02 July 2005

SadNess

I spent the day with an old friend. We shopped and chatted all afternoon. He's changed so much.

My heart broke today.

Alcohol is a demon. I've watched it consume a sister, a brother, and now my friend. My hope for him is that he will overcome it like my sister and my brother have. Although they both still struggle at times.

He has been a remarkable rock in my life for the past 6 years. He's seen me through the darkest times. He knows every side, every facet of who I am. He knows my deepest dreams and goals and has always pushed me towards them when I seem to be stalled, or lost, or just unwilling to move. He's held me when I've cried and loved me through good and bad.

Now he has stalled. In his eyes, I can see everything that he won't tell me. He can see the concern in mine. But our unwillingness or inability to talk about it created awkward moments today. I keep telling myself that he'll talk about it when he's ready.

He introduced me to an attractive man this afternoon. Who invited me to a party. I smiled and flirted and told him I'd call. I won't. Because my friend will drink. And I will have no choice but to see him lose control. I can live in denial when he is with me because he's sober. Sometimes when he calls me I can hear the demon in his voice. Sometimes, he doesn't answer when I call and calls me back with weak excuses. But I know why.

I'm crying hot and achy tears as I write this. I miss the man he is inside.

He is the one who told me I am beautiful and I believed it for the first time. He is the one who built the pedestal and placed me on it so that I would never settle. The one who helped me understand and recognize so much of the divinity that is inherent in each of us. His goals have always been so pure, his intentions so noble. He is such a part of me, that watching him lose touch makes me feel a little less stable. It frightens me. I don't know how to help him. I don't think he will let me. I wish he would talk to me about it. My heart repeats a prayer for him over and over and over.

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