Big Cosmic Sucker Punch

Regular blogging is forthcoming. I promise! I have so many thoughts I want to share. I'm unplugging all day tomorrow and I'm going to miss my best friend, the internet, but it should be nice. It's just going to be for one day... we'll see.

I'm right in the thick of a horrible "episode" of chronic fatigue and it's literally running my life. It took me a few hours to wash a sink full of dishes today because I needed lots of breaks. I'm just spending a lot of time resting and trying to get better. As of last week I'm unemployed so I'm taking the time to heal. We just hope we can afford for me to do so. I'm also praying about and mulling over whether or not I need to take legal action against my former employer for discrimination and unfair dismissal. I don't feel like I have the energy for it right now. But can you really fire someone with a chronic condition for missing work and then tell them that you'll hire them back when they aren't sick anymore because they do such a great job when they're at work? Hello? Chronic condition. Been diagnosed for 10 years now. It's not going away. 

Grit has been so amazing. He's so patient and gentle and gives me so much encouragement. I feel so bad when he has to do things for me because the poor guy has so much on his plate. He's a full time student, he works, and he's got a wife who is an invalid right now. I will pretty much do anything he asks me for the rest of my life because he's been so incredible through the past two months of this. 

I'm just focusing on little tasks each day and truly taking the time to rest and I've got my fingers crossed that this big cosmic sucker punch passes soon.

Here's hoping.

What's with the difficult?

Life is hard blog friends. I'm trying so hard to embrace the Christmas spirit. I have a beautiful little Christmas tree in my bedroom that needs some decorating. I've put plans in place to make the Season about family and God and not about stuff. I announced to my family that we are not giving gifts, but are making plans to be together and all are welcome to join. (Reactions are a mixed bag - some people only want loot - whaddya gonna do?) There have just been some big kinks in the master plan as of late. My new job is great. Everyone is so very nice and helpful and I'm learning a lot. The only downside is that in the 3 weeks I've been there, I've been sick the whole time. I've missed 4 days of work. I feel awful and feel even worse asking for time off since I want so badly to be there learning and getting to know everyone and everything. I'm taking antibiotics now and have developed massive hives because of it. The joy just keeps rolling in, let me tell you. On top of all this, there is an unexpected trial that recently came on the scene that is making life so very hard. I'm really trying to focus on the blessings. I'm grateful for supportive friends and family. Ritz has let me call any time day or night and always gives the best advice. My Mom made me mulled cranberry juice and chicken soup from scratch after I showed up on her doorstep unexpectedly last night and then listened to my woes for many hours. I'm grateful for a wonderful new job. I'm grateful to have a place to live and to have all of the things I need. I'm grateful for a loving God and for His church. I'm sure there are so many more things I should be grateful for, but I'm spent. I hope to be back soon with more cheer. Thanks for listening!

Obsessed

Cooking is my new thing. I'm loving it. I've always loved it, I've just never made it a true priority before. Life is just as hectic as ever, but taking the time to prepare meals seems to ground me. Thanks to Nama, I have some new favorite food blogs. I already make most of our food from scratch since I have quite a few allergies and sensitivities. Grit and I have discovered that we have a lot more energy when we avoid prepackaged and processed foods and eat whole foods. Because of my sensitivities, I've had a tendency to just make the same things over and over and now I'm using food blogs to help me branch out. I'm learning more about good substitutions for dairy and corn and wheat. If you have resources for me, I'm open to them! I want to become the Queen Mother of wheat free baking. Wish me luck!

Just a quick update!

Life is so busy! But so good.

My gallbladder came out in July. I am much happier without it and the recovery was surprisingly quick. Apparently I would have had gallstones for the rest of my life if I hadn't. It's one of those hereditary things I just couldn't escape.

I am crazy in love. I am amazed that after too many years of dating I have actually found someone who I am so compatible with it's scary. If you want to know what he's like, read all my old posts tagged "L'Amour," especially the ones where I list my wants/needs. I've been describing him for years.

For years I've had an interest/obsession with midwifery and natural childbirth. I have been toying with the idea of becoming a midwife for the last 10 years. I'm considering it very seriously now. I was determined to begin my schooling next Spring but I will be occupied with other exciting and worthwhile activities so it will get pushed back one more year. To get my feet wet and become involved in the local birth community, I am beginning training in November to become a DONA certified birth Doula. I've already ordered all of my materials and have begun reading everything I can get my hands on. One of my dear friends is having a baby next month and has asked me to be her Doula. I am honored and so excited! I was present for two of my sister's births and I have to say that it is the most amazing and fascinating thing. I'm obsessed. Truly.

I am still looking for just the right job closer to home. I am grateful that I have a job at all and that I can pay my bills. The search continues...

it's all good

I love that I can vent on my blog. Kinda like how I did in my last post. This post is NOT like that. This post is about happy things.

First:
My health has improved. Naturopathic docs are AMAZING. Instead of getting a surgical consult like I was told, I made an appointment with my sister's naturopathic physician. She put me on a special diet and gave me supplements and a special herb tincture and you know what? It's working. I haven't had any gallbladder attacks and my blood work looked better after just one week. I feel so blessed. We're still taking it a day at a time and there is still a chance that I could need surgery, but it's less and less likely every day.


Second:
I'm making ends meet and have some maybe potential job prospects. Things are okay.


Third:
So far, nobody is hurt. Everything is not completely resolved and I don't know that it ever will be, but I'm okay with it. I processed it and moved on.


And last but not least...
I'm in a relationship with an adorable man. Truly. He's great. We've been keeping it on the down-low, but I'm over all that. Aren't we cute? Even though these were taken at 2am after a really long day and we're both crazy-tired... and we couldn't get our faces in sync very often? For reals... we're so adorable sometimes I can't even stand us. Hee hee. Yeah right. I can't get enough.

sick, broke, and twisted

I have WAY too much going on in my life right now. Don't get me wrong, life is still so very good. I have a lot of really good things and people in my life right now, but I'm also feeling REALLY overwhelmed so I've got to get it all some of it out here. I know that this too shall pass, but that doesn't make the present moment suck any less.

First things first.

I've been in the ER twice, twice! in the last 5 days. My sister took me in on Friday and the PA acted like excruciating abdominal pain was normal, took some blood and urine, told me I'm not pregnant (duh) and wasted 5 hours of my day. My diagnosis according to her? Heartburn. I've never had heartburn in my life, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't feel like my upper abdomen and back are in a vice while an enormous fist is punching me in the stomach. Thanks anyway. When I told her that I have a family history of appendicitis and gallbladder problems, she told me that I was overreacting. I wanted to scream in her face but I refrained.

The second visit happened today because all of a sudden I was in so much pain at work I could barely breathe. I told one of my coworkers to call 911; it was that bad. My boss drove me the 2 blocks to the hospital. They took care of business in 3 hours (blood, urine, ultrasound) and told me I have gallstones... but they aren't positive that they're the cause of my pains. So basically, I have to go see a surgeon and get more tests done and I might be losing an organ and I don't even care as long as that EVIL pain never comes back. The staff at the second hospital was amazing, they didn't treat me like I was stupid, or get my blood all over the place while trying to draw or ignore me for 5 hours. I had someone with me the whole time. And my male nurse was adorable, which always helps. They did somehow manage to make me feel guilty for my healthier lifestyle and recent weight loss. Apparently weight loss can contribute to gallbladder problems. That's just great.

On top of this, the angry redhead is storming into town as I type, so I've got some extra crampage going on.

My second issue is money. As in, I need it. As in, my current part time job has been covering my expenses, but my boss just cut my hours back. It's stressful. I need to find a full-time job closer to my house soon. I could use some prayers.

My third issue is the one I want and need most to blog about, but I can't. Because it also involves two other people and it's not my place to share their business with the world. All I can say is that with absolutely the best intentions, I've created a tangled situation wherein someone will inevitably get hurt. It will most likely be me. If not me, it will be someone very close to me and I have to accept that I caused it. I've done what I feel is best, but even good intentions can have painful consequences.

It's hard to be a grown up sometimes.

Mulling

So.... as you can probably tell, I'm in love with all things orange right now. Living with citrus trees in the yard is bliss and quite inspiring. I've been wearing lots of orange and yellow and want to paint everything tangerine. I've been busy trying to find a job, deal with family issues, and tie up loose ends. I'd love to sit down and put up a really fabulous layout that perfectly embodies all things citrus, but I don't have the patience today.  I've been mulling over my quarterly goals and haven't set anything concrete yet... besides getting a job. I have some categories, but I still need to narrow them down to something specific. 

I can definitely say that I need more music in my life. Not music listening, music making. As in, I have a guitar, flute, piano and violin that are so ignored that their self esteem is beginning to suffer. Also, I rarely ever sing anymore unless I'm driving and that doesn't really count. Not that I'm all that great at any of them, but that's what I am trying to remedy. I was friends with a guy who told me once that he'd always really wanted to learn the guitar, but now he was too old to be any good at it so he wouldn't try. He was 19. I think you can learn anything at any age and become reasonably proficient. I'm only 28! I've got a lot of years ahead of me God willing! 

Which leads me to my next point...

I can also definitely say that I intend to take better care of my health. I'd like to live a long long time and that won't happen if I just do whatever I want to all the time. So I'll have to come up with a health goal for this quarter that I can reasonably stick to. None of this, I will never ever eat ice cream again, that's just setting myself up to fail. I'm not all about that. Deprivation never did anyone any good. I'll let you know when I decide what the goal will be for sure. Yes, I'm aware that we're halfway through January.

I also need to set a social goal. I'll admit that I've been a serious hermit for a long while now. It's not healthy for me. My nature is very open and friendly and I love people and all their quirks and LOVE meeting new people. So, meeting my social needs will happen in my near future.

I would like to set another goal around gardening. It's such a major stress reliever for me. I need to make plans around how often I will get down and dirty. Along with this, I have been trying to buy as much local produce as possible and so I think I'll set a goal around this as well. Local produce is better for the body (it isn't picked before it's ready and transported 1500 miles or more), the economy (buy local!), and the environment (not trucked via diesel 1500+ miles). How great is it that such a simple thing has so many good consequences? If you need to find your local farmer's markets, 

go to: www.localharvest.org

 

The Goal?

Don't let it go to my head. No, I'm not talking about looking in the mirror, I'm referring to my fatigue. Yes I'm tired. No I can't do anything about it that I know of, yet. But I've got a lot of stuff to do. I just keep on doing what I've been doing, get at least 8 hours of sleep at night (ha ha, I wish), and get on with my life. It certainly can take an emotional toll, but it doesn't have to. There are a lot of misconceptions about CFIDS. Let me address the ones I hear the most. First is that it's hypochondria, factitious, and/or malingering. It's not. Second, that it's depression and/or mental illness. It's not. For some people, some of these things could be interrelated. I've looked into it, believe me. I'm covering my bases. Am I looking for advice? No. Sympathy? No. I'm just chronicling my experience. Validating myself. Sharing it with you. Whining. Mostly whining.

Thanks for listening.






P.S. I still love my job. It's the greatest. And they're ridiculously supportive. And fun. Happy times.

...And I just got a fierce hankering for sushi.

The end.

The results are in...

and ...

I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFIDS).

Thanks (for nothing) Doc.

Same diagnosis that I got 6.5 years ago.

You're even less helpful than the Cleveland Clinic who told me not too party too hard and to have a nice life. (I couldn't commit to the not partying too hard but I do have a nice life, thanks.)

Same symptoms for the last 12 years.

I still don't accept it.

Where do I go from here?

I don't eat processed foods, I eat a TON of vegetation, my entire life and diet are hypoallergenic (if you haven't seen me in awhile it's probably because I'm allergic to you.), I take good supplements in "proper" amounts (hee hee, proper.), I exercise daily, I like my job, I usually like my family...

What more do you want from me?

A good music recommendation?

Check.

If you haven't met Duffy or Adele yet, you are seriously missing out. They're the sober answer to the tragedy that is Amy Winehouse. I have two Duffy ringtones.

Adele:


Duffy:



So great.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot. My new favorite song:

Estelle:

Blah.

Not this again. My fatigue problem is rearing it's ugly head. It never ceases to take me by surprise. I've been dealing with it on various levels since my teens, so it's nothing new, but when it goes away I'm really good about putting it behind me. I have at least one bad "episode" a year, usually two. I've seen different types of doctors: Allopaths, Naturopaths, and Acupuncturists. I've tried vitamins, herbs, diet, and exercise. You name it, I've probably tried it. I even went to a psychiatrist several years ago. He told me that I had the physical symptoms of depression, but not the emotional symptoms. Duh. My body systems are obviously being depressed. But why? He put me on meds, (it was worth a shot) but it made things worse. Fatigue is the bane of my existence. I had a ton of blood drawn yesterday and my "regular" doctor is testing me for a dozen different things, since I've been dealing with this for so dang long. It's been more than 10 years now. It's ridiculous. I've only been to work one day this week and have been resting and gently exercising. Luckily, my boss is really supportive. But I've got bills to pay so something's gotta give.

In other news... it's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. I love it. Sharks are my absolute biggest fear and Jaws is the scariest movie EVER. But I love them and have a crazy fascination with them. They're my real-life boogie men.

REDUCE, Reuse, Recycle

I just read an article about plastics and how they are ending up in the oceans, the food supply, and our bodies (causing cancer among other things). It's really quite an interesting read. Check it out here.

There are simple (and not so simple) things that each of us can do to conserve and protect the environment. I really have zero tolerance for apathy. You are involved in the problem whether you accept it or not. Choose to be involved in the solution.

Remember that time when I had a blog?

So... it's been a really long time. How'ya doing? Good? Glad to hear it.

Life's good, busier than ever, but quite good. I really like my new job. It's going really well. I've spent the last 6 weeks shadowing the other trainers and learning the tricks of the trade. Thursday morning was my first solo presentation in the community. I spoke to a social work class at a University. I was a little bit nervous before-hand, but not too bad. It went well and my boss gave me really good feedback. Thursday night I participated in Take Back the Night at one of the other campuses (I manned a booth). It was cool. Next week I'm doing an 8 hour training for CPS employees and then I'm participating in a community diversity fair where I'm presenting twice. One workshop on DV 101 and one on Teen Dating Violence. The keynote speaker that day is going to be Ishmael Beah, author of "A Long Way Gone, Memoirs of a Boy Soldier." I'm excited to hear his story. I really have the coolest job ever.

My foot is doing better. I'm out of the boot and driving, but my foot still hurts and my toe is still swollen and my doctor seems to think that this is somehow okay. I'm going to seek a second opinion.

This basically sums up my life. I need to take pictures of my knitting and post them here. I'll make this my next goal.

Good news for the Trainwreck

This is what I looked like when I came out of the womb... sans the glasses and mascara and eyebrows.


Thank you to all of my beautiful friends for your get well wishes and support. Ya'll are the greatest. Okay, so I'm a really bad blogger/friend and make promises and don't follow through. The suspense! Alright already, the news I've made everyone wait so very very long for is that I have a new job. Many of you are smarter than the average bear and figured it out already. I was waiting to post it here until I'd given notice at my current job because some of my co-workers know this site and I didn't need them to spill the beans. I gave notice at the shelter last week and my last day there will be February 15th. It's a happy/sad situation. I've been at the shelter for three years and it is my HOME. I love it. This new opportunity just seemed to fall in my lap back in December. It's with the Coaliton Against Domestic Violence for my state. The second week of December, I was in a week long training at the Coalition and thought it would be really cool to have a job where I could basically stand on a soap-box preaching about a cause that I'm so passionate about. The trainers seemed really especially cool and it got me thinking. The second day in training, they announced that they had a training position open and stated all the requirements. Something inside me changed and I knew I had to apply and that a new chapter in my life was unfolding. I applied on Friday morning, had my first interview Friday afternoon and I was told that they'd call me the next week if I was going to be offered a second interview. I was really confident that I would get called back and sure enough; they called me on Monday and set up a second interview for the second week in January. (They needed time with the holidays and all.) Because I'd had a month to stew in the idea and am prone to self-doubt and a touch of anxiety, by the time the interview rolled around I was really unsure whether I was right for the job or was ready to leave the shelter. I very nearly called and canceled the interview. They told me it would be a two hour process and to come prepared to give a 10-15 minute presentation on DV101. I wasn't worried about the presentation at all, I was mostly just worried that I might actually get the job and have to leave the safety of my current situation. The interview was conducted by the three trainers I'd become acquainted with in December and began with a series of questions about DV. No worries there. Then they had me present with no clock to see how well I can time myself... I warned them first... and then went over by 7 minutes. It happens. Then they threw all the crazy stuff that people bring up in trainings at me to see how I would answer. It had been an hour and they asked me if I had any questions and I thought I was in the clear. Then they had me draw a card out of a hat. The card said, "DV in the Workplace." Then they sat me at a computer for one hour and had me create an outline for a one-hour presentation on DV in the workplace. Then it was over. They told me they'd contact me sometime within the next two weeks either by phone (a yes) or by letter (a no). They called me a week later. I start on February 19th. My official title is Training Coordinator. My job will involve staying up on all of the latest research and stats about DV and facilitating trainings all over the state. I'll be traveling quite a bit and will get to interact with shelter staff, law enforcement, and those fighting to end family violence all over the state. It's truly an amazing opportunity for me and I feel really blessed that it has come my way.

In other news....

My toe isn't broken. Hooray! My foot is. Crap. Seriously. I have a non-displaced fracture in the fourth metatarsal in my right foot. The fracture is is up high in my in-step (very near the cuboid) and according to my podiatrist, the more I walk on it, the higher the likelihood of it displacing and ruining my life. The solution?

There isn't one that works with my life.

I'm not supposed to walk on it at all. The only way to do this is with crutches. The problem with this? My collarbone is still very tender and because of this, I cannot use my arms to bear my weight. The only solution is to stay in bed. With a bed-pan and a maid houseboy. Again, not a viable option. So I continue to wear my walking boot, use my crutches to keep me from putting too much weight on my foot, and go about my business. Because I can't get off my foot the way I need to, it ALWAYS hurts. ALWAYS. I tapered off the pain meds so I don't become a junkie and I'm going to have to go back on them because I can't sleep at night. It's not like I'm on narcotics or anything, I'm just not used to taking any kind of meds. I take small doses of ibuprofen only when needed. Even for my migraines. Not a fan of meds. To top it all off... I'm coming down with a cold and may or may not have a stomach bug. I've just decided that all of my bad luck is going to happen at the beginning of the year so the rest of my year can be grand.

Here's to a grand rest of the year!!

You are not going to believe what had happened to me....

If you want the good news, check my Facebook profile or call me. I probably won't post it here until Tuesday. For the bad news, see below.

WARNING WARNING GORY DETAILS WARNING WARNING
GORY DETAILS WARNING WARNING

Thursday night; the long version:

So.... about an hour after I wrote my last post, I decided to take a quick shower before going to bed. I had only been in the shower a few minutes and was shampooing my hair when I turned slightly and my bad foot gave out. I fell forward very hard and very fast. So fast in fact, that I couldn't even use my arms to stop myself and I hit my neck and collar-bone on the faucet. I could feel really sharp pains shooting through my bad foot and I very carefully righted myself using my left arm. Once I was sitting upright, I looked down and noticed that two of my toes were swelling up and one had a gash across it and was bleeding. Intense pain was radiating from my collar-bone and shooting up my neck and down my arm. It was at least a minute before I realized that I was hyper-ventilating. I had to focus on breathing slowly. I very carefully felt my collar-bone and neck and since no bones were sticking out or felt displaced, I lifted my right arm to see how it felt. It hurt, but it was movable. I carefully washed the shampoo out of my hair, washed the runny black mascara off my face, turned off the water, and slowly and carefully lifted myself up onto the side of the tub. I put my legs over the tub, slowly stood up and felt stabbing pains in my right foot. I wrapped a towel around myself, threw a towel down along the length of the bathroom for traction and gingerly limped my way to my bedroom. I sat down on my bed and just sat still for a few minutes. Then I picked up a mirror. I was surprised to find that my face was puffy from crying since I hadn't even realized that I was crying and then directed the mirror down to my collar-bone. There was a gash across my collar-bone and my neck was swelling just over my jugular vein. I carefully dressed myself and looked around for my phone. I began crying again when I realized it was in the family room. I briefly debated laying down and going to sleep but feeling uncertain about my collar-bone and my ability to move once I woke up, I grabbed one of my crutches that was conveniently next to my bed and slowly and painfully made my way to the family room. I sat on the couch and picked up my phone and then began crying in earnest. A thousand thoughts crossed my mind; why hadn't any of my housemates woken up when I fell? I really should get those traction strips for my shower. Will my work-comp cover this since it was caused by my previous injury, but happened at home? Will I ever get to drive again? I'm going to have to buy all new shoes. Can I still get an MRI in the morning? Will they do an MRI on my neck while I'm in there? Did I almost just die? What if that had been my face? What if that had been my head and I were a vegetable? Would my family go through my stuff? I'm going to have to go to the ER with wet hair and no bra. Are all my toes broken? Those collar-bone braces are ugly. Did I get all the mascara off my face? What if I can't go to work for weeks? What am I going to do about my new job? How am I going to get all the way to work everyday if I can't drive? Will my agency still pay my medical bills after I quit? Do I really need to go to the ER?

While all these thoughts were running through my head, I was crying hysterically. It took me 30-45 minutes before I felt calm enough to call my sister. As soon as she picked up the phone, I was hysterical all over again. I was finally able to choke out that I'd fallen and that I thought my collar-bone and toes may be broken. She told me to stay put and that she was on her way. After she hung up, I realized that my door was locked and my housemates were all still sleeping, so I calmed myself further and called one of my housemates and told her what just happened and she came racing from the top floor to the basement where I was camped out. She was awesome. It was really comforting just to have someone sitting next to me. My sister and brother arrived shortly after that to take me to the ER.

The ER visit deserves its own post because it's good entertainment... so I'll tell you all the details later. Just so you know, my collar-bone is NOT broken, just terribly bruised. I broke the fourth toe on my right foot, but everything else is intact. I've been camped out at my mom's all weekend and I have bruising up and down the right side of my body. I feel amazingly blessed that my injuries weren't more serious.

More to come later.

I'll be a G-I-M-P 'til I D-I-E.

I'm still gimpy. I have to get an MRI on my foot first thing in the morning. It's been 5 weeks since my injury and I still can't walk or drive and after three sessions of physical therapy, the pain intensified - in the extreme. I really really hope that it's just the moderate sprain as originally diagnosed and that it's just taking a little bit longer to heal that anticipated. So basically I'm in denial.

It happens.

In other news...

I have really good news. I'll announce it tomorrow.

Hands and Feet

I'm knitting a baby blanket... and the poor little dragon has fallen to the wayside. Literally... his little tail is poking out from under my bed. The body is done and even stuffed, he just needs his legs and wings. How sad. The blanket is halfway done though. I think that I'm probably going to knit the same way I read, several books at a time. I currently have 4 books next to my bed. Oh well. I'll finish when I finish.

I can stand on my foot... but still can't drive or wear a regular shoe. I went to the doctor yesterday and he was concerned because any pressure on the top of my foot causes really intense pain. I can stand flat footed and have regained most of my range of movement (walking is still an issue). He says that the x-ray may have missed something and that if things don't improve with physical therapy, I have to get an MRI. Great, just when I thought I was in the clear.

Other than that... I should have some new news for you after the 14th, but I won't mention anything here just yet... just know that it could be really good or kinda disappointing. Cryptic enough for you?

My Christmas Un-Miracle... Bah Humbug!

Adventures of Last Week

Sunday and Monday: Uneventful

Tuesday: I rolled my right ankle/foot while taking out the trash at work and my foot swelled up and I spent 4 hours at the hospital waiting, waiting, getting a soft cast, waiting, getting an x-ray, and waiting. I stayed at my mom's that night as I have stairs at my house and ended up sharing a bed with my mother and Boodji and Cheeks and it wasn't pleasant in the least. Truly. The boys kick and my mom snores.

Wednesday: Returned to the doctor to learn that my foot was not broken, but seriously sprained and that I could not put any weight on it and had to keep it elevated. Was told that I might get a walking boot on Friday. Got a tetanus shot since I thoroughly abraded my left knee.

Thursday: Spent the day with my foot up and having an adverse reaction to my tetanus shot. (lethargy, pain, and the injection site swelled up and got hot and hard.)

Friday: Went back to the clinic where I was seen by a third doctor (it was a new one every time and I had to re-explain everything to each one). The office is completely lacking in adequate medical supplies and they didn't have any walking boots or anything else like it. I was given a prescription for a walking boot and sent over to another facility get fitted and was given an enormous and heavy boot- although I was still instructed to stay off my foot. Oh and did I mention that my pregnant sister had to chauffeur me around with her naughty little Boodji and Cheeks in tow? Friday I made my family take me home because I was going crazy cooped up in the house with all those people.

Saturday: More of the same. Sitting around knitting and watching TV with my foot up. It's mind-numbingly boring. It took hours for me to get someone in my family to come get me so I could get groceries - but I got to drive around in one of those motorized granny-carts which was cool except that it wouldn't go in reverse.

I now have this big ol' boot that I can walk with for very short amounts of time, but it's really really ridiculously heavy and I'm still not allowed to drive. The good news is that most of the Quasimodo-esque swelling has gone down... now I just have a multi-colored rainbow foot (various shades of purple, green, and yellow) and a hard ball the size of a prize shooter at the injection site of my tetanus shot that will hopefully go away soon. Oh yeah, and some insomnia while I'm complaining.

So I'm not so much in the Christmas spirit.

Bah Humbug!

Any minute now...

...things will settle down. I'm sure of it.

I hope.

After everything that happened at work last week, I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend. No such luck. Friday "the angry redhead" came calling and left me with excruciating cramps. On top of that, Saturday morning at 3:00 am I woke up with stomach cramps and spent the next 12 hours violently ill as my body purged itself of everything I'd eaten in the last day and then some. I spent the rest of the day sleeping upright on my couch and sipping Gatorade. Today my whole body hurts from the violent illness of the day before. I've spent most of the day in bed and just ate a small bowl of brown rice to see if I can keep it down. So far, so good.

So now I'm facing the dilemma of whether or not to attend Tiffanie's viewing tomorrow evening. Her funeral is Tuesday morning and I will definitely go, but the viewing... geez I'm sick of this.

Sometimes I think I need to go to make this feel real, but then again, I don't want to see her like that. I'll worry about it tomorrow.

I'm going back to bed.

A Note of Explanation...

Lest I think me rash, I'm going to explain how I have come to the decision to withdraw from school. A co-worker and I were talking about blogs and she asked if she could read mine. I immediately told her to beware the 2006 posts because they aren't great or happy. This caused me to reflect on my posts and go back and read them. Some aren't so bad... but I could see the slow spiral into misery and bitterness that began about the time I started school. And with time, whether I fully realized it or not, my subconscious decided that the thing that was keeping me from the things that have kept me solid for so long- reading, writing, music, art, quality interaction with friends and family- was the enemy. I cannot live with daily grind. I'm not made like that. Whenever I try to live like that -get up/go to school/run home and change and eat in 15 minutes/race to work/come home/rush to make dinner, the next day's lunch, and get ready for bed/then do it all over again- I start to go under.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being busy. I thrived like never before when given a rigid schedule on my mission. But part of the reason that schedule worked was because there was renewal time built in. That's why this last endeavor failed; there was zero renewal time and no way to build it in. I need at least one morning- the whole morning, just to myself for whatever I choose. I also felt that what I was doing wasn't valid in some way. I know that I could do well in this industry, but at its heart, this industry is BAD. But we all knew that.

I sit through classes where people are so indoctrinated in the propaganda that everyone needs to change their look and that no one is beautiful as they are; that when I speak up with alternatives, I’m shot down and treated like a heretic. I get into arguments about the danger of the chemicals we are working with. My doctor sent a note to excuse me from my mandatory week sitting in the chemical storage closet (dispensary) because it's DANGEROUS and TOXIC and I am trying to keep myself healthy and the director of the school defended the chemicals. And made me feel like a crazy person. And everyone in the school treated me like I was just trying to get out of dispensary duty (washing towels, emptying trash).

I realized early this week that I shouldn't be doing this because I dread getting up and going there everyday. I sit at my station not talking to anyone, reading and studying and avoiding the mindless idiots around me and keeping myself from trying to shake sense into them. I’ve found that I am only happy when I have clients.

I love doing hair.

Truly.

And I'm good at it.

I want to learn more and become an expert haircutter. But so far there is only one salon in the country that I know of where I could work. Because I don't want to breathe fumes everyday that will lower my already low chances of having babies, and that make my bones ache and give me constant headaches. Maybe if I take a break for 6 months or so and strengthen my system I can finish somewhere else where I don't hate it quite so much.

Because as truly warped as the beauty industry is, I feel a deep obligation to other women. To help them and strengthen them and build them up. And having the proper tools to help them discover how truly beautiful they are inside and out really appeals to me.

I've considered becoming a licensed makeup artist and also a licensed phyto-therapist (herbalist) and then blending the two. I love natural makeup and would love to help women take care of their skin naturally. It's just a thought.

As far as being totally broke goes… I found out that there's a part time position open at one of the other facilities in my organization and it's really flexible. All I have to do is drive the boys from the residential facility to their various appointments (doctor, therapist, court). It's mostly mornings and it's only 20 hours a week. It will also allow me to keep my other job, and it'll open up about 4 hours in the middle of every day for me to do what I want with. It will also give me my Saturdays back. Hooray! Right now it seems like the best scenario. We'll see. If that doesn't work out, there are a few other positions at various facilities that I could jump into. I love this organization and I'm happy to give them my time. They do so much good.

This has been an extremely long explanation. But I'm satisfied for now. I'll probably have plenty more to vent tomorrow.

i'm losing it

For a minute I felt insecure because nobody reads my blog. And then I got over it. I'm going to blog anyway because it keeps me sane. So since nobody reads this, I’m going to let crazy out of the bottle. No polite posts. Just the facts. If for no other reason, to force me to be honest with myself. I think I’m quitting school. For a while anyway. Not just another leave. I need to get another job and make enough money to support myself and take some time to find out where my chi went. Because it left a while ago and it should've come back by now. The stresses of family, school and work and barely having enough money and still always feeling sick and having no social life are KILLING me. Really. I can't live like this. Even if it is only 6 more months. I will lose my mind and have to be committed. You may think I jest, but I feel like I’ve got one foot in the door of the loony bin as it is. I swear I’m starting to develop multiple disorders as a result of my environment and it doesn't help that I spend my free time at work reading the dsm-iv and diagnosing myself (read: freaking myself out). And I need to go find good lds friends and I need to go to institute and make friends in my ward and right now I don't have the energy or inclination to do any of those things. And even though I was defensive and got really really pissed off when others cried "depression" awhile back, now it seems more like a reality. It’s been coming on slowly and since I already have anxiety issues, I feel like I’m basically doomed if I don't make a serious change ASAP. So even though it was a new year's resolution of mine (like I really care about resolutions) to continue, I’m going to quit school. I’ll go back to it, because I like it, but I need to get centered first. My axis is off. And I need to recover my center of gravity before it's too late (fear of the crazy house again). And we all know that my biggest fear is losing my mind. There it is. Crazy, straight up.