06 July 2006

Reality bites...

I woke up late this morning, got ready and rushed out the door at 7am to find my car, my mother's car, and my garage door covered with drying chunks of egg. One hour more and it would be so hot the egg would bake into the paint and ruin it. I ran in the house and woke my mom up, got rags and the hose and started washing. Luckily the egg hadn't dried. Between the egg and the evil ants that attacked my feet and legs, my morning was thoroughly shot. And I was trying really hard to keep my all white ensemble clean. School starts at 8am. It takes 45 min - 1 hr to get there. School policy is that if you aren't there by 9am, don't bother coming. By the time everything was clean, my clothes were not and … you get the picture. I went back to bed.

This whole school thing is rough. The learning itself isn't the problem. The problem is that I don't have any time to myself. No quiet reflection time, no reading time, no time to discover new music. No time to write poetry. No photography. My life is mindless grind. I get up very early and get dressed very quickly. Ironically, I rarely do my hair. My eyebrows are out of hand. My makeup is ok, but remarkably basic. I've left the house on two different occasions with chipped nail polish. (I once cried my eyes out on my mission because my trainer wouldn't let me fix my chipped nail before we left the house. I was raised that it's tacky and inexcusable.) My clothes are all white. I don't even look at which whites I'm pairing anymore. Because I don't care. My favorite skirt and shirt are ruined. I wear ugly shoes for comfort and spend my time trying to dodge the foulness and drama that's swirling all around me all day. This setup is making me mean, impatient, unkind, and unhappy. My first instructor gave me great advice, not to let anyone steal my joy. I repeat this to myself several times a day. It's hard, I tell you. I'm constantly on my guard and by the time I get to work everyday, I don't have any physical or emotional energy to help the kids. My boss sees it, but she's patient and supportive.

Something's gotta give.

I've already gotten really sick twice and I've used all my sick days for the school year except one; even though I've been meticulous about eating healthy, drinking TONS of water and taking vitamins. How come the people who get wasted every night after school and come in unprepared and hung over and stupid and who live off Red Bull and diet pills aren’t getting sick? I barely have time to do my laundry and grocery shopping and homework. I knew I was going to have to make some sacrifices for school, but I'm only 2 months into it and I feel like it's taking more than I'm capable of giving. Last week when I woke up with the stomach flu, I was sure at first that it was my chronic fatigue coming back with a vengeance because I was so tired I could barely move. I lay in my bed thinking about the implications of a new bout of fatigue and cried. The gut wrenching sickness that ensued was actually a relief.

When I started school, I wondered why there were so many pretty girls walking around with horrible looks on their faces. Now I realize that it's the stress of the environment. It makes you bitter. I love this field. I love what I'm learning. I'm angry that there are so many people around me doing everything they can to keep me down and make my life a living hell. To take the joy of learning what I love away from me. Often, these are people who don't have to support themselves and who don't have $14,000 in loans to pay back. It's overwhelming. I know that it'll be all right in the end because it always is, but the mean time is difficult.

1 comment:

Em said...

Hang in there Leah! I know you can do it! I know how hard it is right now. Believe me. But it gets better. And when it's finally over and you look back and realize what you've done you feel like you can do anything. Because you have.

Post a Comment