silenced

I believe that the reason I haven't been able to return to blogging with any regularity is fear. I have been afraid to blog about my deep and personal and sometimes controversial thoughts and feelings. Unsure of how to proceed, I've withdrawn. Not wanting to be challenged or disapproved of, I've silenced my own voice. I'm determined to find it again. I want to confront my fears and allow myself authenticity. It's not as though I have a large following to please. Those few of you who still read this will love me anyway. I'll be back with more tomorrow.


P.S. I know it's technically Wednesday as I post this, but I'm still up, so this post counts for Tuesday!

A-Z of Me

I'm jumping on the bandwagon!

Age: 31.
Bed size: Queen.

Chore that you hate: Mopping.

Dogs: None currently, but I always had one growing up and I plan to adopt a couple when we have a bigger place!

Essential start to your day: Quiet, space, and a giant glass of water. 
Favorite color: Greens and blues.

Gold or Silver: Both, but I'm really into gold right now, especially rose gold. Please only buy recycled or used gold, the gold mining industry causes far too much harm!
Height: 5'2".

Instruments you play: Extremely neglected flute, piano, and guitar. I have a violin, but no skills.

Job title: Self employed and it feels sooo good.
Kids: None yet.

Live: In the desert.
Mother’s name: Nina.

Nicknames: Lulu, Nessa, Lah-lah Ba-nah-nah.

Overnight hospital stays: 1, in 2009.

Pet peeves: Bad manners.

Quote from a movie: Too many to choose!

Right or left handed: Right.

Siblings: 7! I'm #6. 1 older brother, 4 older sisters, and 2 younger brothers.

Underwear: Clean.

Vegetable you hate: Celery. It ruins everything. 

What makes you run late: I really try not to be late, I HATE it. I'd rather not show than show up late. When I'm late it's usually stress or anxiety related. 

X-Rays: Teeth, left wrist (not broken), collarbone (not broken), right foot (broken in two places). 

Yummy food that you make:  Pizza is my favorite thing to make. I love to cook.

Zoo animal: I have mixed feelings about zoos. My favorite wild animals are elephants and giraffes.

Love will follow

I've had three months of introspection. It’s been a blessing.

I am not an ambitious person. At least not in the way we usually think of. I am not business minded. I don’t seek professional accolades or a shining career.

I want to live Simply. Beautifully. Fully.

Growing up I always wanted to be a mother. I've loved babies and children since forever and never saw motherhood as something unimportant; I didn't even realize that it was grossly undervalued until I was older. To me it was more desirable than anything else. I would show up to career day at school without a costume or a speech about how I wanted to be a firefighter or a doctor or a veterinarian or an actor. I would simply tell everyone that I was going to be a mom; plain and simple. I was never embarrassed or ashamed; it was just going to happen.

I've experienced a lot of pain, frustration, and disappointment based on the fact that it HAS NOT happened. 75% of the jobs I’ve taken in my life have been some form of care-giving. Whether teaching preschool, or working as a nanny for disabled kids, or working with delinquent teens or victims of abuse, they have all been ways to nurture and give. It took me a long while to realize that that was what I was doing. While I am forever grateful for the things I have learned in these jobs; it has also taken me a very long time to be able to admit how much it really, truly and deeply hurts that things have not worked out the way I planned. I'm not doing myself any favors by continuing to pretend that it doesn't bother me and that my heart isn't broken. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve plead with God for a family. I plead, make promises, make covenants, do what I believe I am supposed to do, and wait.

...and Wait.

The wait became a Weight. I very nearly gave up and turned to face another path, one that I knew was wrong for me, one that wouldn't make me happy, but that I believed would be easier. I had one foot on that path. Sometimes two. I've weighed the options and looked at all the angles and I know that my original path is correct, that on it I will find happiness, it’s just that all the weighty waiting can be so hard.

After losing my job I had to face the fact that it hurt to be let go so abruptly and then stop pretending to be brave. It took a couple of months but I finally let myself look at the wound, have a good cry and mourn the loss.

Then I had to face the fact that the reason I was dragging my feet about finding a job was that I was frustrated about not being where I'd planned. I always planned to be raising children at this stage in my life; not trying to pick up the pieces and start down a new career path.

I do not want to work for another company or agency that demands so much of my time, energy, and focus. The work I was doing was valuable and important and I am happy to say that with one exception, I have always had jobs that I could be proud of. This job and agency demanded so very much from me. Early on I helped interview job candidates for the type of work I did and there were some who were turned down based on the fact that they had families. The work is not kind to families. I was on the road constantly and sometimes worked 10 or 12 or 14 days straight. I loved the actual work and the amazing people I was able to meet. I saw people change their minds and hearts. I saw light bulbs turn on as they truly grasped what I was teaching and even saw flames ignite as some discovered their life's work.

I began to doubt that my desire for a family would ever come true so I was determined to make domestic violence my life's work too. It's definitely a worthy cause. I'll always be involved with it. Always. But I'm so much happier and more content now that I've taken a step back and put my finger on my pain and stopped trying to cover up my disappointment with worthy causes.

I opened myself to the pain, disappointment and frustration. I need to feel it in order to move past it. Now I'm hopeful. Truly.

It's time for me to put my time, energy, and focus into myself. Now I'm looking for the kind of job that I will never have to take home with me; one that won't sap my energy and happiness. I need time in my life for things that are beautiful and creative and worthwhile. I need to spend time with friends and family. I need time for music making, gardening, writing, painting, and laughing, hiking, loving, knitting, cooking, creating, living. I cannot live another minute with daily grind. I don't care how poor I have to be to make this happen.

Isn't the moral of the story usually that love conquers all or the most important thing is family and/or human kindness/a connection with others/the wisdom gained from experience, etc, etc?

The moral of my story is that there are things in this life that I cannot live without. None of these things involve a 60+ hour work week or giving my energy and love to unworthy or even the most worthy causes without saving some for myself.

I don't expect the things I truly want and need to come easily; few things have for me. Now I can see what I need to do in order for these things to feel welcome in my life. I will create a beautiful and safe space for them and for myself.

Love will follow.

Rambling...

One of my 43 first cousins got married last weekend, one was married the weekend before, and another one is getting married in November. So far. Wait, did anyone else get married this year? I think another one got married in the spring... oh well. Too many to remember. For reals.
The cousin that was married most recently married a wonderful woman who I like very much. The cousin who was married the week before I am assuming married a wonderful man, but I've never met him. The cousin getting married in November I haven't seen in several years so I hope his betrothed is wonderful, she's pretty, but we all know that's not enough!

Anywho... this post was about to get really really boring as I droned on about my massive family. My family can be crazay... but sometimes I wish they were a little bit crazier and a different brand of crazy. I wish they were "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" crazy, but they're waaaayyy too white-bread suburban and waayyy too Mormon for that. Ok, maybe I am going to drone on. And then I might post some fly self-portraits. 'Cuz that's how I roll.

My brain is rambling right now, so I'm trying to keep this post on track, but it's really hard.......

Really...... hard..... I might have to blog later when my thoughts aren't running all over Hell and half of Georgia.

Ok, so I went to the wedding reception on Friday night and I looked fly. But I didn't take any photos of my outfit, I didn't even remember that I had my camera on me until I was driving home around midnight and I thought it would be a good idea to take some self-portraits on the freeway.

Do I recommend it?

You decide.

Happy New Year

Follow my lead and don't set any year-long resolutions!

I don't believe in them! I set short-term seasonal goals, they're more manageable and empowering. I'm knitting and limping my way into 2008. Both my knitting and my foot are improving day by day. This will be an excellent year because I'll be 28 this year and 28 is my lucky number.

Have a Lucky New Year!

Knitters R Cool Knitters Rule I Heart Knitting

Okay, knitting is GREAT. I really like it. I have one class left and then I will have learned all the basics. My mom asked me what I want for Christmas and I told her more bamboo knitting needles and beautiful yarn.

So, down to business: Ann-Marie, knitting is fantastic; Jon, yes I will teach you knit when we're married, but only if you put out; and Kat, dear Kat, I will start knitting you a man right away.

Things are going alright around here. I miss my friends. A LOT. Work is good, love-life is non-existent except for my top secret long distance love affair with Jonathan Harmon, hair is so-so, skin is Gorgeous if I do say so myself.

In need of a manicure, pedicure, haircut, windfall, man, car wash, and a man. Oh? Did I mention I need want a man?

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving because I really like my extended family. Personally, I don't really like Thanksgiving food. Never have. I really don't like mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, or even turkey. But I am all about pie. Especially pumpkin. If it was up to me, we'd serve sushi, especially delicious eel and lots of pie.

Speaking of family, I'm going back to writing on my other blog (in addition to this one). Mostly because my dear friend Julie taught me an important lesson recently, that just because you've forgiven someone doesn't mean you've healed from the hurts. The other blog is very therapeutic for me. I won't post any links to it from this site, so if you're interested in reading the depths of my soul, drop me a line and I'll send you the link.

Blame.

Why is it, that when a man's behavior is inappropriate, the woman is the one who feels guilty?

As a feminist, advocate, and activist, I have frequently expressed my outrage at the attacks on women that are blamed on them. It isn't fair. No matter who she is or what she does, no woman deserves to be disrespected, violated, or attacked. Or BLAMED.

I know this, I teach this, I live and breathe this. And yet...

I recently encountered a man who I found to be attractive, attentive, and charming. He was a ready conversationalist and I was happy to talk to someone interesting....

Until he wasn't anymore. And innuendo and filth were pouring out of him. I have never encountered anyone so straight-forwardly sleazy, at least no one that supposedly holds the same values as I do. Once he opened that gate, he didn't hold back at all. I was shocked. But I didn't act shocked, because that's what he wanted. I held my own, let it roll off my back, and extricated myself from the situation as soon as I could. With my pride and my composure intact.


Once I was home, I found myself feeling guilty. Even shameful. Guilty that I may have said or done something to provoke him and cause his behavior.

Why did I automatically put the blame on myself? I didn't do anything wrong. Why should I feel shame?

Because women have been made to feel shame for "tempting" men for eons. Inappropriate behavior from men is nearly always blamed squarely on the woman. And is the blame placed on her intellect? Her accomplishments? Her wit and charm? Her sense of humor? Her remarkable talents? Nope. It is placed on her anatomy. She is usually at fault merely for being female.

I've encountered this numerous times in my life. I was chastised and vilified on my mission when others expressed their feelings for me. I was always blamed. Of course I couldn't have gone there to do the work, I must only be there to catch a husband, since I couldn't get married any other way. This is how I was treated. I fought to hold my own, to earn the respect of those around me and to focus on the task at hand, and yet was considered half as committed while working twice as hard. I usually didn't even know I had "tempted" the individual until I was sat down with an anatomy book and lectured about how men got sick if and when they were repeatedly turned on with no outlet. This was my fault. I was watched. I was threatened with being "sent home." Because I am friendly, beautiful, and female. Apparently I was making young men sick left and right. The only thing I could have changed was the friendly part. I could try and hide the beautiful parts like millions of wounded women who have injured, mutilated, and hidden themselves in an effort at self-protection. Because they, like me, by virtue of being female have been blamed for the actions of someone else. I could have given up on my goals, given up the joy and passion that I experienced as a missionary, but instead I chose to fight. Not in a traditional sense. I did not go head to head with anyone. I merely worked harder, focused more, and proved that I was capable. The accusations still stung, they were still ever-present, but I let them roll off my back.

This is where I answer my own questions:

I blamed myself because I have been blamed by others. It was ingrained. I have been taught how to walk, talk, sit, stand, move, smile, dress, and breathe, so I would not tempt or distract a man. So I would not incite him to do something he shouldn't - by virtue of existing. I have been made to feel ashamed for being a woman. I feel outraged when it happens to others because I know what it feels like. I will call every filthy man out. I will never again allow someone else to make me feel ashamed of my body, my breasts, my smile, my personality, my vagina.

It is always easier to fight for others than it is to fight for ourselves.

Music to my heart.

At my essence, I am a homebody. I don't mind spending my Friday or Saturday nights hanging at home by myself or with my family. Lately I find myself turning down my friends' invitations in favor of spending the weekend at my mom's. My nephews are usually there and we play in the sprinklers, eat popsicles, read stories, make messes, and my favorite part: we sing together. Boodji and Cheeks are both natural singers and can follow any song after hearing it only once. I usually end up sleeping over there as Cheeks won't go to sleep without me if I'm anywhere in the house and I usually fall asleep curled up nose to nose with him, his little fingers wrapped tight around mine. Last night my Mom, my sis Mojo, Boodji, Cheeks and I all lay in a heap on my mom's bed singing lullabies. I love singing with my family. It makes me feel solid and grounded. It reminds me that I am a singer. It's in my blood. I never sound better than when harmonizing with the familiar voices that have the same tone and timbre as my own. And I love waking up in a tangle of arms and legs.

I haven't done much singing outside of family stuff since I moved here. Nothing like when I was in Provo singing in church with friends and with Joe, Moydie and Austin. I've missed it. I nearly forgot that I am a singer until Ritz moved here last week and pulled out all the old songs. I haven't even sung "Dirty Man" in more than two years! I know, it's shocking. Even more shocking is that I haven't sung my signature song, "Wonderful World" in just as long. I'm determined to start singing regularly again. I miss it. It's a really good outlet for me. I might even go so far as to take some proper singing lessons. We'll see.

Really Really Really Really Bad Mood

I've been in a really bad mood since Wednesday. Truly. I'm monumentally grouchy and everything pisses me off. So... here are my rants. Deal with it.



Guess what everyone? This is MY BLOG. If you don't like it, leave. You are not free to hate on me. I am outspoken. If you say something rude or SEXIST I will correct your dumb ass because that's what I do.



I am a FEMINIST... Who is sick of your stupid preconceived notions about what that means and who you've decided that I am because of it. Why do people flinch when I use that word? Yes I will make feminist comments at institute, in Sunday School, and especially in Relief Society. And you know what? The sisters in my Relief Society actually benefit from the things I say. They've told me so. I do not hate men, think I should hold the priesthood, or think that being a mother is oppressive. Your benevolent sexism (thanks Meghan) is not welcome here. Basically I hate you. Not really, but I do today because I'm in a bad mood.



I am also a daughter of God, who attends all my church meetings and basically goes through all of the motions that you happen to think I should, but I actually understand why I do it and I don't try to oppress other people with my oppressive and outdated patriarchal cultural practices. I will never be who you think I should be. It's not going to happen. But I'm going to continue trying my hardest to be who God wants me to be.



I have no formal education. You got that? None. I am by no means stupid or unqualified. I am freaking brilliant dammit! I believe that education is important. I am going through my life the way I choose to and on my own terms. I am bright enough and experienced enough to do your job better than you can. Yes I'm talking to you. If you don't believe me, try me.



I basically hate every guy I've met here so far. They're seriously a bunch of assholes. They are spoiled rotten and even the ones who have jobs and houses sit on their asses and play video games all day. They are looking for the younger versions of their mothers to wipe their noses and clean up after them while they verbally abuse them and go to church when they feel like it. Oh yes, if you are older than 18 and you play video games regularly, I hate you.

Self Love

It's okay if you're in love with me.

I am.

This pic was taken today. My hair is up as it reached 116 degrees today!

Here's what I wrote recently:

June 9, 2007

There are days I love and respect body and days I hate it. Today I love it. I feel strong, sexy, and confident today. Days like this I want to walk around naked all day – but alas, I don’t live alone. As cool as my roommates are I still don’t think they’d appreciate it.

Everywhere we look, we're faced with some form of plastic surgery. Whether it's the obviously fake noses and breasts on tv and in magazines, or the programs showing it, selling it, and glorifying it. I sat behind a girl in church with an obvious nose job. I truly hope that it came about out of some medical necessity and not because she really hated a part of herself so much.

While watching the tragedy of self hate going on all over the TV recently, I asked myself whether or not there were any parts of my body or face that I would surgically alter. I did an inventory. I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing. There isn't any way that any feature could be improved upon. I believe everything to be well-suited to me.

I've had some great conversations with little girls in the shelter lately. They asked me whether I was in a relationship or not and it led to a conversation where-in I was able to talk to them about the importance of setting their own goals and making themselves happy because they will never be happy with anyone else if they can't be happy alone. Let me say that again, because it's important: If you aren't happy with yourself, by yourself, you cannot be truly happy with someone else. Your unhappiness with yourself will not go away just because someone cares about you. If you are miserable when you are single, you will carry that misery in some form into your relationships. To quote J-Lo, "Get Right." I found a really great new website recently and this lady makes some good points and asks legit questions about this very problem.

I also noticed that people frequently disassociate from their bodies. I caught myself doing it while hiking one morning. When I was having difficulty at very steep places I found myself saying things like, "My body doesn't want to do this." My body and my Self are not separate. And I did want to do it! The fact of the matter was that I was trying not to accept responsibility for being less strong than I wanted to be. Instead of disassociating from and blaming my body as if were something I cannot control, I merely needed to hike more to gain strength. Self love is a process and just when I'm sure I've gotten it down, I discover another way that I've been oppressing my Self.

I find that I feel the most beautiful, strong, and confident when I am speaking in front of other women. Encouraging them and supporting them. Empowering other women and helping them understand who they really are and what their true potential is has become my passion.

This post seems kind of disjointed to me, but I'm leaving it here because I really want to post it. I'll come back and do some more edits later.

This is a picture of my kissy-spot.

No pics yet...

...And I'm not really in the mood to tie up the loose ends I left hanging either. I'm still employed at the same place, in my original position - and my crush isn't so legitimate anymore. I just really really don't like games. We're both too old for them. Call me or don't, flirt with me or don't, but enough with the games. No more guessing please.

I was in a kind if stressed out and high drama place with that last post and now I've chilled out significantly.

I LOVE my new place. My roommates are really great and everything is really laid back.

What to blog about? I'm feeling rather boring today...

I think you should know that I really like hot-dogs. Really a lot. I could eat them every day. Sometimes I do. I try various organic brands all the time and think I've finally found the most delicious ones. I buy them at Trader Joe's.

I love sushi. It's delicious.

Um... I'm also obsessed with stationary. Beautiful, interesting, unique stationary. I collect it... and yet I send emails. Yesterday I bought three new sets of gorgeous note cards.

I have more than a dozen random notebooks and they all have thoughts, poems, and writings thrown in with old shopping lists and even old homework assignments. I always date them. I should really put them all in one place. I started reading through some of them and there's some really good stuff in there.

Martha Stewart Weddings is my favorite magazine. I collect those too. They've come in handy numerous times while helping friends plan their weddings. My mom and I looked at some today and discussed my wedding that is never going to happen. I don't want a wedding cake - I really don't like cake all that much - unless it's my great Uncle Woodrow's pound-cake recipe. That stuff should be illegal. My mother finds this decision appalling. I find most frosting appalling. Wedding cakes are a waste of cash. I'm having key-lime pie. And you are making it for me.

Every time I move, I find dozens of bobby pins in various places (under the bed, on the closet floor, in the bottom of every single box I unpack, etc.). I always carry bobby pins in my wallet for emergencies.

I almost chopped my hair really really short myself the other night as I was feeling brave, but I thought better of it - only because I can't do the back very well by myself.

I started pulling shoes out of my closet this week and trying them on - I found that most of the "tall" shoes I wore when I was in Provo now seem low-heeled and easy to walk in. I've got some fierce new shoes.

I'm going to try to visit Utah in August or September... I'll keep you posted. If you buy me a plane ticket, I'll come tomorrow.

The End........


p.s. This is my 400th post!

Riddle me this...

What in the hell does a man mean when he tells you that you are the kind of girl that one marries, but not that one dates? Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to me. What if he says, "You're exactly the kind of girl I want to marry, but since I'm not ready to get married, I don't think we should date." That's a direct quote. Are you or aren't you dating to find a spouse? And I've actually heard this more than once. What the monkey does that mean?!? I don't get it. I think it's a cop out. Losers. Somebody please show me that there are some normal men on this planet.

I originally started this post on April 14, but got side-tracked and forgot about it until today.

I don't aspire to be great. I aspire to be as useful as possible. I've recently been able to read and hear some of the stories and histories of the people I've descended from. They were humble and hard working and God-fearing and compassionate. Not wealthy or famous and I don't want those things either. They were the best kind of every-day-people. I seek to be comfortable in the way that I live, but not at the expense of others or our dear planet. I've had some beautiful and introspective days recently. I've taken the time to think about the things I seek. Through the hikes with my brother and sister and I'm finding that I seek nature. I love seeing new places and exploring and feeling the sun on my face. But that is not what this is about.

I want to share some thoughts with you that I posted on my other blog some time ago. This is some of what I have reflected on recently:

I believe that we create our own destinies. That this is what God wants for each of us. That our greatest and noblest hopes and dreams and desires for ourselves are the things that He sent us here to discover and make happen. He loves us so very much that He will help us become all of these things. The struggle is conquering fear, insecurity, inadequacy, self doubt. This is no small task. These things are powerful and come at us from every angle and every speed everyday. We have to stay close to Him and re-focus and remind ourselves everyday of our goals and dreams. And we have to find people with focus and love who are as determined to help us get there as we are for them.

My greatest and noblest hopes and dreams and desires for myself are these: I desire to change the world; I desire to be of service to mankind; To teach and inspire and help the people I come into contact with; I seek to know God and know that by serving Him, I will be blessed; I believe that those of us who seek to know God have a responsibility to serve and educate those around us, not only in the ways of God, but in the ways that will help them to reach their full potential in the world; I desire to raise children to be intelligent and kind and thoughtful and open minded and to instill in them the desire and ability to change the world every day; I desire to help women understand that the old idea of what "feminism" means is outdated and damaging; That you, as a woman, have a right to be absolutely everything that you want; That you do not have to apologize for any of your desires and that you must be true to yourself; I desire to tell all of the people in the world who want to judge me harshly that I forgive you, but that does not mean that I will not try to stop you and love you and educate you every single day of my life; I cannot and will not be put into your box; I am what I am and I change everyday and I hope you do too; I desire to learn as much every single day as is in my power to do.

I will no longer chastise myself for not being what I have been taught I must be in order to succeed and be happy.

I will succeed and be happy by taking each day and allowing it to be what it is meant to be instead of what I, or someone else may try to make it. At the same time, I will make each day as happy and beautiful and productive as I can and will allow myself to have as many bad days as I want or need.

I desire to marry someone who is intelligent, kind, thoughtful, devoted to God, committed to changing the world, unwilling to sit idly by while the world suffers; someone who understands my need for an egalitarian union. I need balance. I also understand that a perfect balance takes time and I am willing to put in the work.

I know that God knows my deepest desires and that as I ask, He will answer.

A review of sorts

Here is my life since Thursday:

Thursday: I took care of my sick nephew all day. The day consisted of lots of walks in the stroller, crying, baby Tylenol, antibiotics, juice boxes, pb&j, cuddling, diapers, stories, singing, applesauce on my carpet, and a huge mess to clean up after he left.

Friday: I went shopping and bought myself some much needed pick-me-up clothing (3 pencil skirts, gorgeous cream colored linen trousers, and 2 blouses) and put together a fantastic Easter ensemble. I met my cousin, Brandon, at the mall and helped him shop. I also hung out with Brandon and a friend of his until the wee hours. We hunted down two parties (the first one looked questionable and it took us an hour to find the other), we crashed one date (the girl requested rescuing), and we learned that the Rain Forest Cafe does not have good food and that it's ok to say no to crazy bus drivers looking for love. We did a whole lot of nothing, but had a blast doing it.

Saturday: I slept in due to a hang-over caused by disgusting food and 15-too-many U-turns. I went hiking with my sibs, Reb and Dewey, in the mountains at the wrong time of day and got a sunburn and a good workout. It was really beautiful so it was well worth it and we're going again next week to try a different trail - but we're going in the early morning. Afterwards I lay under the fan in my apartment with my sibs eating "Giant Hamburgers" and watching Nicholas Nickleby. I went to bed early!

Sunday: I had a beautiful Easter! The weather was perfect, church was wonderful, and I had dinner with my family. My ensemble received rave reviews and the day couldn't have been better. Well... some of what made it so great was that while I waited for a friend who was coming over for dinner with my family, a nice young gent in my ward chatted me up for close to an hour. He's charming and cute and had somewhere else to be, but chose to stay with me. I love Spring crushes. He's number five on the Spring crush list, but if he calls me this week like I expect, he'll cruise to first place.

Life is good.

A Landmark

Last week at work we toured a really incredible local social service facility . This facility houses 5 separate agencies, working together to serve victims of family violence. There are police detectives, counselors, social workers, forensic doctors, etc., all in one place to serve victims in a way that will help minimize the trauma of the process of reporting the crimes committed against them. There were 7 of us from the shelter and we were able to ask questions and to find new resources to provide to our clients.

Since no victims were present, we were able to go in and look around the on-site forensic medical facility where they examine victims of abuse and sexual assault.

The moment I walked in, the energy in there shook my insides.

There was so much fear and pain and despair in that place; it hit me like a shock wave and I immediately wanted to leave. I wondered if any of my co-workers were feeling the same, but no one was showing any obvious signs of it. We were shown the various offices and amenities and then we came to an exam room. No one would enter it. Our guide went inside and was explaining the high tech devices and the various methods of examination and no one could move. I then realized that I was far from alone in my feelings.

I stood there for a moment feeling all of this devastating heart-breaking energy, took a deep breath and felt these words, "This is not your pain. You do not have to fear it."

I realized that this is just another step along my journey. I have gained the ability to sympathise with and advise my clients without internalizing their grief. And now I am gaining the ability to face down fear and pain that does not belong to me so that I can help others work through it. In that moment, I felt my purpose in being in that place at that particular time and took a step. I went inside that exam room and in so doing quieted all the fear and pain swirling around me. I feel that I cannot adequately express this experience in words. It was a profound moment for me and I felt moved to share it.

I'm closer to determining my path. I find myself gathering information and looking into all of the various agencies that serve victims of family violence and the services they offer. I'm processing and pondering and praying. What my course of study will be is slowly starting to take shape. There are so many amazing options.

Reasons Why Not

OK, in my efforts to keep an open mind, I have been denying my natural and perfectly normal responses to my date. But I'm a girl. I want to psycho-analyze it and tell you all the reasons why not. I'm definitely an over-analyzer and could go on for weeks about this, but I'll leave it here. No need to smear all my neuroses and his all over this page. If you want to know more (trust me, there's a lot), feel free to call me or email me. I love date-dissection.

And if you, my date, are somehow reading this, great. You're a nice guy, but you aren't the guy for me. I'll never say any of this to your face, I'll just tell you it isn't going to work out, so if you are reading, get some insight and then leave me some comments about your perceptions of me. I can take it.

Here are a few of my many gripes:

I let my sister convince me to keep my views/important facts about me (like being allergic to the world) in a bottle. It's my fault for listening to her. I know that there is a time and a place, but to keep the things I feel very strongly about under wraps to catch a man is warped. That may be her game, but it is surely not mine. I am a passionate and outspoken person and I am proud of this dammit! I am loyal to my causes and to my varied beliefs. I don't believe that it is necessary or polite to stuff your opinions down the throat of a stranger, but when you've just met someone and you are spending time together to get to know each other and your date is painfully long, it's perfectly OK to let some of this stuff out of the bag. That's why you're on the date; to share info, ideas, and opinions and make a judgment. Sheesh. I did manage to let a big cat out of the bag. As we were driving along I saw a new pointless high-rise being built dangerously close to tribal land and said in a very exasperated tone, "Geez, What now?" He asked what I was talking about and I told him how much I hate developers who just keep adding to the sprawl. I told him that it was the raging environmentalist in me. He said, "Just so long as you aren't like an Al Gore environmentalist." Excuse me? I politely said that I most definitely was. And that if I had the ways and the means, I would be out doing exactly what Al Gore is. He was quiet for awhile after that.

Gripe # 1. Doesn't respect environmentalists. Global warming is not a myth people!

Another thing, we were at a salsa tasting festival. I love heat. I like good flavored salsa with just the right amount of heat. I can take A LOT of heat. But I am allergic to corn (read: corn chips everywhere) and bell peppers. Heh heh, yeah. I also left this in the bag and was willing to incur a potential migraine to get to know this guy. That’s big of me if I do say so myself. As is to be expected, I hate having allergic reactions. I took some allergy medicine before I left the house and was well stocked with provisions in my purse. I know the drill. After a lot of asking/tasting around, we finally found the hottest salsa at the festival and as the heat kicked in for my date, he said he needed to find water. I told him to eat a handful of chips plain and that it would help it subside. (It really wasn't all that hot, but the guy who made it was.) My date completely DISREGARDED my advice and set off to find COLD water. Then he stood in a long line for several minutes although I told him they weren't serving water, only tequila, again disregarding my advice, only to discover for himself that I was right. By that time the heat had worn off. Why the stubborn disregard of my wisdom in these matters? I know how to deal with a burning mouth. Believe me. My second to last comp in the mission was a gorgeous Mexicana who got me acclimated to salsa that locals couldn't handle. Heat and I are friends. At least he bought me a snow cone.

Gripe # 2. Doesn't take me at my word.

Then we were talking about jobs and somehow my old job in Provo came up. He asked why I didn't like it and I told him that they refused to promote me even though I was better qualified than others around me; that I’d realized that no females were promoted beyond a certain point and that the company was sexist. He scoffed at this and then asked me how well they paid and where were they located since he is moving to Provo this summer. Hello? I didn't tell him, I changed the subject. And another thing, he asked me how much money I make now! Again I changed the subject; I was actually quite taken aback by this tactless question. He brought it up again a little later and I said in just such a way that he would know that I found the question impertinent, "How much I personally make? Or how much people in my field make in general?" He stuttered for a moment and asked in general. I answered that it depends on their experience. He left it alone after that.

Gripe # 3. Might be a sexist. He obviously thought the discrimination that I went through was all in my head. Lacks tact. (OK, so this is two gripes, maybe even three.)

Oh and here is probably my biggest gripe by far: He was so into the salsa that I could've walked away (or run away with someone else) and he would not have noticed (at least for a while). I am a charming and beautiful girl if I do say so myself. And because I was on a date, I was on my best, most charming, and affable behavior. Not to mention the fact that I looked like a goddess with flowing curls, kissable cheeks, and sparkling eyes (no need to mention my glorious lips, they speak for themselves. Ha ha, get it?). It seemed like everyone at the festival was responding to my charm except my date. There was even a girl so enamored of me that she gave me a necklace. Two separate gentlemen stopped me in my tracks to talk to me even though my date was right next to me; because unfortunately he was invisible and forgettable. One interested stranger was so interesting and charming (the maker of the hottest salsa) that I nearly considered finding a way to slip him my number. He was so intent on talking to me that it became a little bit awkward and although I tried to involve my date in the conversation (he just stood there with a blank look on his face, while he shoveled more salsa); I had to graciously extract myself from the situation. I shouldn't have had to do that; my date should have involved himself in a conversation with me. I, at least, was trying.

Gripe # 4. The salsa and I were too hot for him.

OK, on to the next gripe, and I've blogged about this before. He was NOT a safe driver. Maybe he really was distracted by the hotness that is me, maybe he was daydreaming about wizards/salsa/snow cones and gumdrops, and maybe he was asleep.
HE RAN A RED LIGHT!!!
It wasn't a little bit red. It had been red for awhile before we got to it. He didn't pause or hesitate. Nothing. He didn't even see it. It's not like we were deep in conversation either. It was during one of the 500,000 silent spells we had when I needed a break from holding up both sides of the conversation. And that's not all folks, he is a drifter. He was drifting in and out of lanes that didn't belong to him like a drunken Granny. I was white knuckling the handle above my door. He didn't seem to notice.

Gripe # 5. I COULD HAVE DIED.

And last, but most definitely not least; I will leave this one with no explanation as it speaks for itself:

Gripe # 6. He called his "Maw-maw" THREE TIMES while on our date.

Truly.

The End.

A Few Things...

I posted some new links in my sidebar. There is a website called Web of Friends that is looking for young adults to share their stories of dating violence as part of a new campaign to help teens. If you have ever experienced dating violence, (dating violence is not just physical abuse, it is also verbal abuse and manipulation among other things), and are comfortable telling your story, please go there and do so. You may save someones life.

I'm finally going to start research for a project I've been thinking about for a year or more. I want to prepare a presentation for young single adults on family and dating violence, especially in the various forms that are unique to my religious culture. This has nagged at me for a year, but I've put it off. It can't wait any longer. I now have a friend who I think could be a remarkable contributor, so I'm going to see if she is willing. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am looking into the various shelters and social service organizations in my area and looking for job openings...

And last but definitely not least, it's that time of year again!

I'm participating in the annual Walk to End Domestic Violence again. You are welcome to check out my page and even donate if you feel so inclined. At least check out the event and who will be served by it.

Click here for info about the 5th Annual Walk to End Domestic Violence.

Click here for my page.

Decisions, Decisions

I'm still weighing my options for school. I'm going to start at the beginning and see where I end up. I think I could serve the causes I feel the strongest about by helping the victims and the perpetrators of family violence. I especially want to help families, and as I've blogged about before, I have a gift with children. They will talk to me when no one else can get through. That's not a gift I can ignore. I was recently reading an article on one of my new favorite websites (thanks John) and thought about the kids that are living in detention facilities. It kills me. I work with kids who are living in safe and comfortable shelter and see first-hand the negative effects it has on them, so I can only imagine what is going on in the minds of children who are being held with their families in a place they cannot leave. Children need to be empowered in order to grow up with the ability to succeed and influence the world for good. When they are forced to live for weeks, months, or even years in places where their power has been taken, they will try to find ways to get that power back for the rest of their lives. And their methods may be destructive.

Spring Rituals

I've filled an enormous bag with clothes and shoes to get rid of...

...I purchased a half a dozen shirts in bright spring/summer colors...

...I'm organizing my things and spring cleaning... I'm trying to focus less on things and more on living a good life and helping others...

...I'm amassing crushes... a vital part of the ritual.

The problem is, my date is not one of my crushes.

Doh!

And I know that sparks don't always fly on a first date. But there has to be a little bit of something, you know? There really wasn't. My sister says it doesn't matter, my mom says it's vitally important. I'm proud of myself. In the past, I would write off the shy guys and wait to be swept off my feet. But the sweepy guys really like sweeping and don't usually want to settle down. I'm learning. So here's some of what I thought yesterday after discussing my date with my sister, my mom, Em, and Brandon, before I went to bed. I typed my jumbly thoughts out and now I'm trying to make sense of them:

I've been on enough dates to know what I need and don't need in my life by now. I hope. But maybe not, I am still single after all.

Quiet is just fine. Gentle is a necessity. So is Kindness. But not being able to share the decisions or to stand up to me is not negotiable.

I trust myself.

I have a very strong personality. But I am also balanced and know when to let someone else take the lead. I have plenty of quietness and introspection in me. I don't usually communicate my most thoughtful and introspective experiences here, but it's a big part of who I am. I seek to be fair and balanced in my relationships and not to be manipulative or dominating; but I cannot be with a man who cannot balance me out.

I respect myself.

I seek balance and equality in a relationship. Give and take. Respect. It's probably too early to tell, but this match seems lopsided. Perhaps I'm judging too quickly. But I need someone who can challenge me, match me, inspire me, respect me, love me. He seemed not only quiet, but slightly dull. I don't know if that's the right word for it... perhaps.... he lacks sophistication. That sounds shallow. I know. But that is not how I mean it. Maybe it is. But do you understand what I mean? Probably not. I think I'm being presumptuous and judgmental! Uh.... I'll get back to this after I spend more time with him. I'm truly trying to break my old dating habit of passing judgment too quickly. He asked if he could call me. I said yes. I'm willing to at least get to know him better. He is very nice after all.

I know myself.

I find that men with quiet strength suit me. Very dominant personalities, overbearing and in-your-face men with no true substance and I don't get along. Maybe as friends, but it never works romantically. Confident men who have a strong sense of self and have good character are just right. Integrity is vital. If those things are in place, it doesn't matter whether someone is quiet and shy, reserved, gregarious, or otherwise.

Heaven help me.

26 Miscellaneous Facts

1. I take good care of my hands and nails. I rarely paint my fingernails. And when I do, I start hating it immediately.
2. I don't take quite as good care of my feet, but my toenails are always painted.
3. I'm fascinated by faces, especially noses.
4. Facial plastic surgery bothers me. See above. Leave your face alone!!!
5. I LOVE my feet even though they are hard to shop for. (Small, wide, high arches, high instep.) I think they are strong and pretty. I love high heels, my feet love flip flops.
6. I dance around my house while I get dressed in the morning. I have to make sure my blinds are closed.
7. I feel sexiest when well-moisturized and freshly bathed.
8. I say I know I'm beautiful, but I am always surprised when perfect strangers do double takes - but I like it. A lot.
9. I love gardening. And cooking. And reading. And none of these things are related.
10. I sometimes worry that people think I'm shallow and it hurts my feelings when people treat me as such.
11. I realized recently that I obsess over beauty because my Grandmother put a lot of emphasis on it and subsequently my Aunts do too and they have always been my role models.
12. I believe that my family are disappointed that I'm fat because they think that beautiful is a responsibility.
13. Maybe I think this and project it onto them. Maybe not.
14. I think faux is tacky. Nails, hair, eyelashes, fur (real or fake), etc.
15. I wish I could be a true vegan, but I love cheese. And pork chops. And leather shoes. And butter on my buttermilk biscuits. I'm allergic to all of the above except the shoes and the pork chops. And I'm sitting on a leather couch typing this. But I am trying to be more socially conscious.
16. I have not colored my hair since Fall 2004, but someone asks me at least once a week whether I've just colored my hair. Maybe it changes like people's eye color? Yeah right. I always think it looks the same - because it does.
17. I never used to wear white, but now I wear it all the time, even though I don't have to anymore for school. I love crisp white trousers and breezy white skirts. I look best in off-white.
18. I have a freckle on the side of my nose. I have 3 freckles resembling Orion's Belt on my abdomen. They start just above and to the right of my navel and end on my right side just under my rib cage. I've always had them. And I love them.
19. I renovate my own clothes a lot. I removed an offending ruffle from an otherwise great pale-tangerine linen skirt but left the sweet pin-tucks, and cut a pair of boring white linen pants into charming bermudas. I'm in the process of sewing a bold ribbon along the hem of a blah skirt. Lately I find that the clothes in the stores have too many details all at once, or not any. I'm all about balance. Yes, I will tell you where I got it, if you ask me nicely.
20. I'm obsessed with the pajamas Angelina Jolie was wearing in the first Tomb Raider movie when she was flying on her bungee thing. They look soft, silky, and fluttery and I really want some. Does anyone know where I can get some?
21. I don't sleep on sheets that aren't white. This is a relatively new OCD thing - as of about a year. But I find that I'm calmer and sleep better this way. I gave all my colored sheets away.
22. I wear less make-up now than I ever have in my life. And when I do put it on, I miss my skin and want to wash it off immediately, but I tell myself that I look better with it and so I leave it on. But I really do look better without it... I'm rambling.
23. I think I'm getting better looking as I get older. Maybe I just like myself more.
24. I love checking my blog stats. I've lots of visitors from the other side of the world. I just wish they'd leave comments. Strangers are welcome here! As long as you leave nice comments!
25. I love Audrey Hepburn movies & caper movies, like To Catch a Thief and Ocean's 11 & 12.
26. I'm an avid people-watcher. And I recently joined a website that my sister told me was like an LDS Myspace, but it's really an LDS dating site! Scary! I use it to people watch and to find old friends. Online dating is a frightening prospect. I keep getting messages from weird guys and at least once a day my sister and I can be found shrieking with laughter/terror while trolling the site. It's loads of fun. It's a great way to people-watch because you won't get caught staring.

That's plenty for now. I'll leave it at 26. 26 is a good number. And I have less than 2 months of 26 left, so I better represent.