18 May 2005

Exhausted by the Exhausting Exhaustion

*WARNING: THIS IS A BAD MOOD POST. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.*

CONFESSION:
I'm so tired I've started getting the shakes again.
I basically just put my shaky hands under the desk and keep doing my job.
Luckily, I LOVE my job, or I wouldn't just push through this, I'd quit and hide under my covers.
As long as I keep everyone laughing, no one notices the hands, or the dark circles.
They really don't need to know.
Explaining my illness is getting really old and makes me feel like a freaking invalid.
I'm sick of people who aren't supportive, or sympathetic.
"You know, if you would just...." or "You know, you could, should..."
Ass holes.
I barely know what I'm capable of right now, so I know you sure as hell don't have any idea.
I want them to have to live in my skin for a week.
I've done this before.
This is BAD.

TODAY:
I went straight from work to a ward getting to know you activity so I can actually make friends, left early cuz I was afraid my speech was getting slurry with exhaustion, came home and saw Vonzell, my American Idol, get voted off, decided that I don't care about the show anymore cuz all that are left are Dirty-Creepy-Boring-Bo and Bland-Boring-No-Style-Carrie, and then my sister asked me what I want to do for my birthday tomorrow, and I told her I don't care, and I don't.
BUT I DO.
I just haven't put any thought into what I want. Let's see... A plane ticket out of the country, a cure for chronic fatigue, or just a real break from working so I can recover properly, health insurance, no more bills, a winning lotto ticket... I hate how birthdays always turn into big family ordeals lately. My brother planned a party for one of his friends here this weekend and when I reminded him that my birthday was this week and that I don't know what day is best for everyone to get together, he said his friend is really important right now. Bastard. But I don't know what day is best for everyone, because no one has mentioned my birthday until today. I feel like I'm re-living my 14th (or 15th?) birthday, the one when I ran away from home and went to stay with my best friend because everyone forgot me and then told me I was silly for making a big deal about it.
OH VILLA FRIENDS, HOW I MISS YOU TODAY!

3 comments:

Ann-Marie said...

Happy Birthdy Leah! I love you and will be thinking of you tomorrow!!

DREWSKIFER said...

...you know...you should really just...love me. that'd make everything better! Happy Birthday!!!!!

Tiff said...

I hope you have a wonderful birthday despite the many things that can and do get in the way.
Even if we're far apart I hope you know how much we love you.
You're still making a huge impact in my life.
Love you Leah babe!

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