of others or our dear planet. I've had some beautiful and introspective days recently. I've taken the time to think about the things I seek. Through the hikes with my brother and sister and I'm finding that I seek nature. I love seeing new places and exploring and feeling the sun on my face. But that is not what this is about.

I want to share some thoughts with you that I posted on my other blog some time ago. This is some of what I have reflected on recently:

I believe that we create our own destinies. That this is what God wants for each of us. That our greatest and noblest hopes and dreams and desires for ourselves are the things that He sent us here to discover and make happen. He loves us so very much that He will help us become all of these things. The struggle is conquering fear, insecurity, inadequacy, self doubt. This is no small task. These things are powerful and come at us from every angle and every speed everyday. We have to stay close to Him and re-focus and remind ourselves everyday of our goals and dreams. And we have to find people with focus and love who are as determined to help us get there as we are for them.

My greatest and noblest hopes and dreams and desires for myself are these: I desire to change the world; I desire to be of service to mankind; To teach and inspire and help the people I come into contact with; I seek to know God and know that by serving Him, I will be blessed; I believe that those of us who seek to know God have a responsibility to serve and educate those around us, not only in the ways of God, but in the ways that will help them to reach their full potential in the world; I desire to raise children to be intelligent and kind and thoughtful and open minded and to instill in them the desire and ability to change the world every day; I desire to help women understand that the old idea of what "feminism" means is outdated and damaging; That you, as a woman, have a right to be absolutely everything that you want; That you do not have to apologize for any of your desires and that you must be true to yourself; I desire to tell all of the people in the world who want to judge me harshly that I forgive you, but that does not mean that I will not try to stop you and love you and educate you every single day of my life; I cannot and will not be put into your box; I am what I am and I change everyday and I hope you do too; I desire to learn as much every single day as is in my power to do.

I will no longer chastise myself for not being what I have been taught I must be in order to succeed and be happy.

I will succeed and be happy by taking each day and allowing it to be what it is meant to be instead of what I, or someone else may try to make it. At the same time, I will make each day as happy and beautiful and productive as I can and will allow myself to have as many bad days as I want or need.

I desire to marry someone who is intelligent, kind, thoughtful, devoted to God, committed to changing the world, unwilling to sit idly by while the world suffers; someone who understands my need for an egalitarian union. I need balance. I also understand that a perfect balance takes time and I am willing to put in the work.

I know that God knows my deepest desires and that as I ask, He will answer.

Adventures in bad mascara.

Here's a quick review:

Mascara from Rachel Perry is crap. It smudges and generally gets all over the place. I've been wearing mascara since I was 14. That's nearly 13 years. I'm reasonably good at it by now. I hope. This stuff is so messy that I somehow managed to get it on my forehead. Seriously. That's never happened before. And by the time I'd made it to church today, it had migrated under my eyes and I looked a little piratey. I fixed it before I went inside though. Don't buy it. It's crap.

I used to be a fan of Revlon Fabulash. I haven't used any in a year or more, but I went and picked some up early last week because I needed waterproof mascara in a pinch with all that was going on. Well, it's waterproof, but it flakes like crazy. It flaked so much that it caused eye irritation and my eyelids got swollen and puffy. It's crap. Don't buy it.

WARNING: this one's kinda heavy

OK, time to process this and move forward. Not on, forward. I'm going to just get it out and log it, because it's part of my process. I don't know how readable it will be. This is for me anyway, so it doesn't really matter how readable it is.

I found that the sickness I experienced over the weekend kept me pretty distracted and I wasn't able to really think about things.

Monday I went throughout my workday and felt sad and low and exhausted and sore from being sick - but I stayed on track and kept all of my appointments. I decided toward the end of the day to attend the viewing although most of my co-workers chose not to. I arrived with two co-workers (Danielle and Carol) and soon found that my close friend Liz was already there, so I abandoned them momentarily. There was a big crowd just inside the funeral home and as I made my way forward to try to see what was going on, I noticed that all "viewing" had stopped and that someone was standing at the pulpit above the coffin preaching. It was unreasonable and unexpected, but I found myself to be very angry. I felt like this man was preaching to hear himself speak and that although he was speaking about Tiffanie, it didn't have anything to do with her. I wanted to shout at him. I know that anger is one of the stages of grief, but I didn't expect it, at least not in the way it was manifesting. He finally stopped talking and everyone started moving very quickly into the room where she was and I found myself being swept very quickly towards the front of the room. Liz was holding on to me and our friend Debbie was right there with us. As we neared the coffin, Liz whispered that she couldn't look and let go of me and went towards Tiffanie's mother. Debbie walked with me to her coffin and we stood together and looked at Tiffanie. I only glanced at her for a moment, as she looked so completely different from when I had stood in the hospital and held her hand and I didn't like looking at her. I was glad Debbie was there, she has a strong maternal presence. I went to check on Liz and hugged Tiffanie's mom. As I turned back towards Liz, we broke down at the same moment and just stood there holding onto each other for dear life while we wept. Liz said she was ready to look at Tiff and although I didn't want to go back, Liz wasn't about to let me go. We stood together in front of her casket and wept. Liz reached out to touch her and I did the same. As I touched her hand I recalled the exact same feeling when I attended my Dad's viewing 15 years ago. I held his hands and touched his face, I was looking for signs of my strong happy Daddy and didn't find him there, his warm and safe smell was gone too. She had that same solid, cold, dead feeling. Liz turned to me and said, "That isn't her. She isn't there." I smiled at her and told her that her amazing happy laughing spirit wasn't gone or dead, that we know she lives on. We held each other tight and made our way back out of the chapel and went outside where we chatted more about it and spoke to various friends that we met on their way in and out. I parted with Liz and Debbie and went home with the two I'd arrived with. As we were driving along they started talking about how beautiful she looked and how she looked like she was asleep and the irrational anger came flooding back. I wanted to scream at them. She didn't look asleep, she looked dead. I sat quietly in the back seat while all this anger coursed through me and I realized why I was so angry and let myself feel it and wept. I'm using the word "was" but in some cases "am" works too. I was angry that Tiffanie didn't get to marry Steven, she loved him so much and talked about him all the time. I was angry that she never got to have the babies she wanted so badly. I was angry that every dream and goal was left unmet and unfulfilled. I was angry that I never got to tell her how much I admired her. I was angry that I wouldn't have anyone to make faces with and pass notes to during long boring meetings. I will never hear her laugh or sigh in exasperation and roll her eyes when I tell her the latest antics of our clients. I was angry at the insensitivity of one of the clients who asked very callously whether or not anyone had "pulled the plug yet." I wanted to tell her to shove it. Angry that I will never again peek my head around the corner into her office and make a face until she looks up from her computer and notices me - and never again hear her yell in surprise and laugh. Never again seek her advice or her friendship. I am angry that there won't be any more inside jokes or long rides in the jumbo-van to trainings, no more nick-names and funny stories. No more Tiffanie.

She started working at the shelter 6 months after I did. She was coming up on her 2 year mark. I am sad and sorry that I took it for granted that I would see her everyday. She was just an automatic part of my life and I still can't believe she's gone sometimes. But things definitely feel different without her. I miss her. I realize that I spend my days with a truly incredible group of women and that I take them for granted. This has brought us all much closer and I've definitely tried to show and express my appreciation for them more.

On Tuesday morning we all drove over to the funeral together. Liz joined us and I rode with her. I wasn't outwardly emotional and went in the Sanctuary and sat with my dear friends/co-workers. As the service progressed, I found myself feeling very irritable and antsy and nearly got up and walked out several times. The service was very nice, but I was freaking out inside. My eyes teared up here and there, but mostly I was overwhelmed with the urge to escape from there. I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. As the service ended, the family began to walk up the aisle and the pall-bearers picked up her coffin and I could feel my grief rising to the surface. As soon as they came near to our pew I began to weep. Liz held me tight and began to weep with me. My heart broke for Tiffanie and her family and her poor fiance who looked like he couldn't take another step but who was very bravely carrying her coffin. My heart broke for all the reasons that I was angry about before and more.

After the funeral, everyone from work met at a restaurant where we had lunch together and told stories and just took things easy. Afterwards, I went to work for about 30 minutes, but couldn't stand it for one moment longer and went home. I was going to run errands to keep myself busy, but ended up going to bed instead.

Wednesday I didn't schedule any appointments and for our weekly staff meeting, we just ate and played games. It was relaxing and healing to just spend quality time together.
Thursday felt like business as usual and I let it feel that way. No tears, no recollections, just focus on my work (read: DENIAL).

Today I found things to keep myself busy, but Tiff's mom came to clean out her office and my heart broke all over again. Except this time I pushed things down and tried to ignore them. I went and sat in her office for 20 minutes, but didn't let myself process. Directly after work I went with Brandon and some friends to a big food and music event at the Zoo of all places, because I was sure I needed social interaction, only to find that I wasn't quite ready. I tagged along with everyone, but felt bad for them that I'd gone. I was quiet and just kind of stood around. We were standing right near the stage while The English Beat was playing and everyone was dancing and I was just standing there like a log. I almost started crying. I must have looked like it because one of our group kept looking at me with concern. Luckily we left pretty early, I don't think I could've made it much longer without falling apart. I held it together until I started typing this. But it's been really good to process this and get some tears out. If I find that there's more, I'll come back to this, but for now I'm going to bed!

(Here's a pic of Tiff and Steven at Halloween.)

On a lighter note...

The boys make me really happy. Boodji has a fantastic imagination and last week while we were playing in the yard, I taught him how to wish on a star. We spotted the first star and he made his wish (I told him not to tell me, but I overheard). He looked up at the star and said, "I wish I was in a castle." Then he turned around and imagined that he was in a castle and showed me all around and told me to watch out for giants. He's really great. Baby therapy - I highly recommend it.

Update

I did attend the viewing after all and the funeral this morning as well. But I'm not ready to talk about it just yet. I just wanted to post the link to her obituary and a picture of my beautiful friend before I go find something to do to distract myself as I couldn't spend another minute at work today. Here's a link to a memorial page as well. When I'm up to it, I'll share my experiences of the last two days and then I'll stop blogging about this. Grief is important, but so is moving forward. I'll get there, but I'm not there yet. Thank you to all of my incredible friends for your love and support. Truly, it really means a lot.

Any minute now...

...things will settle down. I'm sure of it.

I hope.

After everything that happened at work last week, I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend. No such luck. Friday "the angry redhead" came calling and left me with excruciating cramps. On top of that, Saturday morning at 3:00 am I woke up with stomach cramps and spent the next 12 hours violently ill as my body purged itself of everything I'd eaten in the last day and then some. I spent the rest of the day sleeping upright on my couch and sipping Gatorade. Today my whole body hurts from the violent illness of the day before. I've spent most of the day in bed and just ate a small bowl of brown rice to see if I can keep it down. So far, so good.

So now I'm facing the dilemma of whether or not to attend Tiffanie's viewing tomorrow evening. Her funeral is Tuesday morning and I will definitely go, but the viewing... geez I'm sick of this.

Sometimes I think I need to go to make this feel real, but then again, I don't want to see her like that. I'll worry about it tomorrow.

I'm going back to bed.

TGIF!

This week has been long and painful, but at least work is over for now. I've just forced myself to stay really busy and I've made it through. I've moved past shock and have moved into a stage where one minute I've accepted it and the next I'm in denial or I'm asking what time Tiffanie's coming in for the day. Because I've needed so badly to stay busy and because I want so badly to help, I've taken on half of the clients to case manage. As I've gone over files and tried to get myself organized, I've caught myself thinking "When Tiff gets back..." or "I'm not sure about this, I'll have to ask Tiff what this means..." yesterday I felt like I was just filling in for her. As though she's just on vacation. I was handed her hand-written to-do list and asked to complete some of her tasks and I made sure nothing was too urgent and then put the list out of sight. I can't handle it just yet; not in her handwriting anyway. I haven't been sleeping well, I've been having bad dreams that wake me in the night - but that I don't remember when I wake, everything I eat makes me sick, and whenever I sit too long I feel like I'm losing my mind. Even sitting and typing this my leg is twitching and I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I cried myself to sleep on Tuesday, cried with a dear friend and all the way through our group meeting where they brought in a grief counselor on Wednesday and have been pretty dried up and thoroughly exhausted for the last 2 days. I've been working 10 and 12 hour days, but I haven't stopped moving, I can't or I feel like I won't be able to start moving again. Today I went to work in very pale colors and when I stopped home during lunch I had to change into deep vibrant colors to try and draw myself out a little bit. It'll take time, but I know I'll be just fine. I didn't expect this to hurt so much.

But of course, I didn't expect this at all.

Bad Day

When I arrived at work this morning, I was greeted with the terrible news that my friend and co-worker, Tiffanie Lewis, had suffered a brain aneurysm in the middle of the night. She is only 23 years old. She suffered severe brain damage and by the middle of the day, had suffered complete brain death. Tiffanie is a beautiful and intelligent girl who was a dedicated Case Manager, working on her Masters Degree and planning to buy a house with her boyfriend and was dreaming of having a baby, but this is only a tiny glimpse of her. It was a stressful and hectic day at the shelter without this tragedy, so it's been pretty overwhelming for me. I was blessed to be able to go to the hospital early this afternoon and hold her hand and tell her good-bye, but it was and is still very hard for me to accept this. We had been laughing together on Monday night before she left for the day. Today she was so warm and peaceful that I kept waiting for her to squeeze my hand back or open her eyes and laugh. I kept hearing her laugh in my head over and over throughout the day. As I left the hospital with two co-workers, I broke down for the first time and was immediately supported by two sets of loving arms. Luckily, I am surrounded by remarkably loving and supportive people in my workplace. We pulled together and got through this day. Last I heard, her family was waiting for her father to fly in from Florida before her organs are harvested and her life support is turned off. I was able, for the most part, to focus on my work today and keep busy and distracted, but as soon as things slowed down and I left work for the day, I really broke down. I fear that tomorrow will be worse. The world has lost a shining star.

Please keep Tiffanie's family in your prayers!

Favorite Things

I just had to share the joy I experienced today when I learned that one of my favorite authors, Barbara Kingsolver, has a new book due out on May 1st. It's called, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and rest assured that I will have it in my hands as soon as possible.

I have Alice Walker's latest, We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting for: Inner Light in a Time of Darkness in my possession currently and highly recommend it. It's beautiful!

Both of these authors are best known for fictional novels, but I prefer their non-fiction, particularly their essays and poetry. Read Barbara’s Small Wonder and Another America/Otra America and read Alice’s Living by the Word and Absolute Trust in the Goodness of the Earth.

I've been reading various works by Zora Neale Hurston on and off recently and while reading some of her memoirs (Dust Tracks on a Road), I've come to feel a strong kinship to her. She was raised in the same place that I was, only 10 miles from my home, albeit nearly 100 years earlier and under very different circumstances; but her love of that beautiful place mirrors mine. I cried while reading her loving descriptions of the woods, rivers, and plant-life of Central Florida. It made me very homesick. I was blessed that the neighborhood where I grew up was bordered by woods on two sides, a lake on one, and orange groves on another. We were also a very short distance from the Atlantic Ocean. We also had a very large vegetable garden and many many flowers in our yard. I spent many happy years playing in those woods and catching catfish in that lake and swimming in that ocean. By the time we moved west when I was 16, we were bordered by huge subdivisions on each side that were named after the beauty that had been bulldozed to make way for monstrous hideous houses. My brothers and I spent a lot of time rescuing wildlife, particularly box-turtles from the crushing developments and housing them in our backyard (much to my mother's dismay), which should explain why I am very interested in the welfare of animals to this day.

I become particularly bitter when people who have never spent any real, quality time exploring the exquisite beauty and history of my home state, have only negative things to say and make it obvious that the only thing that they experienced there were bugs and humidity and ghastly tourist traps. It's your own fault if you chose to experience only those things, just don't share it with me because it's one of the things I have a tendency to carry a grudge about. Seriously. Judging my beautiful home by the tacky-Yankee-made-wonder-hole known as Disney World is the same as judging the entire state of Nevada by the Vegas strip. Maybe you do, but that's your small minded problem and not mine. I love Florida very much and will never verbally claim any other place as my home, nor will I allow you to speak ill of it.

I find that most of my favorite authors have a deep love for nature and the environment. They all seem to understand our deep connectedness to the earth and the importance of creating and maintaining a close relationship with it. I have always felt deeply connected to nature and have been spending more of my free time experiencing it firsthand, appreciating it, conserving it and sharing it with my family. Our weekly hikes are quickly becoming a family institution. We have such a great time while we explore the state together. We also sort our recycling together, garden together, and swap info on new and better ways to conserve and protect our environment and to help slow global warming.

One of my dear sisters was wise to point out to me that the commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to “…multiply and replenish the earth..” (Genesis 1:28), has only been halfway heeded. We have definitely multiplied, but we also have the commandment to “replenish the earth” The earth is our responsibility.

Think about it.

Fight fire with fire

I have a neighbor across the parking lot who watches every move I make. It's annoying. I know he's harmless, he just seems like a bored old man, but I find it terribly rude. I hate being leered at all the time. He seems to pay special attention to when I go to church and will be out there like clock-work when I walk out my door all dressed up. So I decided to put an end to these shananigans. For the last few weeks I've turned the tables on him by looking directly at him standing there on his balcony minding everyone's business but his own. I make it a point to immediately look up when I walk out as opposed to pretending not to see him as I've done in the past. If I'm in the parking lot or on my porch for any amount of time, I watch him. Well, for the last week, he goes inside as soon as I come out. If I look up, he looks somewhere else. No leering. Because he apparently doesn't like it. That's what I thought, sucker!

So Smooth

These guys are a favorite of mine. Enjoy!

"Ain't no party like my Nana's tea party..."

These guys are seriously funny. My brother introduced me to them a couple of weeks ago.

Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

Better late than never....

Today I finally accessed an email address that I forgot the password to and have not checked in more than a year. In my Inbox were several emails from dear friends! Sorry Nama, Kat, and Em, I wasn't ignoring you! So here's the survey that they each filled out and sent to me. It's been a year or more, better late than never!


Longest Survey Ever -- this is the longest survey you'll ever fill out!
Do the world a favor: fill it out and post it for all your friends....
Do this because the person who sent it to you didn't sit here for ages for nothing.
Answer all the questions honestly, no lying to avoid stuff.

Time started? 9:00pm
Single or Taken? Single
Gender? FEMALE
Siblings? 4 sisters, 3 brothers.
Eye color? Blue-ish/gray-ish/green-ish.
Shoe size? 7 - give or take.
Height? 5'2.25"
Innie or Outie? Innie.
What are you wearing right now? Navy blue t-shirt, light blue pj pants.
Righty or lefty? Bothy, although mostly righty.
Can you make a dollar in change right now? Yes, but not for long, tomorrow's laundry day.

Relationships...

Who are your closest friends? They know who they are. I love ya'll!
Do you have a BF or GF? Nopers.
Best place to go for a date? Anywhere interesting and safe.

Favorites...

Favorite place to shop? Gap Outlet, J.Crew, anywhere I find things I like.
Favorite kind of pants? Classic wide-legged trousers, jammie pants.
Color? Blues and greens.
Numbers? 2, 12, 28.
Animal? Elephants and Giraffes.
Drink? Water.
Sport(s)? Volleyball.
Fast-Food Place? Sekai sushi, Giant Hamburgers.
Month? May, duh.
Movies? In America, Dear Frankie, Steel Magnolias, Audrey Hepburn films, Oceans 11 & 12, To Catch a Thief, and most caper films.
Juice? Cranberry Pomegranate Delight.
Finger? Pinky.
Favorite cartoon character(s)? Teen Girl Squad.

Have you ever...

Given anyone a bath? Nieces and nephews, various children I've nannied for.
Smoked? No
Bungee? Frightening.
Made yourself throw-up? Technically no.
Eaten a hot dog? Yes.
Put your tongue on a frozen pole? No
Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes.
Broken a bone? No. I'm more prone to dislocation.
Played truth or dare? Yes. I choose dare.
Been in a police car? No.
Been on a plane? Plenty.
Been in a sauna? Love them.
Been in a hot tub? Yes. But I won't get in a public hot tub, they're disgusting.
Swam in the ocean? My favorite.
Fallen asleep in school? Yes... and at work and at church.
Broken some one's heart? Unfortunately yes.
Cried when someone died? Yes.
Cried in school? Not in front of anyone.
Fallen off your chair? Maybe.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Not all night.
Saved e-mails? Of course.
Made out with JUST a friend? What do you take me for?
Used someone? No... maybe. Not that I can think of.
Been cheated on? Yes.

What is...

Your good luck charm? My smile and my eyelashes.
Best song you ever heard? Hard to say.
Stupidest thing you have ever done? Too many to mention.
What's your room like? A bed, a night-stand, two bookshelves with lots of books, and a walk-in closet full of clothes.
Last thing you said? "...where's the...what in the...?"
What is beside you? My sister.
Last thing you ate? Strawberry So Delicious. Mmmm...
What kind of shampoo do you use? Aveda, Dr. Hauschka, Pureology.
Best thing that has happened to you this year? Nothing so far, but I plan to meet my husband...
Worst thing that has happened to you this year? Nothing so far and I intend to keep it that way.

Have you had..

Chicken pox? Yes.
Sore Throat? It's been a long while.
Stitches? In my chin when I was 7, and surgery when I was 18.

Do You...

Believe in love at first sight? I believe in instant attraction, but love takes time.
Like picnics? Absolutely.
Like school? Depends on the subject.

Would you/what is...

Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000 dollars? NEVER.
If you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with you? My family.
Who was the last person that called you? The bank.
What makes you laugh the most? A million different things.
What makes you smile? A million more different things.
Who is the last person you yelled at? The television, bad drivers.
Who broke your heart? Who didn't?
Who told you they loved you? Boodji.
Who is your loudest friend? They're mostly all loud.

Do you/Are You:

Do you like filling these out? well...
Do you wear glasses or contacts? Both.
Do you like yourself? Mostly.
Do you get along with your family? Mostly.
Stolen anything over $50? No.
Obsessive? Sometimes.
Compulsive? It happens.
Anorexic? In recovery.
Suicidal? No.

Love Life...

Do you have a crush? 5 or 6.
If so, do they know? Possibly, but I hope I'm not that obvious.
Have you truly told them how you feel, face to face? No. Crushes aren't full-blown love interests, there's nothing to tell yet.
How did they respond? You're an addict for dramatics.
Are you in love? No.

Randomness...

Coffee or tea? Herbal tea.
Phone or in person? Depends on the situation.
Are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child? 6th out of 8.
Indoor or outdoor? Outdoor.

Final questions...

How many people are you sending this to? The entire world wide web.
What are you listening to right now? The TV and the sound of my own typing.
What did you do yesterday? Worked most of the day, went to my sister Marjorie's birthday party.
Where do you want to get married? In an LDS temple.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I would be more ambitious and driven.
Are you a good driver? And careful.
Are you a good Singer? I'm middling, but not great.

A review of sorts

Here is my life since Thursday:

Thursday: I took care of my sick nephew all day. The day consisted of lots of walks in the stroller, crying, baby Tylenol, antibiotics, juice boxes, pb&j, cuddling, diapers, stories, singing, applesauce on my carpet, and a huge mess to clean up after he left.

Friday: I went shopping and bought myself some much needed pick-me-up clothing (3 pencil skirts, gorgeous cream colored linen trousers, and 2 blouses) and put together a fantastic Easter ensemble. I met my cousin, Brandon, at the mall and helped him shop. I also hung out with Brandon and a friend of his until the wee hours. We hunted down two parties (the first one looked questionable and it took us an hour to find the other), we crashed one date (the girl requested rescuing), and we learned that the Rain Forest Cafe does not have good food and that it's ok to say no to crazy bus drivers looking for love. We did a whole lot of nothing, but had a blast doing it.

Saturday: I slept in due to a hang-over caused by disgusting food and 15-too-many U-turns. I went hiking with my sibs, Reb and Dewey, in the mountains at the wrong time of day and got a sunburn and a good workout. It was really beautiful so it was well worth it and we're going again next week to try a different trail - but we're going in the early morning. Afterwards I lay under the fan in my apartment with my sibs eating "Giant Hamburgers" and watching Nicholas Nickleby. I went to bed early!

Sunday: I had a beautiful Easter! The weather was perfect, church was wonderful, and I had dinner with my family. My ensemble received rave reviews and the day couldn't have been better. Well... some of what made it so great was that while I waited for a friend who was coming over for dinner with my family, a nice young gent in my ward chatted me up for close to an hour. He's charming and cute and had somewhere else to be, but chose to stay with me. I love Spring crushes. He's number five on the Spring crush list, but if he calls me this week like I expect, he'll cruise to first place.

Life is good.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I love these stupid quizzes. Whaddya gonna do?

You Are Bold Red Boots

You like to put your most outrageous foot forward!

What Kind of Boots Are You?

Your Alias Should Be:

Sage Lola

What Should Your Alias Be?

You're Part Diva

You know that a girl's gotta work it to get her way in the world. And while you aren't about to throw a tantrum at every turn... You do amp up the drama when you know you need it. You mix charm, honesty, and kindness to get ahead.

Are You a Diva?

Guys Like That You're Charming

You're the girl most guys can't get out of their heads Even if they met you on a bad hair day :-) You just seem to "click" with everyone you meet So even if a guy forgets about you for a second... his friends haven't!

What Do Guys Like About You?

Check it

We are promoting an event at work called Denim Day and my city is celebrating it this Friday, April 6th. It's a rape prevention and education campaign. Check it out and if you feel so inclined, get involved.

Here's what it says on the website:


Italy, 1992
An 18-year old girl is picked up by her married 45-year old driving instructor for her very first lesson. He takes her to an isolated road, pulls her out of the car, wrestles her out of one leg of her jeans and forcefully rapes her. Threatened with death if she tells anyone, he makes her drive the car home. Later that night she tells her parents, and they help and support her to press charges. The perpetrator gets arrested and is prosecuted. He is convicted of rape and sentenced to jail.
He appeals the sentence. The case makes it’s all the way to the Italian Supreme Court. Within a matter of days the case against the driving instructor is overturned, dismissed, and the perpetrator released. In a statement by the Chief Judge, he argued, “because the victim wore very, very tight jeans, she had to help him remove them, and by removing the jeans it was no longer rape but consensual sex.”
Enraged by the verdict, within a matter of hours the women in the Italian Parliament launched into immediate action and protested by wearing jeans to work. This call to action motivated and emboldened the California Senate and Assembly to do the same, which in turn spread to Patricia Giggans, Executive Director of Peace Over Violence, and Denim Day in L.A. was born.

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A Landmark

Last week at work we toured a really incredible local social service facility . This facility houses 5 separate agencies, working together to serve victims of family violence. There are police detectives, counselors, social workers, forensic doctors, etc., all in one place to serve victims in a way that will help minimize the trauma of the process of reporting the crimes committed against them. There were 7 of us from the shelter and we were able to ask questions and to find new resources to provide to our clients.

Since no victims were present, we were able to go in and look around the on-site forensic medical facility where they examine victims of abuse and sexual assault.

The moment I walked in, the energy in there shook my insides.

There was so much fear and pain and despair in that place; it hit me like a shock wave and I immediately wanted to leave. I wondered if any of my co-workers were feeling the same, but no one was showing any obvious signs of it. We were shown the various offices and amenities and then we came to an exam room. No one would enter it. Our guide went inside and was explaining the high tech devices and the various methods of examination and no one could move. I then realized that I was far from alone in my feelings.

I stood there for a moment feeling all of this devastating heart-breaking energy, took a deep breath and felt these words, "This is not your pain. You do not have to fear it."

I realized that this is just another step along my journey. I have gained the ability to sympathise with and advise my clients without internalizing their grief. And now I am gaining the ability to face down fear and pain that does not belong to me so that I can help others work through it. In that moment, I felt my purpose in being in that place at that particular time and took a step. I went inside that exam room and in so doing quieted all the fear and pain swirling around me. I feel that I cannot adequately express this experience in words. It was a profound moment for me and I felt moved to share it.

I'm closer to determining my path. I find myself gathering information and looking into all of the various agencies that serve victims of family violence and the services they offer. I'm processing and pondering and praying. What my course of study will be is slowly starting to take shape. There are so many amazing options.