21 February 2007

i'm losing it

For a minute I felt insecure because nobody reads my blog. And then I got over it. I'm going to blog anyway because it keeps me sane. So since nobody reads this, I’m going to let crazy out of the bottle. No polite posts. Just the facts. If for no other reason, to force me to be honest with myself. I think I’m quitting school. For a while anyway. Not just another leave. I need to get another job and make enough money to support myself and take some time to find out where my chi went. Because it left a while ago and it should've come back by now. The stresses of family, school and work and barely having enough money and still always feeling sick and having no social life are KILLING me. Really. I can't live like this. Even if it is only 6 more months. I will lose my mind and have to be committed. You may think I jest, but I feel like I’ve got one foot in the door of the loony bin as it is. I swear I’m starting to develop multiple disorders as a result of my environment and it doesn't help that I spend my free time at work reading the dsm-iv and diagnosing myself (read: freaking myself out). And I need to go find good lds friends and I need to go to institute and make friends in my ward and right now I don't have the energy or inclination to do any of those things. And even though I was defensive and got really really pissed off when others cried "depression" awhile back, now it seems more like a reality. It’s been coming on slowly and since I already have anxiety issues, I feel like I’m basically doomed if I don't make a serious change ASAP. So even though it was a new year's resolution of mine (like I really care about resolutions) to continue, I’m going to quit school. I’ll go back to it, because I like it, but I need to get centered first. My axis is off. And I need to recover my center of gravity before it's too late (fear of the crazy house again). And we all know that my biggest fear is losing my mind. There it is. Crazy, straight up.

1 comment:

Jon said...

I read. I just didn't for a while, because I forgot to add your RSS feed to my reader.

But I'll read from now on!

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