My brother and I stayed up all night on Friday talking. Our conversation was deep and multi-directional. We talked about our personal struggles. We addressed negative influences and how to combat them, the need to make a difference in the world, the interconnectedness of the human race. He told me that his best friend just started doing cocaine. He is hurt and upset by this news. We talked about my brother's own drug use and the struggle of watching people we love hurt themselves.
My brother is a wise and spiritual person. He makes mistakes like all of us. He is often more in tune with the earth and the world around him than most people. He is kinder and more forgiving than me. We spoke of health and pure food, how toxic substances such as drugs and unhealthy food can impair judgment and life. How arrogance and apathy create war. How running away from a country that makes mistakes is not the answer, neither is breaking her laws. The beast must be healed from within. The healing has to come from our own homes, through our education, our love for a country built on beautiful ideals, our refusal to accept the status quo and to turn a blind eye to injustice, through our activism and our votes.
My brother told me that I have been the greatest spiritual influence in his life.
I was so deeply touched that I didn't know what to say. We sat quietly for a moment. I told him just that. He told me he has drawn on my wisdom through his whole life; the conversations that we've had through the years have influenced and sustained him. I sat across from him, feeling very unwise, and very unworthy of his praise. I thought about my struggles of late, the struggle to reconcile all my parts, to find balance in my life, to look really really deep and find my essence. I told him I feel unwise. That I look back at the little girl I was at 12, the wise and resilient child, and want to ask her what I should do next. Want her to show me the proper path. He laughed and reminded me that she is me. And that I'm even wiser now.
I really want to believe him. I feel like there are so many layers to my experiences. I'm trying to look back on the whole of my life and reconcile my experiences and learn from myself. I'm grateful to my brother for that night. I realize that being near him, and the rest of my family, is helping me to harness my essence. They remember the Me that I have sometimes put aside. The parts of me that have lay dormant while I've tried on different hats and different experiences. I'm grateful for every experience of my life. For the many paths that have brought me to this place. I'm excited for the next stage of my Journey. For the experiences that lay ahead. I feel like I'm at a jumping off place. There is so much to learn and see and do and be. I want to learn and see and do and be it all.