18 April 2005

A Letter to Mariah Carey from a formerly devoted Fan:


Girl, we need to have a talk. You know I only say this because I love you, but what the stank bacon are you doing? Collaborating with Snoop Dogg of all people? The whole world knows you can sing. Dang you can sing. I don't even know what would I do for a vocal range like yours. I, at one time, was probably your biggest fan. I spent countless hours as a teenager sitting in my room listening to your albums and honing my sound so that I could imitate you. So thank you for your influence, I have to admit that I've developed a fairly righteous set of pipes thanks in part to you.

So anyway, I happened upon your latest music videos recently...

I. Was. Embarrassed. For. You.

Girl, your hair is FRIGHTENING. You need to get back in touch with Mother Nature. The nasty mashed-banana colored whip you're sporting on your head isn't doing anything for you. Neither is your washed out mono-chromatic makeup. And what is up with the men in your videos? One is way too old and the other is way too young. You aren't fooling anybody. We know how old you are. You have enough talent that you can stop competing with younger artists. You are a Goddess in the music world. You don't have to compete, they should be bowing to you.

To be honest, I stopped buying your albums after Butterfly. They have just been too disappointing. I'm not a big fan of the Mariah of the past 10 years. Maybe try adding a new influence to your music. The R&B and Hip Hop scenes just aren't doing it for you anymore.

I know.

I had to go through this with myself. The ghetto influence is so strong. You almost feel like you're betraying your heritage. Trust me, I know what it feels like. I was sure my girl TshWanda (yeah, it sounds just like it's spelled) was gonna show up on my doorstep wielding The Pimp Hand when I started listening to country music. But she didn't. Jazz has been good for me too. But you know what really rocks? Electric Blues. Like Susan Tedeschi. Get gritty. Add a little flavor to your music. I know you got some Latin in blood in you. Maybe try some Rock influence? A little Funk or just good old fashioned Soul always does a body good, so does Janis Joplin.

Go hang out with Erykah Badu or India.Arie. These Sistas don't sound like anyone else. And I'm not talking about their voices. I'm talking about the distinctive sounds of the music they write. It's time to establish some street cred. Please, no more of this sell-out, creamy, homogenized juvenile Hip-Pop. You're better than this! I just keep waiting for it. Come on girl. I'm pulling for you. Now that Mimi (whoever that is) has been freed, maybe we can free Mariah.

Much Love,

A Patient Former Fan


Tiff said...

I had one friend my freshman year who was about as devoted as you to Mariah. I should put you two in contact.

Nama said...

If I were ever to write a letter to Mariah Carey, that's EXACTLY what I would say. Stank bacon & sell-out included plus a little "why you gots to be turning into a hoebag?".

Erika said...

Turning into a hoebag? Sorry, but she has been a hoebag since 1994. No offense or anything. It's true. She needs to make her hair frizzy again like it was when she married Tomy Matola. Oh yeah...the frizzzz....

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