24 March 2005

In a reflective mood...

Why is it that years later, a song or a smell can give you that feeling in your stomach and no matter how it ended, you miss him? He was the first person that I have ever truly been in love with. We laughed and talked and sat still and understood each other. He memorized my face. He told me that. Is it still committed to his memory? When he hears that song does he have to turn it off like I do? Do smells and books and movies and people that look like me remind him? Does he feel so guilty about hurting me that he can't sleep at night? Is he even sorry? Does he think it was a waste? Does he say, like I have, that it was "a good experience," when in reality the horrible ending marred the perfect beginning? On second thought, "miss" is the wrong word to use. I don't "miss" him, something made me think of him. I remembered him. What I "miss" was being in love. He really wasn't that great to me. I couldn't see it until after. I was too nice to him. Did too much for him. Gave too much. I put more into it than he ever intended to. It wasn't necessarily "a good experience" and I wouldn't do it again, but it is my experience. I'm glad I was able to survive it and ultimately learn from it. It made me stronger and so much more honest and straightforward than I'd ever had the guts to be.

5 comments:

Jon said...

Leah, although I have no idea how that must feel/have felt, but you are one of my heroes because of it.

kat said...

every time i hear "in your eyes" i think of john cusack.
then again, i think of john cusack most of the time.

Erika said...

Unlike Jon, I know all too well what it's like. And much like Kat, I think of John Cusack most of the time.

Kirsten said...

HOw come my comment didn't show up?? now I don't remeber what I wrote :(

Tiff said...

So, if I was good I'd write you an email but I'm tired so that'll have to wait.
Know I love and miss you babe!

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