22 February 2007

A Note of Explanation...

Lest I think me rash, I'm going to explain how I have come to the decision to withdraw from school. A co-worker and I were talking about blogs and she asked if she could read mine. I immediately told her to beware the 2006 posts because they aren't great or happy. This caused me to reflect on my posts and go back and read them. Some aren't so bad... but I could see the slow spiral into misery and bitterness that began about the time I started school. And with time, whether I fully realized it or not, my subconscious decided that the thing that was keeping me from the things that have kept me solid for so long- reading, writing, music, art, quality interaction with friends and family- was the enemy. I cannot live with daily grind. I'm not made like that. Whenever I try to live like that -get up/go to school/run home and change and eat in 15 minutes/race to work/come home/rush to make dinner, the next day's lunch, and get ready for bed/then do it all over again- I start to go under.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being busy. I thrived like never before when given a rigid schedule on my mission. But part of the reason that schedule worked was because there was renewal time built in. That's why this last endeavor failed; there was zero renewal time and no way to build it in. I need at least one morning- the whole morning, just to myself for whatever I choose. I also felt that what I was doing wasn't valid in some way. I know that I could do well in this industry, but at its heart, this industry is BAD. But we all knew that.

I sit through classes where people are so indoctrinated in the propaganda that everyone needs to change their look and that no one is beautiful as they are; that when I speak up with alternatives, I’m shot down and treated like a heretic. I get into arguments about the danger of the chemicals we are working with. My doctor sent a note to excuse me from my mandatory week sitting in the chemical storage closet (dispensary) because it's DANGEROUS and TOXIC and I am trying to keep myself healthy and the director of the school defended the chemicals. And made me feel like a crazy person. And everyone in the school treated me like I was just trying to get out of dispensary duty (washing towels, emptying trash).

I realized early this week that I shouldn't be doing this because I dread getting up and going there everyday. I sit at my station not talking to anyone, reading and studying and avoiding the mindless idiots around me and keeping myself from trying to shake sense into them. I’ve found that I am only happy when I have clients.

I love doing hair.


And I'm good at it.

I want to learn more and become an expert haircutter. But so far there is only one salon in the country that I know of where I could work. Because I don't want to breathe fumes everyday that will lower my already low chances of having babies, and that make my bones ache and give me constant headaches. Maybe if I take a break for 6 months or so and strengthen my system I can finish somewhere else where I don't hate it quite so much.

Because as truly warped as the beauty industry is, I feel a deep obligation to other women. To help them and strengthen them and build them up. And having the proper tools to help them discover how truly beautiful they are inside and out really appeals to me.

I've considered becoming a licensed makeup artist and also a licensed phyto-therapist (herbalist) and then blending the two. I love natural makeup and would love to help women take care of their skin naturally. It's just a thought.

As far as being totally broke goes… I found out that there's a part time position open at one of the other facilities in my organization and it's really flexible. All I have to do is drive the boys from the residential facility to their various appointments (doctor, therapist, court). It's mostly mornings and it's only 20 hours a week. It will also allow me to keep my other job, and it'll open up about 4 hours in the middle of every day for me to do what I want with. It will also give me my Saturdays back. Hooray! Right now it seems like the best scenario. We'll see. If that doesn't work out, there are a few other positions at various facilities that I could jump into. I love this organization and I'm happy to give them my time. They do so much good.

This has been an extremely long explanation. But I'm satisfied for now. I'll probably have plenty more to vent tomorrow.


Nama said...

oh, nessa. i love you like crazy, and i'm glad you're making this decision for yourself. if continuing school, etc will make you unhappy, unfulfilled, and unsane, then you should do what is best for you, and you seem to have that figured out now.

you know, despite being driven to the brink of your sanity, you still seem to have a good head on your shoulders. i'm proud.

Anonymous said...

Nessa, when you smile, I smile. And I know when you smile. So do things that make you smile.

Em said...

You have to do what's best for you. Do what makes you happy because that makes me happy too! :)

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