15 December 2009


I'm going to be very honest right now. Things have been REALLY hard for me recently. As the stresses have piled up, I've become increasingly negative and mean and unhappy. At first I was able to brush things off and move on, but after a while that became difficult to do. Things became so stressful and hectic that I was no longer enjoying the process of planning my wedding and have been having panic attacks. The combination of normal everyday stresses plus trying to balance the schedules of two very busy people plus trying to plan this beautiful important day on a shoestring plus trying to win over my future family who appear to not want this to happen equals a toxic combo for me. After weeks/months of stress, I spent last weekend alternating between anger, anxiety, sadness, and tears. Lots of tears. Garrett has been a champ. He's always calm. Always patient. He holds me and seems to know just what to say. He fights for me and advocates for me and loves me. When I came home from work yesterday afternoon I was in a horrible and sour mood. I considered calling in sick for the next week and hiding from everyone so my meanness didn't cause any problems. I sat down at the computer to work on the wedding guest list (which has been a source of contention and stress) and instead decided to catch up on blogs. It's been weeks since I've sat and just read blogs. I got to one of my favorite blogs, the NieNie Dialogues, and read through several posts I'd missed; this one caught my attention. Read item 6. (Read her whole blog) She spent Thanksgiving in the burn unit due to complications and this is what she had to say, "Mr. Nielson and I cuddled on my hospital bed over-looking the East river laughing and crying over our misfortune, which led to counting our blessings, which led to prayers of Thanksgiving." Reading this put things into perspective for me. She has been through so much and yet her life is full of hope and joy and love. Because she makes a choice. I need to take the time to count my blessings and offer prayers of thanksgiving. My life is full of them. I just needed some perspective.

Here's a sampling of my many blessings. If I tried to list them all, I'd be typing for days.

-A loving God who knows and understands everything about me. I do recognize that everything in my life is a gift from God.

-Garrett. He is devoted and gentle. He always puts me first. He lets me freak out and isn't afraid to stand up to me. He always holds my hand. He kisses me in public. He's patient when I'm not. He thinks my tantrums are funny. He can turn my tears into laughter. He loves my body. He understands that I need to be kissed and held often. He takes me to the temple once a week. He lets me style him. He sits still while I give him long haircuts. He grew a beard for me. He loves the ocean as much as I do. He accepts my family for who they are. He dreams with me. He helps my Mama. He's very handsome. He's always warm when I'm cold. He's great with my nephews and niece and wants a family as badly as I do. He loves it when I sing to him. He likes my smarts. He respects me. He tells me he loves me several times a day. He looks at me in a way that lets me know that he adores me. He is honest and goodness radiates from him. He is exactly what I need. He loves God. He is a gift.

-Amazing friends who stand by me and support me and let me vent and help me keep my focus.

-My family. They're thrilled about the wedding and love Garrett. My mom is making significant sacrifices to help us with the wedding. My uncle and aunt are allowing us to use their beautiful yard for our reception. Various aunts, uncles, and cousins have offered to help in many ways. My dad's cousin is making me a custom wedding dress. Everything is going to be beautiful thanks to my wonderful family.

I'm going to focus more on my blessings every single day.


Nama said...

Love you, Nessa.

And I love the NeiNeiDialogues. Seriously, that woman is so inspiring, and I love that she shares that with the world.

Rach said...

So obviously it's been WAY too long since I kept up on your life via the blogosphere...I'm sorry it's been stressful, but CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!! Chris and I send our love and best wishes. We know how it feels to be on a shoestring - the best thing is, once the day is over, you actually get to be married. Good luck getting to that point!

and p.s. You and Garrett are such a smashing couple!

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