Beginning and Ending

Thank you to all of my supportive friends!! I love you all so very much. Thank you.

It's official. I'm no longer a student at the Toni and Guy Hairdressing Academy. When I went in today, I only felt sad that I wasn't walking out of there with all 1600 hours completed. I said goodbye to the nice instructors and felt the falseness oozing out of some of the others as they said goodbye. There are a few people who it was sad to say goodbye to, but we're friends outside of school anyway. I will not miss that place. But I will miss doing hair for awhile. I felt a huge sense of relief when I made the decision to leave school and was surprised at the sense of calm and release that came as soon as I'd put my things in my car. I didn't want to linger. If I go back to hair school, it will not be to that particular school.

After that, I went with my sister, Reb, and my brother, Dewey, to the local animal control shelter to look for the family cat. She's been missing for 2 weeks. Sadly, we didn't find her. That place broke my heart. I was amazed at how many pit bulls and how many puppies there were. One kennel had 12 or so little puppies that looked like they all came from the same litter. I wanted to take them all home! My sister fell in love with two little puppies as we were leaving. One was all white, the other all black. If our apartment allowed pets, I have no doubt we would've taken them home. What was really scary was that there were more than a dozen kennels under rabies quarantine. Eeek!

From there we went to the 43rd Annual Scottish Gathering and Highland Games. My siblings and I have been really interested in our heritage lately and this is just another branch we're trying to become familiar with. It was cool. I'm crazy in love with bagpipes right now. We stood and watched some pipers for awhile and I was standing so close that I could feel the sound resonating through my body. I loved it. It was a beautiful day - perfect for walking around and looking at people in their wacky medieval get-ups and their super cool kilts.

I honestly feel like a different person now that I've left that school. I'm enrolling in a few summer classes at the community college next week and exploring my options. I'll keep you posted.

Victory

I know A Woman.

A Woman endured abuse from the time she was small.
(When all you know is abuse, it is only natural to marry an abuser.)

A Woman sought shelter with her child.

A Woman was a quiet shadow - a church mouse.

A Woman was full of apologies.

A Woman’s eyes were filled with pain.

A Woman’s body was tense with self protection.

A Woman was unsure.

A Woman was afraid.

A Woman was apologetic. I'm so sorry, so very sorry.

A Woman had done nothing wrong.

Months passed.

A Woman kept her head and eyes down.

A Woman shed painful tears.

A Woman felt fear as tangible as her bruises.

A Woman received encouragement.

A Woman’s self doubt was suffocating.

A Woman allowed others to plant seeds for her and trusted they would grow.

A Woman steadily, steadily grew.

A Woman slowly lifted her head, but not her eyes.

A Woman accepted praise, (but only a little).

A Woman trusted the safety and intention of her environment.

A Woman breathed deeply.

A Woman accomplished her goals.

A Woman lifted her eyes.

Glory!

A Woman met my gaze, (and my heart nearly burst with pride).

A Woman has slowly come back to herself, (and maybe found herself for the first time).

A Woman’s eyes no longer search the faces around her anticipating cruelty.

A Woman no longer speaks of the man she feared in whispers.

A Woman faces a custody battle.

A Woman fights a war for the child she loves and the Woman she has become.

A Woman returned from a preliminary hearing. “He did a character assassination.”

I anticipated a look of fear and ready tears.

A Woman met my eye and smiled. “I don’t think the judge likes him very much.”

A Woman pointed out the flaws and weaknesses in him that she had been blind to before.

A Woman Laughed at his ridiculousness.

A Woman Laughed I tell you!

Heaven be Praised!

I laughed with her.

My soul sang a hearty Hallelujah.

The verdict is not in.

But A Woman has won.

She has won.

I weep happy tears.

These victories are hard earned and too few.

A Woman will never return.

And that is A Woman’s greatest Victory.

A Note of Explanation...

Lest I think me rash, I'm going to explain how I have come to the decision to withdraw from school. A co-worker and I were talking about blogs and she asked if she could read mine. I immediately told her to beware the 2006 posts because they aren't great or happy. This caused me to reflect on my posts and go back and read them. Some aren't so bad... but I could see the slow spiral into misery and bitterness that began about the time I started school. And with time, whether I fully realized it or not, my subconscious decided that the thing that was keeping me from the things that have kept me solid for so long- reading, writing, music, art, quality interaction with friends and family- was the enemy. I cannot live with daily grind. I'm not made like that. Whenever I try to live like that -get up/go to school/run home and change and eat in 15 minutes/race to work/come home/rush to make dinner, the next day's lunch, and get ready for bed/then do it all over again- I start to go under.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being busy. I thrived like never before when given a rigid schedule on my mission. But part of the reason that schedule worked was because there was renewal time built in. That's why this last endeavor failed; there was zero renewal time and no way to build it in. I need at least one morning- the whole morning, just to myself for whatever I choose. I also felt that what I was doing wasn't valid in some way. I know that I could do well in this industry, but at its heart, this industry is BAD. But we all knew that.

I sit through classes where people are so indoctrinated in the propaganda that everyone needs to change their look and that no one is beautiful as they are; that when I speak up with alternatives, I’m shot down and treated like a heretic. I get into arguments about the danger of the chemicals we are working with. My doctor sent a note to excuse me from my mandatory week sitting in the chemical storage closet (dispensary) because it's DANGEROUS and TOXIC and I am trying to keep myself healthy and the director of the school defended the chemicals. And made me feel like a crazy person. And everyone in the school treated me like I was just trying to get out of dispensary duty (washing towels, emptying trash).

I realized early this week that I shouldn't be doing this because I dread getting up and going there everyday. I sit at my station not talking to anyone, reading and studying and avoiding the mindless idiots around me and keeping myself from trying to shake sense into them. I’ve found that I am only happy when I have clients.

I love doing hair.

Truly.

And I'm good at it.

I want to learn more and become an expert haircutter. But so far there is only one salon in the country that I know of where I could work. Because I don't want to breathe fumes everyday that will lower my already low chances of having babies, and that make my bones ache and give me constant headaches. Maybe if I take a break for 6 months or so and strengthen my system I can finish somewhere else where I don't hate it quite so much.

Because as truly warped as the beauty industry is, I feel a deep obligation to other women. To help them and strengthen them and build them up. And having the proper tools to help them discover how truly beautiful they are inside and out really appeals to me.

I've considered becoming a licensed makeup artist and also a licensed phyto-therapist (herbalist) and then blending the two. I love natural makeup and would love to help women take care of their skin naturally. It's just a thought.

As far as being totally broke goes… I found out that there's a part time position open at one of the other facilities in my organization and it's really flexible. All I have to do is drive the boys from the residential facility to their various appointments (doctor, therapist, court). It's mostly mornings and it's only 20 hours a week. It will also allow me to keep my other job, and it'll open up about 4 hours in the middle of every day for me to do what I want with. It will also give me my Saturdays back. Hooray! Right now it seems like the best scenario. We'll see. If that doesn't work out, there are a few other positions at various facilities that I could jump into. I love this organization and I'm happy to give them my time. They do so much good.

This has been an extremely long explanation. But I'm satisfied for now. I'll probably have plenty more to vent tomorrow.

i'm losing it

For a minute I felt insecure because nobody reads my blog. And then I got over it. I'm going to blog anyway because it keeps me sane. So since nobody reads this, I’m going to let crazy out of the bottle. No polite posts. Just the facts. If for no other reason, to force me to be honest with myself. I think I’m quitting school. For a while anyway. Not just another leave. I need to get another job and make enough money to support myself and take some time to find out where my chi went. Because it left a while ago and it should've come back by now. The stresses of family, school and work and barely having enough money and still always feeling sick and having no social life are KILLING me. Really. I can't live like this. Even if it is only 6 more months. I will lose my mind and have to be committed. You may think I jest, but I feel like I’ve got one foot in the door of the loony bin as it is. I swear I’m starting to develop multiple disorders as a result of my environment and it doesn't help that I spend my free time at work reading the dsm-iv and diagnosing myself (read: freaking myself out). And I need to go find good lds friends and I need to go to institute and make friends in my ward and right now I don't have the energy or inclination to do any of those things. And even though I was defensive and got really really pissed off when others cried "depression" awhile back, now it seems more like a reality. It’s been coming on slowly and since I already have anxiety issues, I feel like I’m basically doomed if I don't make a serious change ASAP. So even though it was a new year's resolution of mine (like I really care about resolutions) to continue, I’m going to quit school. I’ll go back to it, because I like it, but I need to get centered first. My axis is off. And I need to recover my center of gravity before it's too late (fear of the crazy house again). And we all know that my biggest fear is losing my mind. There it is. Crazy, straight up.

Secrets

As ya'll well know, I LOVE makeup. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Recently, I've been exploring more natural forms of makeup and have had some great results. So as promised, here's my review so far...

First things first, I will not use products from companies who test on animals. For more info on who does and doesn't test check out: http://www.caringconsumer.com/

Face care: Basically ANYTHING by Dr. Hauschka is phenomenal. It's pricey, but well worth it. My skin has never been so happy. Even so, I want to try out products by Primavera, Jurlique, Weleda, and John Masters. I've been using Dr. Hauschka's Cleansing Milk, Facial Toner, and Quince Day Cream. I'm in love. (I used to use Burt's Bees products, but I find them to be too harsh for me.)

Face Makeup: So, it turns out that the most popular mineral makeups (Bare Minerals, Colorescience) are not quite as "natural" as they claim. Some use parabens as preservatives and contain bismuth oxychloride and talc. (In a nutshell, parabens are being studied to see how they may contribute to breast cancer since they alter your hormones and are endocrine disruptors and have been found in their whole state in breast tumors; bismuth oxychloride causes skin irritation, clogged and big greasy pores and is related to arsenic; and talc stretches the pore walls. Any info beyond this, you need to research for yourself because I could go on for days.)

I've had success using Larenim mineral makeup. My skin likes it and I always get compliments when I wear it. If you hate mineral makeup, you're on your own. I haven't found a liquid that I like in the "natural" category. In the "regular" category I really love Clinique's Almost Makeup. I've been a fan for years. I do mix my regular and natural cosmetics. For example, sometimes I'll use a makeup primer from Smashbox before I put on my mineral makeup. It gives my skin the most incredible finish ever.

Ya'll know that I'm a blush junkie. I always wear blush. I haven't gone natural in the blush department yet because I'm afraid of disappointment. I'm still a big fan of Clinique blushes. Iced Lotus is my favorite color. I'm sure they're full of parabens and other evils. I'm going to try Larenim's blushes next - hopefully they can come through for me. I've tested the Dr. Hauschka blushes on my hand and they are ridiculously silky, but a little too pricey for me right now- and the color selection is pretty limited- they only have 3 colors.

Eyes: I also haven't tried any of the natural eyeshadows. So far, M.A.C. Cosmetics wins the prize for making the absolute best eyeshadow in the greatest colors. Again, probably toxin laden. Larenim eyeshadows are next. Then Dr. Hauschka.

Mascara: I am madly in love with Ecco Bella FlowerColor Cosmetics Mascara. I have it in brown. I'm on my way to get it in black too. I've been using it for 3 months and couldn't be happier. I have really sensitive eyes and I haven't had irritation, clumps, or flakes. I've heard Dr. Hauschka mascara praised as the greatest product ever made, but I never believe claims like that, I'll believe it when I try it. But I'm not about to shell out $24 for mascara right now. $24 will get me two tubes of Ecco Bella.

Lips: Confession: I haven't been wearing lipgloss or lipstick for a good while now. I think the lip-gods have been smiling on me because my lips have just looked great with a little of my favorite lip balm: Avalon Organics Vitamin C Lip balm. It's great stuff, I keep it with me all the time. I might be a little obsessed. Ok, I lied (not about being obsessed, that is all too true)... Sometimes I use Alba Botanica TerraGloss in Bloom or Garnet and Philosophy's the Supernatural Lip and Cheek tint, but they've discontinued it. Jerks. Wearing the tint with Garnet over the top is the perfect everyday red for me. But I don't wear it everyday 'cuz that would mean I would have to end my love affair/addiction with the above mentioned lip balm. It's a problem.

On to my desecrated locks. Yeah, they're still choppy. Yes, I have my hair in a bun at this very moment. If my haircut wasn't so ugly, the whole world would be swooning over the remarkable shine and bounce and curl that is a result of using.... you guessed it! Dr. Hauschka. I've been using the Shampoo with Apricot and Sea Buckthorn for dry hair and the Conditioner with Jojoba and Marshmallow. It's miraculous. My curls have been pathetic and non-existent owing to the ridiculously dry climate. As soon as I had washed the shampoo out the first time, ringlets started forming before my eyes. I kid you not. The stuff is like crack. I can't stop using it. I want to wash my hair everyday. I just stare at all the other shampoo in my shower (Aveda, Pureology) and whisper curses at it for not being as truly miraculous as my new love. I do still use my Pureology RealCurl Define Creme. And I like Aveda's Be Curly Curl Enhancer. And Bumble and Bumble Curl Conscious for fine to medium hair. John Masters is next on my list. Because he does the kind of hair I want to do. And has the only "clean air" salon in NYC. No chemicals. No fumes. I might just have to relocate and go work for him. I'm gonna test his products first though. 'Cuz they just might suck. I'll let you know.

That's all for now. Feel free to share any insight you have about products you've tried.


P. to the S.

When I get my hair fixed, I'm thinking about taking this picture with me. I love the hair, hate the spider mascara.



Or this one:

Doorkeepers

Today during an art therapy session with the kids at work, we began talking about our names and what they mean. I looked up the meaning of each child’s first and last name. It was interesting to find that they all had powerful names. They loved and were empowered by this activity. When I told them that my last name meant “doorkeeper,” they wanted to know why people had certain last names. So I explained about how what your ancestors did, who their parents were, or where they were born usually determined their last name. I explained that I’d been told when I was young that my ancestors were the keepers of the gate or drawbridge. That it was their responsibility to make sure enemies did not enter the town or castle, depending on where they lived and that this was a very important job. The kids thought it was cool and we talked about the cool things their ancestors probably did based on their names. The volunteer who does the art therapy (an absolutely phenomenal lady) said she found the meaning of my name ironic considering the type of work I do and the level of my commitment to protect battered women. This never occurred to me and I love the parallel. As I was getting ready to leave today, I helped another staff check the premises and to make sure a particular batterer that has been hanging around of late (he’s obviously unaware that his wife is long gone) was nowhere to be seen. I stood in the front of the building with my head high and my body language strong and surveyed the street and the parking lot across the street. I also checked the rearview mirror of my car as I drove home to check for followers. Three days ago I did this fearfully; today I did this as a precaution, but confidently and without fear. I will not be victimized by someone else’s perpetrator. I’ve made a commitment that I will never betray these women, even with a gun to my head. This is what I have to say to that man and others like him.

Dear Coward,

I am writing to tell you that we are not afraid. You see finding her as a victory. We see it as a confirmation of your lack of control. While you fester in your car across the street, we are not intimidated. Unawares, you have given your power away. We know what you look like, the make and model of your car, your license plate number. So do the local police. You never should have exposed yourself to us. We do not fear you. You think your presence so close is formidable and frightening. We are laughing at you. Because you see, she is gone; removed while you lay in bed dreaming dark and dangerous thoughts. By the time you had taken up your wicked vigil, she was beyond your grasp. We will always be one step ahead of you. Our advantage is that we understand the nature of the demon that grips your heart and soul. While you are consumed and blinded, we see it clearly. We study it, shame it; throw light in its eyes. We take women from its grasp and expose it in all its ugliness until it loses its grip; becomes benign and ridiculous. We in turn teach your children to recognize it, understand it and take its power away. While it eats you alive, they are moving forward, finding light and joy and POWER; the thing you crave. We are not afraid of your cowardice. It is our light and joy and goodness that empower us to approach you, heads held high, gaze steady to ask you what the hell business you have here. A simple question. Why do you speed away? We will never fear you; even when you threaten murder. We will never fear you, whether you sit yards away or miles away; stewing in your evil and casting wicked glances our way. We keep this gate and no one enters without our permission.

Grouchy

So...
I'm pretty mad that upgrading to the new blogger basically jacked my old template. Because I loved it. But I couldn't even read my blog from my computer and while it still looked ok from some computers, some people couldn't even see it. So I went to one of their crappy default templates until I have time to sit down and look at the code and fix my old template and force blogger to recognize it, which will probably be never because I've barely got time for basic hygiene right now. And I can't seem to find any way to contact blogger with questions and concerns. And it might just be hormones but I'm pretty peeved about all the ways I've been forced into change lately.

Like how I was desperate to get my hair trimmed, so I entrusted my luscious locks to someone I don't know very well... and it ended very badly. Even though I've been debating whether to really cut my hair for some time now, I only asked for a one inch trim and some simple layers. I was going to cut it in stages. After traumatically losing 4-ish, maybe more like 5 inches from my hair and crying all the way home from school and nearly calling in to work because I felt like I'd been in a car accident, I realize that I really didn't want to cut my hair or do anything drastic. But now it's too late. Now I really keep my hair in a bun all the time. I don't wear it down because if I catch a glimpse in the mirror, I get really really pissed off. Because not only did I lose too much hair, I got a BAD haircut. And it just reiterates my belief that no one should ever get their hair cut in this state because I've only had bad experiences. So I'm basically effed since I want to get it fixed and fixing it will mean cutting a lot more off. So I'm probably going to have to bite the bullet and cut it above my shoulders if I want it to look halfway decent. Dammit!!!! I wasn't ready for this! So as soon as I graduate, I'm going to have to move somewhere else if I want to do good hair.

Ok, enough with the venting. Just don't ask me to make any more changes.

love

Happy Valentine's Day my Dearies!

I hope you’ve all had a beautiful day. And please remember, if you don’t have a “valentine,” take the time to honor and love yourself. You deserve it.

Much love,

Nessa