19 May 2006

Happy Birthday to me.

I'm back! I finally have a working computer and an internet connection. TONS has happened, but I'm really tired, so I'm not going to go into all of the details. Just some of them. I started at the Toni and Guy Hairdressing Academy on May 10th and I LOVE it. And I'm really good at it, if I do say so myself. Life is monumentally hectic because I'm going to school full time and still working part time. So I have a few 12+ hour days in my week. But so far all is well. I turned 26 today. But I don't feel it. It hasn't even felt like a birthday. And it's a far cry from my birthday last year, which is a good thing. I was in a very self-destructive place last year and it's taken me the entire year since to get to the healthy and balanced place I feel I'm in now. A boy in my class told me he doesn't believe me that I've given up insecurity all-together and that he thinks it's a sign of my insecurity to even say so. I said some of this:
I've earned everything that I am today. And everything I am, good, bad, or otherwise, is mine. I've worked long and hard to love every inch of myself inside and out, and you get to a certain age where you realize that the insecurities that you've carried around all your life have mostly been given to you by other people, and that they're a waste of time. I'm not saying that I don't have any more insecurities, but now I stop and re-assess and remind myself that I've worked really hard to be this person, that I have nothing to fear from anyone else. I've also realized this year, how many self-destructive patterns I've had in my life. It's been a long time since I've let the things people do or say hurt me, but I'd continued to hurt myself over and over. But I've made a vow to myself. A vow of self love, self protection, and self respect. I look back on my last serious relationship, the one that prompted this blog, the break-up that will live in infamy. Most of you know the story, so I won't go there. But I looked back recently and realized that I'd given my heart to a person who didn't think I was as phenomenal as I did. I'd allowed myself to be with a person who took the talents I'd always been so proud of and made them seem trivial. He didn't like to hear me sing, he didn't like my writing, my friends, or my standards, and he thought I was just kind of pretty. But because of other insecurities in my life, I stayed with him. Told myself I was in love with him. Allowed myself to be flattered by his attention. Never again. And I've been single for 2½ years since. And I'm ok with that. I feel strong and secure and have learned so much about myself. And I love the journey.

3 comments:

Brandi Johnson said...

Knowing you during that icky time in life, I would say you have come out on top, and you are phenomenal! You are amazing!
Brandi

ann-marie said...

happy birthday to lovely leah! i miss you, but it's good to hear that you are doing well!

Beth said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you had a fabulous time.

I'm absolutely with you - I fucking love the journey. Screw the destination, thats what I say!

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