05 April 2011

Trust

I have been very restless for the past week and a half. I have so much on my mind. From the moment I lost my job, I have been sure that things are going to be okay. I was really mad for a while and sometimes I still am. That job was such a specific answer to a prayer and was a long time coming. I learned a lot in the short time I was there and truly enjoyed my work. I was good at my job. I was the primary bread winner. My husband is a full-time student and has a part-time job. I do have concerns about making ends meet, but I have never doubted that things are going to be okay. I prayed long and hard about whether to take action against my former employer. God has left it up to me. I've decided to use my precious energy only for things that will benefit me and my family. I need to let this hurt go and move on.

Having this time to really and truly rest has paid off. I have been feeling stronger each day. I still have a lot of really difficult days, but they aren't as intense. My darling husband has been encouraging me to rest and meditate. There are days when I can do nothing. Days when the dishes are piled up and the laundry needs doing and I am too weak to get to it. I am so hard on myself on these days. He works and studies so hard and then comes home to care for me. He is letting me do what I need to and in my own way. This is such a gift. I have been thinking, processing, resting, and praying. I pray for him. That God will give him everything he needs and desires. That I can bless his life as much as he blesses mine. 

Somewhere deep down, I've known all along what I'm meant to do with this time. I've been afraid of it. Afraid to ask and have it confirmed. Receiving an actual confirmation meant facing fears and having the faith to really and truly put it in God's hands. I need to feel in control; I always look before I leap and sometimes I don't leap because I've looked. Lately I've endured night after restless night of bad dreams and day after day of bad moods. Like Jonah, I had to stop ignoring the prompting to truly ask and have the courage to act. I gave in and spent a long time on my knees in conversation with God today. I knelt in a quiet place and spoke to Him out loud. It was the rare clear conversation that every prayer aspires to be. I asked, He answered. He asked, I answered. I laid out all of my fears. He reassured me. But for every promise, I expressed a new fear. But for every new fear, I received a promise. On and on we went until I agreed to trust Him completely and to do what He asks so that He can give me what I need. Once I truly put it in His hands, I received the peace and comfort that I have craved.

He is asking me to leap because He has already looked.

I trust Him and I know that everything will work out for our good.

1 comment:

Nama said...

"He is asking me to leap because He has already looked."

That is beautiful, Leah. I'll remember that for my own hard times.

Love you, girl.

Post a Comment