I've filled an enormous bag with clothes and shoes to get rid of...
...I purchased a half a dozen shirts in bright spring/summer colors...
...I'm organizing my things and spring cleaning... I'm trying to focus less on things and more on living a good life and helping others...
...I'm amassing crushes... a vital part of the ritual.
The problem is, my date is not one of my crushes.
And I know that sparks don't always fly on a first date. But there has to be a little bit of something, you know? There really wasn't. My sister says it doesn't matter, my mom says it's vitally important. I'm proud of myself. In the past, I would write off the shy guys and wait to be swept off my feet. But the sweepy guys really like sweeping and don't usually want to settle down. I'm learning. So here's some of what I thought yesterday after discussing my date with my sister, my mom, Em, and Brandon, before I went to bed. I typed my jumbly thoughts out and now I'm trying to make sense of them:
I've been on enough dates to know what I need and don't need in my life by now. I hope. But maybe not, I am still single after all.
Quiet is just fine. Gentle is a necessity. So is Kindness. But not being able to share the decisions or to stand up to me is not negotiable.
I trust myself.
I have a very strong personality. But I am also balanced and know when to let someone else take the lead. I have plenty of quietness and introspection in me. I don't usually communicate my most thoughtful and introspective experiences here, but it's a big part of who I am. I seek to be fair and balanced in my relationships and not to be manipulative or dominating; but I cannot be with a man who cannot balance me out.
I respect myself.
I seek balance and equality in a relationship. Give and take. Respect. It's probably too early to tell, but this match seems lopsided. Perhaps I'm judging too quickly. But I need someone who can challenge me, match me, inspire me, respect me, love me. He seemed not only quiet, but slightly dull. I don't know if that's the right word for it... perhaps.... he lacks sophistication. That sounds shallow. I know. But that is not how I mean it. Maybe it is. But do you understand what I mean? Probably not. I think I'm being presumptuous and judgmental! Uh.... I'll get back to this after I spend more time with him. I'm truly trying to break my old dating habit of passing judgment too quickly. He asked if he could call me. I said yes. I'm willing to at least get to know him better. He is very nice after all.
I know myself.
I find that men with quiet strength suit me. Very dominant personalities, overbearing and in-your-face men with no true substance and I don't get along. Maybe as friends, but it never works romantically. Confident men who have a strong sense of self and have good character are just right. Integrity is vital. If those things are in place, it doesn't matter whether someone is quiet and shy, reserved, gregarious, or otherwise.
Heaven help me.