In a reflective mood...

Why is it that years later, a song or a smell can give you that feeling in your stomach and no matter how it ended, you miss him? He was the first person that I have ever truly been in love with. We laughed and talked and sat still and understood each other. He memorized my face. He told me that. Is it still committed to his memory? When he hears that song does he have to turn it off like I do? Do smells and books and movies and people that look like me remind him? Does he feel so guilty about hurting me that he can't sleep at night? Is he even sorry? Does he think it was a waste? Does he say, like I have, that it was "a good experience," when in reality the horrible ending marred the perfect beginning? On second thought, "miss" is the wrong word to use. I don't "miss" him, something made me think of him. I remembered him. What I "miss" was being in love. He really wasn't that great to me. I couldn't see it until after. I was too nice to him. Did too much for him. Gave too much. I put more into it than he ever intended to. It wasn't necessarily "a good experience" and I wouldn't do it again, but it is my experience. I'm glad I was able to survive it and ultimately learn from it. It made me stronger and so much more honest and straightforward than I'd ever had the guts to be.

Morning Delights

Today is my day off. Wait, so are Saturday and Sunday! That can't be right, but it is. Hee hee. My life rocks. This morning my sister Big Mama and I went to the local farmers market early. We got there right as the farmers did, so we sat in my car and laughed about our little brother's love life and just chilled. It was cool to walk around all the different tables and see what everybody had to offer. Every kind of vegetable, lots of herbs, baked goods, and even baby goats. We bought tons of fresh veggies. It was such a beautiful morning! The air was really cool and it was slightly overcast so the morning seemed to last forever. After we got our veggies, we went over to a local cafe and ate croissants and chatted. Seriously, it was a perfect morning. I love my sister so much and I'm so glad we have a standing Friday morning breakfast date. It reminded me of when I came home from my mission and she had her first baby. I watched him a few mornings a week so she could work and when she came home, we'd go to this great little place and have brunch together. I've missed her. I've missed the early mornings! Things seem almost idyllic.

Susan Tedeschi!!

Ok ya'll, good news. Susan Tedeschi is playing at a music festival here on April 29th. If you don't know who she is, you gotta find out and you HAVE to hear this woman sing. I'm DEFINITELY going and since school will be out, I'm extending an open invite for any and all of my friends who want to take a road trip down here to see me to come with me. It's an all day thing. 2 days actually, but I'm probably just going to the first day (Friday). I'm really excited about it. Come on ya'll, it's a 9 hour drive (9.5 or 10 if you're law abiding) and if enough of you come, the time will pass quickly and then we can hang out and hear TEDESCHI! Then we can go do whatever you want all weekend (like get tan, it's really warm). You can even stay longer if you want. I was just so excited I had to let you all know and invite you. Ok, I'm gonna go now. I'm so antsy about this... Yay!

p.s. You can download 3 of her songs free from amazon.com. 2 are my very favorite: "just won't burn" and "it hurts so bad."

The Barefoot Contessa (or maybe ConNessa?)

Now, ya'll know how much I love shoes. Everyone has commented on my reasonably large collection of shoes at one time or another. Believe it or not, I love being barefoot even more. Nothing feels better than cool grass between your toes or thick black mud for that matter. If I didn't have to wear shoes ever again, I would only put on my sexy stilettos for dates or when I feel like it and would spend the rest of my life completely barefoot. Arizona's good like that. At least until it gets so hot I could get 3rd degree burns from the sand...

Ewwww...

So, very early this afternoon I was sitting in my backyard reading a Dr. Phil book and minding my own business... ok, I was in my swimsuit with tanning oil on, but I was reading a Dr. Phil book.... well, I'd been out there for about 25 minutes when I heard someone cough. Odd. I looked around and noticed that there was a construction worker sitting on the roof next door and he had a perfect view of my sun-bathing spot. Ewww. Just you tell me what's more violating than that. I decided to ignore him and stayed out there for another 10 minutes until the sound of him (or someone else) climbing up and down his ladder made me suspicious that he wasn't the only one. I cut my sun time short and went inside. Yuck.

sun worship

Is it bad that my biggest goal for the summer is to get really tan? Why am I asking? I know it's bad for me, but I can't help it. I don't know why I bother asking because no one can dissuade me from my goal. My pregnant sister is already a lot tanner than I am and I'm determined to make her look pasty in comparison to me by the end of this. Besides, she has to give birth in August and I'll still be laying out. She and I had a plan to lay in the sun all morning today, but it didn't work out. But tomorrow, I'm spending all my time before work laying out at the YMCA pool. So what if I'm gonna be as wrinkled as your mom's fat rolls by the time I'm 40? I'm gonna be tan this summer!

Breathing Easy

I am so happy. Can I just tell you that? By saying this, please don't assume that everything is perfect here. Even though I love them, being with my family has opened up like 50 cans of worms and some of them are smelly. But I am so happy. Like Erica, my Chi is centered. I'm still adjusting and I'm going through serious and sometimes scary training for my job that I have to drive an hour to get to every day and I haven't unpacked all the way and I'm menstrual and sick (sorry guys), and my Grandmama who I love more than anyone just went into the hospital, but everything is good and right and ok. I'm taking the time to look inward. It's hard some days and I don't always like what I see, but I'm so motivated to be my best me. Today at my job training I learned non-violent physical restraints in case I am attacked, yesterday I learned how to file incident reports so I don't get sued for something I didn't do, and Tuesday I learned all about taking precautions so I won't get AIDS or Hepatitis from any of my clients. For those of you that don't know, I'm working for a domestic violence shelter. The organization I work for is so wonderful. They do so much good. They have several DV shelters, homeless shelters, boys homes, etc. I was hired 4 days after I got here and the shelter is only 3 blocks away from my house. I'm excited to begin my work next week. My Father in Heaven never ceases to amaze me. I feel so blessed. My health is already better than it was and things are so very right. I just wanted to tell you all that. I'm happy and I love you guys.

Nothing, AZ

I'm sitting in an actual house, a house people! Not a dirty apartment with nasty carpet that I can't touch! I'm sitting in my bright and happy house with my nephew running around singing "ee-i-ee-i-o!" listening to Gwen Stefani sing "Rock Steady" and reading my friends' blogs and I miss you all so much it hurts. I absolutely know that I'm supposed to be here. I love when life just feels right. I'm starting an amazing job on Monday and my family couldn't be any radder. I still miss you all. Very much. So, about my trip down here... the first day I drove quickly and without incident. I set my cruise control at 90 mph and with the mix CD provided by Kat as company, it was smooth sailing to Las Vegas. I stayed with my dear friend Katie in Vegas and she took me to see the strip. The next day, after getting stuck in horrible traffic and missing my on-ramp, I made it out of Vegas after an hour. It took another hour to cross the Hoover Dam and then I was in the clear. I sped along happy as a clam making excellent time until I hit a very long and gradual hill in the middle of nowhere. My car wouldn't accelerate anymore and everytime I tried to accelerate, it would decelerate. Very angry and worried and using a few choice words. I pulled over and put my hazards on and walked around and lifted the hood. I stood on the side of the road looking under the hood not having any clue what I was looking at and cussing like a sailor. I tried to wave down some of the passing motorists, but there wasn't a good samaritan among them. I tried to call my sister-the mechanic, but I was nowhere and didn't have phone service. I decided I had to have a miracle and that it was time to cash in. I was like, "Ok, I know I've just used every expletive I could think of and that I've been angry and irrational, but I really need some help." I laughed at myself, I promise. It was funny. Cussing and praying all within a 20 minute time span. I got back in my car and started it up and put my hazards on and drove very slowly towards the top of the hill. I saw a sign for an emergency phone that was only 1/4 of a mile up the hill. I took a deep breath and focused on getting to that phone. Believe it or not, at the top of that hill there was an emergency phone, attached to a small general store with a huge sign that said "Welcome to Nothing, Arizona." And attached to the general store was a garage. A garage! I almost cried. Ok, I did cry. I walked into the store and asked a very old man for help. This man was as old as a tree. I'm not kidding. He was adorable and very wrinkled. He asked me what the trouble was and had me open the hood. He poked around and then said he'd be right back with someone who could help. He walked towards the garage and then past it into a field where he let out a sound that was a cross between an indian war whoop and a pig call. A man appeared out of the field. This man was as skinny as a pole with a beard that went down to his waist. They poked around under my hood, alleviated my fears that I had busted my car, and assured me that it was nothing serious and that I could drive the last 2 hours of my trip, slowly, but safely. It took 3 hours, but I made it home. God bless Nothing, AZ and it's very unique residents.