02 July 2005

Night-Night Time

I love living with a 2 year old. But you know something? For all the poopy diapers and tantrums and late night crying and watching Finding Nemo 50 times a day, it just makes me more baby hungry. My mom called me at work on Thursday night and said that Boodji was with her because Big Mama was having some early labor pains and they'd gone to the hospital. I didn't even think twice, I said, "Ok, I'm leaving here in about 15 minutes, I'll come right over and get him." I didn't have to. My mom could keep him and his parents could pick him up later that night or even the next morning. I walked in the door to my mom's house at 8:20pm, and my mom was sitting in the rocking chair with Boodji. He saw me and put his little arms up and said, "Lah-Lo." My mom told me he had a fever and I took him from her and sat with him in the rocking chair and asked him what he'd been doing at Nina's (my mom), and he told tell me in his little voice that he'd been watching movies and drinking juice, etc. Then he turned and wrapped his baby arms around my neck and buried his face in my neck. He's done that since he was born. It's the official "night-night" position. I rocked him and sang to him until he fell asleep. Then we put the car seat in my car and I took him home.

I want this in my life. I want my own babies that call me "Mama" and have special lullabies and who I can rock to sleep in their jammies. I need to be needed like that.

I realize that I need to be preparing for it. I need to be emotionally and spiritually and physically ready for kids. I'm trying to fight the fatigue so that I can be ready for school in the fall, but it's also so I can be strong enough to have or at least to take care of babies. I've been preparing in a lot of ways my whole life, but now I'm setting goals and preparing with this as my specific focus. My whole life, I had my mission as my goal and all my preparation was focused on that one thing. You'd think I would have already been focused on a family, but I really wasn't. I've had the last two and a half years to just be selfish and not have to think about anyone but myself. I've had enough therapy to know that a certain degree of selfishness is healthy, but I'm always a better person when my personal goals benefit more than just myself. Who knows when it will actually happen for me? Maybe never, but hopefully soon.

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