Crazytastic.

Some of you know how much I love THIS website. It's hilarious and fantastic and I've loved it for years. I love it even more now, for introducing me to the full blown crazy that is Bai Ling's blog. Sometimes billed as Ling Bai - I don't know which is correct - I only know that her specific brand of crazy is making my whole week. Seriously, her blog is just so crazytastic I can hardly contain myself. I read it out loud because it's better that way.

Awww, Em!

I was tagged by Em.

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about six quirks you have.

4. Tag six fellow bloggers to do the same.

5. Leave a comment to let them know.

Quirk #1

I am an intermittent insomniac. Sometimes I fall asleep early and sleep all night and sometimes I'm up until the sun comes up. I did not sleep last night.

Quirk #2

I secretly want to be a wedding planner... but now it's not a secret. I collect wedding magazines and have a binder with tons of ideas. I'm also kinda uptight about wedding etiquette. Call me.

Quirk #3

Sometimes when I'm sick, I put a lot more effort into the way I look. I can't stand feeling bad and looking worse. (This is also usually when I actually have the down-time to do more extensive grooming.) Sometimes employers haven't believed my claims of sickness because I showed up to work looking super hot.

Quirk #4

I love pharmacies. I can wander around in them for hours. It's weird, I know, but I really can burn a lot of time in an Eckerd or Walgreens. What? You don't read magazines all the way through before you buy them?

Quirk #5

I'm fascinated with unusual looking people and nontraditional beauty (hence my massive crush on Adrien Brody). Noses are a particular obsession of mine. I think ugly is a character trait, not a physical one.

Quirk #6
I can eat the same thing every day for months. I usually eat brown, black, or mahogany rice with a vegetable and a protein. I get on oatmeal kicks too. Chicken and rice is my comfort food. Broccoli is a miracle food! I change it up slightly, but the basics are the same. My mom thinks I'm nuts. I am, it's called OCD. Big deal!

I tag Nama, Kayla, Jon, Erika, Melissa, and Brandi... and anyone else who feels like it!

I'm smarter than an alien

I was sitting on my couch watching the Olympics and feeling like an absolute slug compared to all of these amazing athletes when I realized, I can do NY Times crosswords in less than an hour and sudoku puzzles in pen. Pen I tell you! I'm a GENIUS. Take that Alien-Wingspan Phelps.

Adventures in domestication

Last night I went to a craft store with Big Mama and we left with bags full of yarn, knitting needles, crochet hooks, and how-to books on knitting, crochet, and embroidery. This may not seem outrageous to you... but we grew up being dragged into craft stores by our mother the sewing-fiend and have both had aversions to craft stores for years. We kept teasing each other about turning into our mother and cracking up and saying things like, "Whatever, we make this cool." We're both very interested in textiles. And we're not the only ones. Meme majored in fashion design after BYU phased out the textiles department and both Mojo and Big Mama just bought sewing machines. And I know Reb has knitting needles. Whether or not she uses them is another matter. It's fascinating. And it IS cool. I learned some basic crochet several years ago but never got beyond making simple scarves. Today I knit a hat. I'm really proud of myself. I really like this stuff. We even tossed around the idea today of opening up a shop once we get good enough at it. That would be cool. I'm all for spending my whole day with a ball of yarn or a sewing machine.

I may or may not be...

Excited for the Relief Society Broadcast tonight.
Participating in multiple community events for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Wishing for a real autumn. 80 degrees doesn't cut it.
Working hard and doing well at work.
Fighting the beginnings of a cold.
Longing to travel.
Desperately wanting to start a band.
Avoiding institute a.k.a. Mormon meat markets.
Teaching Relief Society tomorrow with a sore throat and the sniffles.
Wishing I lived somewhere cold enough to wear a sweater.
Contemplating giving up on dating altogether and just adopting.
Wondering why LDS guys are so very lazy.
Baffled as to why 30 year old men still consider hanging out a viable option for a Friday night.
Wanting to throw out half my wardrobe and go on a fall spree to acquire lots of tweed, cashmere sweaters the colors of fall leaves, and riding boots.
Wasting time on impossible crushes.
Planning a fantastic Halloween party for the shelter.

Quick post...

I really miss blogging. And yes, I will post a pic sometime... but life is remarkably crazy and I don't have Internet at my new place just yet. I'm currently looking for a new job - I'll explain later - and I'm now in the RS Presidency (Counselor over Visiting Teaching and Compassionate Service) and have been as busy as a sister missionary checking up on the sisters in the ward. I like being busy, but I haven't found my rhythm just yet. I'm still adjusting to my new place + longer commute, my new calling and the decision to leave my current job even though I'm loathe to do it. Loathe may not be a strong enough word. I've cried myself to sleep twice this week because I'm so heartbroken about leaving this place and intimidated by the prospect of finding a new job that I may not love quite as much. I'll tell you the whole story when I've got a little more time. I'm getting to know more people in my ward and have a legitimate crush. I'll also update you on this when I've got more time! I hope everyone is well!

Better late than never....

Today I finally accessed an email address that I forgot the password to and have not checked in more than a year. In my Inbox were several emails from dear friends! Sorry Nama, Kat, and Em, I wasn't ignoring you! So here's the survey that they each filled out and sent to me. It's been a year or more, better late than never!


Longest Survey Ever -- this is the longest survey you'll ever fill out!
Do the world a favor: fill it out and post it for all your friends....
Do this because the person who sent it to you didn't sit here for ages for nothing.
Answer all the questions honestly, no lying to avoid stuff.

Time started? 9:00pm
Single or Taken? Single
Gender? FEMALE
Siblings? 4 sisters, 3 brothers.
Eye color? Blue-ish/gray-ish/green-ish.
Shoe size? 7 - give or take.
Height? 5'2.25"
Innie or Outie? Innie.
What are you wearing right now? Navy blue t-shirt, light blue pj pants.
Righty or lefty? Bothy, although mostly righty.
Can you make a dollar in change right now? Yes, but not for long, tomorrow's laundry day.

Relationships...

Who are your closest friends? They know who they are. I love ya'll!
Do you have a BF or GF? Nopers.
Best place to go for a date? Anywhere interesting and safe.

Favorites...

Favorite place to shop? Gap Outlet, J.Crew, anywhere I find things I like.
Favorite kind of pants? Classic wide-legged trousers, jammie pants.
Color? Blues and greens.
Numbers? 2, 12, 28.
Animal? Elephants and Giraffes.
Drink? Water.
Sport(s)? Volleyball.
Fast-Food Place? Sekai sushi, Giant Hamburgers.
Month? May, duh.
Movies? In America, Dear Frankie, Steel Magnolias, Audrey Hepburn films, Oceans 11 & 12, To Catch a Thief, and most caper films.
Juice? Cranberry Pomegranate Delight.
Finger? Pinky.
Favorite cartoon character(s)? Teen Girl Squad.

Have you ever...

Given anyone a bath? Nieces and nephews, various children I've nannied for.
Smoked? No
Bungee? Frightening.
Made yourself throw-up? Technically no.
Eaten a hot dog? Yes.
Put your tongue on a frozen pole? No
Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes.
Broken a bone? No. I'm more prone to dislocation.
Played truth or dare? Yes. I choose dare.
Been in a police car? No.
Been on a plane? Plenty.
Been in a sauna? Love them.
Been in a hot tub? Yes. But I won't get in a public hot tub, they're disgusting.
Swam in the ocean? My favorite.
Fallen asleep in school? Yes... and at work and at church.
Broken some one's heart? Unfortunately yes.
Cried when someone died? Yes.
Cried in school? Not in front of anyone.
Fallen off your chair? Maybe.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Not all night.
Saved e-mails? Of course.
Made out with JUST a friend? What do you take me for?
Used someone? No... maybe. Not that I can think of.
Been cheated on? Yes.

What is...

Your good luck charm? My smile and my eyelashes.
Best song you ever heard? Hard to say.
Stupidest thing you have ever done? Too many to mention.
What's your room like? A bed, a night-stand, two bookshelves with lots of books, and a walk-in closet full of clothes.
Last thing you said? "...where's the...what in the...?"
What is beside you? My sister.
Last thing you ate? Strawberry So Delicious. Mmmm...
What kind of shampoo do you use? Aveda, Dr. Hauschka, Pureology.
Best thing that has happened to you this year? Nothing so far, but I plan to meet my husband...
Worst thing that has happened to you this year? Nothing so far and I intend to keep it that way.

Have you had..

Chicken pox? Yes.
Sore Throat? It's been a long while.
Stitches? In my chin when I was 7, and surgery when I was 18.

Do You...

Believe in love at first sight? I believe in instant attraction, but love takes time.
Like picnics? Absolutely.
Like school? Depends on the subject.

Would you/what is...

Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000 dollars? NEVER.
If you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with you? My family.
Who was the last person that called you? The bank.
What makes you laugh the most? A million different things.
What makes you smile? A million more different things.
Who is the last person you yelled at? The television, bad drivers.
Who broke your heart? Who didn't?
Who told you they loved you? Boodji.
Who is your loudest friend? They're mostly all loud.

Do you/Are You:

Do you like filling these out? well...
Do you wear glasses or contacts? Both.
Do you like yourself? Mostly.
Do you get along with your family? Mostly.
Stolen anything over $50? No.
Obsessive? Sometimes.
Compulsive? It happens.
Anorexic? In recovery.
Suicidal? No.

Love Life...

Do you have a crush? 5 or 6.
If so, do they know? Possibly, but I hope I'm not that obvious.
Have you truly told them how you feel, face to face? No. Crushes aren't full-blown love interests, there's nothing to tell yet.
How did they respond? You're an addict for dramatics.
Are you in love? No.

Randomness...

Coffee or tea? Herbal tea.
Phone or in person? Depends on the situation.
Are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child? 6th out of 8.
Indoor or outdoor? Outdoor.

Final questions...

How many people are you sending this to? The entire world wide web.
What are you listening to right now? The TV and the sound of my own typing.
What did you do yesterday? Worked most of the day, went to my sister Marjorie's birthday party.
Where do you want to get married? In an LDS temple.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I would be more ambitious and driven.
Are you a good driver? And careful.
Are you a good Singer? I'm middling, but not great.

Reasons Why Not

OK, in my efforts to keep an open mind, I have been denying my natural and perfectly normal responses to my date. But I'm a girl. I want to psycho-analyze it and tell you all the reasons why not. I'm definitely an over-analyzer and could go on for weeks about this, but I'll leave it here. No need to smear all my neuroses and his all over this page. If you want to know more (trust me, there's a lot), feel free to call me or email me. I love date-dissection.

And if you, my date, are somehow reading this, great. You're a nice guy, but you aren't the guy for me. I'll never say any of this to your face, I'll just tell you it isn't going to work out, so if you are reading, get some insight and then leave me some comments about your perceptions of me. I can take it.

Here are a few of my many gripes:

I let my sister convince me to keep my views/important facts about me (like being allergic to the world) in a bottle. It's my fault for listening to her. I know that there is a time and a place, but to keep the things I feel very strongly about under wraps to catch a man is warped. That may be her game, but it is surely not mine. I am a passionate and outspoken person and I am proud of this dammit! I am loyal to my causes and to my varied beliefs. I don't believe that it is necessary or polite to stuff your opinions down the throat of a stranger, but when you've just met someone and you are spending time together to get to know each other and your date is painfully long, it's perfectly OK to let some of this stuff out of the bag. That's why you're on the date; to share info, ideas, and opinions and make a judgment. Sheesh. I did manage to let a big cat out of the bag. As we were driving along I saw a new pointless high-rise being built dangerously close to tribal land and said in a very exasperated tone, "Geez, What now?" He asked what I was talking about and I told him how much I hate developers who just keep adding to the sprawl. I told him that it was the raging environmentalist in me. He said, "Just so long as you aren't like an Al Gore environmentalist." Excuse me? I politely said that I most definitely was. And that if I had the ways and the means, I would be out doing exactly what Al Gore is. He was quiet for awhile after that.

Gripe # 1. Doesn't respect environmentalists. Global warming is not a myth people!

Another thing, we were at a salsa tasting festival. I love heat. I like good flavored salsa with just the right amount of heat. I can take A LOT of heat. But I am allergic to corn (read: corn chips everywhere) and bell peppers. Heh heh, yeah. I also left this in the bag and was willing to incur a potential migraine to get to know this guy. That’s big of me if I do say so myself. As is to be expected, I hate having allergic reactions. I took some allergy medicine before I left the house and was well stocked with provisions in my purse. I know the drill. After a lot of asking/tasting around, we finally found the hottest salsa at the festival and as the heat kicked in for my date, he said he needed to find water. I told him to eat a handful of chips plain and that it would help it subside. (It really wasn't all that hot, but the guy who made it was.) My date completely DISREGARDED my advice and set off to find COLD water. Then he stood in a long line for several minutes although I told him they weren't serving water, only tequila, again disregarding my advice, only to discover for himself that I was right. By that time the heat had worn off. Why the stubborn disregard of my wisdom in these matters? I know how to deal with a burning mouth. Believe me. My second to last comp in the mission was a gorgeous Mexicana who got me acclimated to salsa that locals couldn't handle. Heat and I are friends. At least he bought me a snow cone.

Gripe # 2. Doesn't take me at my word.

Then we were talking about jobs and somehow my old job in Provo came up. He asked why I didn't like it and I told him that they refused to promote me even though I was better qualified than others around me; that I’d realized that no females were promoted beyond a certain point and that the company was sexist. He scoffed at this and then asked me how well they paid and where were they located since he is moving to Provo this summer. Hello? I didn't tell him, I changed the subject. And another thing, he asked me how much money I make now! Again I changed the subject; I was actually quite taken aback by this tactless question. He brought it up again a little later and I said in just such a way that he would know that I found the question impertinent, "How much I personally make? Or how much people in my field make in general?" He stuttered for a moment and asked in general. I answered that it depends on their experience. He left it alone after that.

Gripe # 3. Might be a sexist. He obviously thought the discrimination that I went through was all in my head. Lacks tact. (OK, so this is two gripes, maybe even three.)

Oh and here is probably my biggest gripe by far: He was so into the salsa that I could've walked away (or run away with someone else) and he would not have noticed (at least for a while). I am a charming and beautiful girl if I do say so myself. And because I was on a date, I was on my best, most charming, and affable behavior. Not to mention the fact that I looked like a goddess with flowing curls, kissable cheeks, and sparkling eyes (no need to mention my glorious lips, they speak for themselves. Ha ha, get it?). It seemed like everyone at the festival was responding to my charm except my date. There was even a girl so enamored of me that she gave me a necklace. Two separate gentlemen stopped me in my tracks to talk to me even though my date was right next to me; because unfortunately he was invisible and forgettable. One interested stranger was so interesting and charming (the maker of the hottest salsa) that I nearly considered finding a way to slip him my number. He was so intent on talking to me that it became a little bit awkward and although I tried to involve my date in the conversation (he just stood there with a blank look on his face, while he shoveled more salsa); I had to graciously extract myself from the situation. I shouldn't have had to do that; my date should have involved himself in a conversation with me. I, at least, was trying.

Gripe # 4. The salsa and I were too hot for him.

OK, on to the next gripe, and I've blogged about this before. He was NOT a safe driver. Maybe he really was distracted by the hotness that is me, maybe he was daydreaming about wizards/salsa/snow cones and gumdrops, and maybe he was asleep.
HE RAN A RED LIGHT!!!
It wasn't a little bit red. It had been red for awhile before we got to it. He didn't pause or hesitate. Nothing. He didn't even see it. It's not like we were deep in conversation either. It was during one of the 500,000 silent spells we had when I needed a break from holding up both sides of the conversation. And that's not all folks, he is a drifter. He was drifting in and out of lanes that didn't belong to him like a drunken Granny. I was white knuckling the handle above my door. He didn't seem to notice.

Gripe # 5. I COULD HAVE DIED.

And last, but most definitely not least; I will leave this one with no explanation as it speaks for itself:

Gripe # 6. He called his "Maw-maw" THREE TIMES while on our date.

Truly.

The End.

26 Miscellaneous Facts

1. I take good care of my hands and nails. I rarely paint my fingernails. And when I do, I start hating it immediately.
2. I don't take quite as good care of my feet, but my toenails are always painted.
3. I'm fascinated by faces, especially noses.
4. Facial plastic surgery bothers me. See above. Leave your face alone!!!
5. I LOVE my feet even though they are hard to shop for. (Small, wide, high arches, high instep.) I think they are strong and pretty. I love high heels, my feet love flip flops.
6. I dance around my house while I get dressed in the morning. I have to make sure my blinds are closed.
7. I feel sexiest when well-moisturized and freshly bathed.
8. I say I know I'm beautiful, but I am always surprised when perfect strangers do double takes - but I like it. A lot.
9. I love gardening. And cooking. And reading. And none of these things are related.
10. I sometimes worry that people think I'm shallow and it hurts my feelings when people treat me as such.
11. I realized recently that I obsess over beauty because my Grandmother put a lot of emphasis on it and subsequently my Aunts do too and they have always been my role models.
12. I believe that my family are disappointed that I'm fat because they think that beautiful is a responsibility.
13. Maybe I think this and project it onto them. Maybe not.
14. I think faux is tacky. Nails, hair, eyelashes, fur (real or fake), etc.
15. I wish I could be a true vegan, but I love cheese. And pork chops. And leather shoes. And butter on my buttermilk biscuits. I'm allergic to all of the above except the shoes and the pork chops. And I'm sitting on a leather couch typing this. But I am trying to be more socially conscious.
16. I have not colored my hair since Fall 2004, but someone asks me at least once a week whether I've just colored my hair. Maybe it changes like people's eye color? Yeah right. I always think it looks the same - because it does.
17. I never used to wear white, but now I wear it all the time, even though I don't have to anymore for school. I love crisp white trousers and breezy white skirts. I look best in off-white.
18. I have a freckle on the side of my nose. I have 3 freckles resembling Orion's Belt on my abdomen. They start just above and to the right of my navel and end on my right side just under my rib cage. I've always had them. And I love them.
19. I renovate my own clothes a lot. I removed an offending ruffle from an otherwise great pale-tangerine linen skirt but left the sweet pin-tucks, and cut a pair of boring white linen pants into charming bermudas. I'm in the process of sewing a bold ribbon along the hem of a blah skirt. Lately I find that the clothes in the stores have too many details all at once, or not any. I'm all about balance. Yes, I will tell you where I got it, if you ask me nicely.
20. I'm obsessed with the pajamas Angelina Jolie was wearing in the first Tomb Raider movie when she was flying on her bungee thing. They look soft, silky, and fluttery and I really want some. Does anyone know where I can get some?
21. I don't sleep on sheets that aren't white. This is a relatively new OCD thing - as of about a year. But I find that I'm calmer and sleep better this way. I gave all my colored sheets away.
22. I wear less make-up now than I ever have in my life. And when I do put it on, I miss my skin and want to wash it off immediately, but I tell myself that I look better with it and so I leave it on. But I really do look better without it... I'm rambling.
23. I think I'm getting better looking as I get older. Maybe I just like myself more.
24. I love checking my blog stats. I've lots of visitors from the other side of the world. I just wish they'd leave comments. Strangers are welcome here! As long as you leave nice comments!
25. I love Audrey Hepburn movies & caper movies, like To Catch a Thief and Ocean's 11 & 12.
26. I'm an avid people-watcher. And I recently joined a website that my sister told me was like an LDS Myspace, but it's really an LDS dating site! Scary! I use it to people watch and to find old friends. Online dating is a frightening prospect. I keep getting messages from weird guys and at least once a day my sister and I can be found shrieking with laughter/terror while trolling the site. It's loads of fun. It's a great way to people-watch because you won't get caught staring.

That's plenty for now. I'll leave it at 26. 26 is a good number. And I have less than 2 months of 26 left, so I better represent.

I am not conflicted, I am well rounded.

Ha ha! It's true.


And in other news, I have MONUMENTAL crush on a guy in my ward. I've had this crush for a long-ish while now and when it comes to this guy, that one shy bone in my body seems to dominate the others and I am not quite myself. I'm trying to talk myself into asking him out or something, but I'm telling ya'll, I am nearly tongue tied around him. And ya'll know about me and making the first move and if not, just know that at my core I'm a traditional southern belle who does not ask men out. This shy thing is a pretty new phenomenon. I've been making excuses and calling it mysteriousness. But I don't know if it's good or not. He might run away once order is restored and that shy bone goes back to being the runt of the litter.

A Note of Explanation...

Lest I think me rash, I'm going to explain how I have come to the decision to withdraw from school. A co-worker and I were talking about blogs and she asked if she could read mine. I immediately told her to beware the 2006 posts because they aren't great or happy. This caused me to reflect on my posts and go back and read them. Some aren't so bad... but I could see the slow spiral into misery and bitterness that began about the time I started school. And with time, whether I fully realized it or not, my subconscious decided that the thing that was keeping me from the things that have kept me solid for so long- reading, writing, music, art, quality interaction with friends and family- was the enemy. I cannot live with daily grind. I'm not made like that. Whenever I try to live like that -get up/go to school/run home and change and eat in 15 minutes/race to work/come home/rush to make dinner, the next day's lunch, and get ready for bed/then do it all over again- I start to go under.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being busy. I thrived like never before when given a rigid schedule on my mission. But part of the reason that schedule worked was because there was renewal time built in. That's why this last endeavor failed; there was zero renewal time and no way to build it in. I need at least one morning- the whole morning, just to myself for whatever I choose. I also felt that what I was doing wasn't valid in some way. I know that I could do well in this industry, but at its heart, this industry is BAD. But we all knew that.

I sit through classes where people are so indoctrinated in the propaganda that everyone needs to change their look and that no one is beautiful as they are; that when I speak up with alternatives, I’m shot down and treated like a heretic. I get into arguments about the danger of the chemicals we are working with. My doctor sent a note to excuse me from my mandatory week sitting in the chemical storage closet (dispensary) because it's DANGEROUS and TOXIC and I am trying to keep myself healthy and the director of the school defended the chemicals. And made me feel like a crazy person. And everyone in the school treated me like I was just trying to get out of dispensary duty (washing towels, emptying trash).

I realized early this week that I shouldn't be doing this because I dread getting up and going there everyday. I sit at my station not talking to anyone, reading and studying and avoiding the mindless idiots around me and keeping myself from trying to shake sense into them. I’ve found that I am only happy when I have clients.

I love doing hair.

Truly.

And I'm good at it.

I want to learn more and become an expert haircutter. But so far there is only one salon in the country that I know of where I could work. Because I don't want to breathe fumes everyday that will lower my already low chances of having babies, and that make my bones ache and give me constant headaches. Maybe if I take a break for 6 months or so and strengthen my system I can finish somewhere else where I don't hate it quite so much.

Because as truly warped as the beauty industry is, I feel a deep obligation to other women. To help them and strengthen them and build them up. And having the proper tools to help them discover how truly beautiful they are inside and out really appeals to me.

I've considered becoming a licensed makeup artist and also a licensed phyto-therapist (herbalist) and then blending the two. I love natural makeup and would love to help women take care of their skin naturally. It's just a thought.

As far as being totally broke goes… I found out that there's a part time position open at one of the other facilities in my organization and it's really flexible. All I have to do is drive the boys from the residential facility to their various appointments (doctor, therapist, court). It's mostly mornings and it's only 20 hours a week. It will also allow me to keep my other job, and it'll open up about 4 hours in the middle of every day for me to do what I want with. It will also give me my Saturdays back. Hooray! Right now it seems like the best scenario. We'll see. If that doesn't work out, there are a few other positions at various facilities that I could jump into. I love this organization and I'm happy to give them my time. They do so much good.

This has been an extremely long explanation. But I'm satisfied for now. I'll probably have plenty more to vent tomorrow.

i'm losing it

For a minute I felt insecure because nobody reads my blog. And then I got over it. I'm going to blog anyway because it keeps me sane. So since nobody reads this, I’m going to let crazy out of the bottle. No polite posts. Just the facts. If for no other reason, to force me to be honest with myself. I think I’m quitting school. For a while anyway. Not just another leave. I need to get another job and make enough money to support myself and take some time to find out where my chi went. Because it left a while ago and it should've come back by now. The stresses of family, school and work and barely having enough money and still always feeling sick and having no social life are KILLING me. Really. I can't live like this. Even if it is only 6 more months. I will lose my mind and have to be committed. You may think I jest, but I feel like I’ve got one foot in the door of the loony bin as it is. I swear I’m starting to develop multiple disorders as a result of my environment and it doesn't help that I spend my free time at work reading the dsm-iv and diagnosing myself (read: freaking myself out). And I need to go find good lds friends and I need to go to institute and make friends in my ward and right now I don't have the energy or inclination to do any of those things. And even though I was defensive and got really really pissed off when others cried "depression" awhile back, now it seems more like a reality. It’s been coming on slowly and since I already have anxiety issues, I feel like I’m basically doomed if I don't make a serious change ASAP. So even though it was a new year's resolution of mine (like I really care about resolutions) to continue, I’m going to quit school. I’ll go back to it, because I like it, but I need to get centered first. My axis is off. And I need to recover my center of gravity before it's too late (fear of the crazy house again). And we all know that my biggest fear is losing my mind. There it is. Crazy, straight up.

A little bit of History

Ok, don't get offended by what I have to say right now.
I'm not trying to take this out on or disrespect anyone, I'm trying to explain. Thank you all for your concern, from the bottom of my heart, but I must say:

For the ten thousandth time, I AM NOT DEPRESSED.

Several people in the last two weeks have offered suggestions to help me with my depression. I don’t suffer from depression. Now you might be saying to yourself, "that's what depressed people say." You might think I'm in denial. But let me just say that just because you don't have my condition, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. So really, don't be mad. I'm not. Now I’m going to tell you a story.

Once upon a time in 2002, a young girl was serving as a missionary for her church in Cleveland, Ohio. She loved it. When she’d been there 7½ months, she was assigned to train a new missionary and was having a difficult time. Her trainee was difficult, the congregation was not supportive, and to top it all off, she started getting really tired and didn't want to get out of bed. She was having chronic migraines and was emotional. So she called her mission president and told him she thought she was suffering from depression. A few weeks later, he sent her to a church counselor. The church counselor was a fantastic person. He listened to her concerns, asked her questions, gave her advice, and then told her that he honestly did not think that she was suffering from depression. It was a normal stress response. He said that in the LDS community, it was common for people to think that if they were having a bad day, week, month, that there was something wrong. Because if they weren't happy 100% of the time, they must not be praying hard enough or they must be depressed. (Sometimes people are depressed and they need help and I’m all for that. If that is indeed the problem. Which it oftentimes is.) He said that she was stressed out, but since she had the physical symptoms of depression, he would refer her to a psychiatrist. Because she asked him to. The psychiatrist asked her questions, looked at her like a bug, thought she was strange for coming in because he didn't think she was depressed, and prescribed her Zoloft because that's his job and because she insisted that she had depression. He said the meds would help with the physical symptoms. Well, that depends on your definition of "help." She was given a sample pack which would get the meds into her system over the course of 3 weeks. By this time, she was feeling better emotionally because of a change of scenery and companionship. She started the meds, but was becoming more and more tired. To the point that she really could not get out of bed. She thought she just needed time for the meds to kick in. But the meds were making the problem worse. Her mission president and his wife saw her at a meeting. They called her that night and told her that they loved her and that they really and truly didn’t believe she was depressed. They said that she just looked really tired. She told them she felt really tired. They asked if she’d ever heard of the Epstein Barr Virus. She had. Her father and some of his siblings had struggled with chronic fatigue believed to be caused by this virus. They sent her to the Cleveland Clinic to get tested. The results were positive. They also told her she'd very recently had mono. The doctors told her that there was no cure. That she would be tired off and on for the rest of her life, not to party too hard, and to have a nice life. She was upset. She went to the library and read some information on the condition. She found studies linking this virus to the type of cancer that killed her father. She drew some conclusions. She cried and was stressed out. She told her mission president she wanted to go home. He said he’d call her in the morning with her departure information. He called her the next morning and said that she needed to stay. He had her mother call her and reassure her. She stuck it out. It was difficult, but it was worth it.

When she came home, most people acted like she was a lazy hypochondriac whenever she mentioned her condition. She went to a doctor two years later who had a theory. He thought her fatigue was caused by constant allergic reactions that were depressing her adrenal function. (There’s your depression in case you were looking for it.) He wanted her to start a hypoallergenic diet. He didn’t really tell her how but at least he believed her. She still felt overwhelmed and alone. She felt good about what he’d told her, but still struggled with fatigue. She started eating more sugar (the chocolate box) for energy, but that made things worse. She tried to push through it. It got worse. She had to leave her friends in Provo and move to where her family was so they could help her. It was hard. She still misses her friends. She tried to eat really healthy and get lots of sleep and only worked part time. It worked for a while. She still felt tired and sick a lot, but it wasn’t as bad because she didn’t have much she had to do everyday. Then she decided to go to school. She was confident that she was healthy enough to handle 12-14 hour days. She started school. She was mostly ok for the first 6 weeks. Then she started getting stomach bugs, colds, random headaches, and then, debilitating fatigue. Everything she ate made her sick. Her poop was Crazy. Her food allergies started getting worse. Her body was reacting to everything. Last week, her mother was out of town and she was alone at her house and she was very tired and very afraid and started having some panic attacks and realized she has some anxiety issues. But these were her first real panic attacks in her life. And it was because she could not control her body and she felt alone and unsupported. But she feels that way even with her mother around. She didn’t go to school for a straight week and left a message for the school director telling her that she needed to talk about her condition. She called her sister and told her how she felt. Her sister listened, believed her, reassured her, and made an appointment for her to see a naturopathic doctor who practices traditional Chinese medicine. He reassured her, believed her, asked her about her medical history, told her that the theory of the second doctor was best, expounded on that theory, made sense, and stuck needles in her body that helped stimulate her natural energy, calm her fears and alleviate her anxiety. She finally felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel. He told her that this is what is going on in her body. I know it sounds really weird. This site explains it too. He told her to go on a hypoallergenic diet. He told her exactly how and gave her his email and phone number in case she had questions. He said that he would do whatever it takes to help her feel better.

And so that’s my story, that’s where I am, and even though this is still vague and pretty obnoxious, it gets the point across. And I don't hate you if you think I'm depressed. In case you’re wondering what happened to the Zoloft, after my body got hooked on it, my insurance fought me about paying for it. I didn’t have any for a week and started going through withdrawals. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. They approved my meds after I called them 10,000 times during my withdrawals and I stayed on it until my fatigue diagnosis. Then I slowly weaned myself off and felt like I was coming back to life.

I’m not against taking medication if you need it. If you have depression, I hope you find the help you need. If you have that help, I’m happy for you. If your body is haywire, I suggest naturopathy. Traditional western medicine has become all about masking symptoms instead of making the body whole. No one should have to live with chronic illness or pain.

The End.

Oh Baby!

I should have been asleep hours ago, but I've been blogging instead. I have lots of posts that I've written because they needed writing, but will never see the light of day. I wrote two of those today. They're my eternal drafts.

Yesterday I stayed home from school for some much needed r&r and because my body went on strike after I ate fast food on Monday. It's been a while since I've eaten anything like that and I felt like I'd had a stroke. Tuesday, my body got even. I couldn't leave the house. My mom was babysitting my nephew, Cheeks, and since he's practically my baby, I hung out with him all day. He's such a little angel. It made me so baby hungry. I could barely put him down. He sat in my lap while I IM'd a friend and fell asleep on my shoulder. As I told my friend, I'm torn between the desire to be a wildly successful, jet-setting career woman and just wanting to settle down and be a mama. He pointed out that I'm capable of both; but I know that if I were to reach the level I want to in my industry, my family would suffer. I've worked with children for way too long to want to do anything but raise my babies myself. I'm going to focus on my career right now since I don't have a family and children yet, and take it a day at a time when it does come.

Happy Birthday to me.

I'm back! I finally have a working computer and an internet connection. TONS has happened, but I'm really tired, so I'm not going to go into all of the details. Just some of them. I started at the Toni and Guy Hairdressing Academy on May 10th and I LOVE it. And I'm really good at it, if I do say so myself. Life is monumentally hectic because I'm going to school full time and still working part time. So I have a few 12+ hour days in my week. But so far all is well. I turned 26 today. But I don't feel it. It hasn't even felt like a birthday. And it's a far cry from my birthday last year, which is a good thing. I was in a very self-destructive place last year and it's taken me the entire year since to get to the healthy and balanced place I feel I'm in now. A boy in my class told me he doesn't believe me that I've given up insecurity all-together and that he thinks it's a sign of my insecurity to even say so. I said some of this:
I've earned everything that I am today. And everything I am, good, bad, or otherwise, is mine. I've worked long and hard to love every inch of myself inside and out, and you get to a certain age where you realize that the insecurities that you've carried around all your life have mostly been given to you by other people, and that they're a waste of time. I'm not saying that I don't have any more insecurities, but now I stop and re-assess and remind myself that I've worked really hard to be this person, that I have nothing to fear from anyone else. I've also realized this year, how many self-destructive patterns I've had in my life. It's been a long time since I've let the things people do or say hurt me, but I'd continued to hurt myself over and over. But I've made a vow to myself. A vow of self love, self protection, and self respect. I look back on my last serious relationship, the one that prompted this blog, the break-up that will live in infamy. Most of you know the story, so I won't go there. But I looked back recently and realized that I'd given my heart to a person who didn't think I was as phenomenal as I did. I'd allowed myself to be with a person who took the talents I'd always been so proud of and made them seem trivial. He didn't like to hear me sing, he didn't like my writing, my friends, or my standards, and he thought I was just kind of pretty. But because of other insecurities in my life, I stayed with him. Told myself I was in love with him. Allowed myself to be flattered by his attention. Never again. And I've been single for 2½ years since. And I'm ok with that. I feel strong and secure and have learned so much about myself. And I love the journey.

Confession #5 ?

Kinda like Mambo #5 but not really.

Any-who, my confession is this:

I don't know how to wear brown.

I recently bought brown pants and a brown skirt, but I'm taking them back because I have no idea what to do with them. I tried them on with every single shirt that I own, but nothing seems to work. Especially since I'm really into green right now, but brown + green = shrubbery. And don't even get me started on the shoe issue. I do have 2 pairs of brown shoes and some brown flip flops, but they don't get much use. I bought the shoes to go with brown pants I bought last fall, but I had to get rid of the beautiful royal blue shirt I wore them with because it faded after a few washes and now my choices seem so limited.

It's really weird.

I can pull off black or grey or yellow or fuschia-everyday with or without tangerine or lime green stilettos with a turquoise sweater or greens or purples or even royal blue (and sometimes all-together), but brown is like trying to learn a language that I've never heard anyone speak. At least now I know I won't dye my hair brown.

I give up.

At least I saved my receipt.

Asinine

Yet another Confession:

I immediately dislike people who use the word asinine as part of their lexicon.

I think it started with a girl in high school who was a terribly unsuccessful social climber. She mistakenly thought I was popular and after developing a "best friend-ship" with me, sadly realized that I didn't give a hot-stink for popularity. Or school for that matter. And she claimed I stole her man. whatever. She stalked him, I charmed him. I think his name was Mark. She thought that word made her sound smart. Dork.

Then there was the ex-boyfriend who whipped it out when I refused to spend my Sunday evening shopping with him in the hole also known as Wal-Mart. He was actually referencing my desire to observe the Sabbath! Trust me, there are 10 ga-zillion things I'd rather do with my time. And much holier things to do on a Sunday night. And much nicer men to date. Jerk.

So there you have it.

It's kinda like Ritz and the name Tabitha. There's no rhyme or reason, it just makes me irritable.

Hide your Horoscope!

I have a confession to make.
I read my horoscope every day.
Actually, I read all 12 horoscopes and then I pick the one I like the best.
Usually my thoughts go something like this:
"What? I'm going to have a one star day? Not lucky in love today? Yeah right. Lets take a look at Pisces today... oh that sucks. Virgo?"
I honestly don't take stock in horoscopes (as you can probably tell), but sometimes reading a good horoscope, even if it's someone else's, can inspire me to have a good day.
So I'm a horoscope thief.
I'm sure there's a better name for it, but I can't think of one right now.
Anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
Whew.

confessions...

Have you ever had someone in your life who you were inexplicably drawn to? Someone who, no matter where they were in the room, you instinctively knew where they were? Someone who's voice made you turn? Every time? Someone you knew without even knowing? There is a boy who I had this effect on. He would never admit it. He's probably reading this right now. (I just wanted to let you know that I know.)

Monday

I won an X-Box at work.
I found out my older sister is pregnant again.
I made a mistake.
I bought a foxy red shirt.
I watched a dumb movie.
I made another mistake.
I didn't dream.