20 April 2007


This week has been long and painful, but at least work is over for now. I've just forced myself to stay really busy and I've made it through. I've moved past shock and have moved into a stage where one minute I've accepted it and the next I'm in denial or I'm asking what time Tiffanie's coming in for the day. Because I've needed so badly to stay busy and because I want so badly to help, I've taken on half of the clients to case manage. As I've gone over files and tried to get myself organized, I've caught myself thinking "When Tiff gets back..." or "I'm not sure about this, I'll have to ask Tiff what this means..." yesterday I felt like I was just filling in for her. As though she's just on vacation. I was handed her hand-written to-do list and asked to complete some of her tasks and I made sure nothing was too urgent and then put the list out of sight. I can't handle it just yet; not in her handwriting anyway. I haven't been sleeping well, I've been having bad dreams that wake me in the night - but that I don't remember when I wake, everything I eat makes me sick, and whenever I sit too long I feel like I'm losing my mind. Even sitting and typing this my leg is twitching and I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I cried myself to sleep on Tuesday, cried with a dear friend and all the way through our group meeting where they brought in a grief counselor on Wednesday and have been pretty dried up and thoroughly exhausted for the last 2 days. I've been working 10 and 12 hour days, but I haven't stopped moving, I can't or I feel like I won't be able to start moving again. Today I went to work in very pale colors and when I stopped home during lunch I had to change into deep vibrant colors to try and draw myself out a little bit. It'll take time, but I know I'll be just fine. I didn't expect this to hurt so much.

But of course, I didn't expect this at all.

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