Unnatural Attraction

Old men hit on me.
FREQUENTLY.
This isn't news.
It started, frighteningly enough, when I was 14. I have had 11 years of being hit on by old men.
CREEPY!
On an airplane when I was 21, a 50-something old man proposed marriage to me. He meant it. He wanted me to move to Belize with him. He wanted to travel the world with me. Because I was friendly and fascinated by his world travels. He was a retired merchant marine. And he thought I was "lively." He was offended when I wouldn't give him my number. And told me he'd take care of me for the rest of his life. His life ya'll. Old Dude was more than twice my age.
On the same flight, a 40-something offered a different kind of "proposal." I just blinked at him in shock, since this proposition showed up 3 minutes after we talked about the church and I told him I was awaiting a mission call.
O.D.B!
And then, on Wednesday, I was waiting in the lobby of my Doctor's office and man with grey hair came in with a cane. He wedged himself in between me and the man to my right, even though there was no one to my left. Then he turned and smiled at me. I was shocked. Because I found him extremely attractive. His hair was completely grey, but his face didn't look older than 35. And his smile was so nice and his teeth were very white and his eyes were really really blue. And in true Provo style, I even scanned his hand for a ring and found none. I smiled back and asked him about his bum-leg. He told me about a freak accident with a wave runner and the screws and bolts in his hip. I told him my not-very-exciting story about my incident with a wave runner last summer and we laughed and commiserated together. Then he opened his mouth to say something and I watched him stop himself from asking this female stranger about the nature of her visit to the doctor. Well done my friend, well done. I guess some men do learn tact eventually. I was just getting over my shock of being so attracted to an obviously older man and had just gotten into my groove (ya'll know what groove I'm talking about), when the nurse called my name. I got up and hobbled over to the door (I've damaged my foot somehow and my doctor is incompetent so I still don't know what's wrong.). I turned back and smiled at him and he winked at me and that was it. And it wasn't like a grandpa/uncle wink either. He was gone when I came back out.
I still can't get over the fact that I was so attracted to a grey-haired man.
Weird.

S-J-O the Po-ta-to...

My nephew, S, who is 5 years old, is coming from Texas tomorrow to stay with me until mid-September. His mama has thyroid cancer and starts radiation treatment next week. My brother is taking 4 of his other 6 kids to stay with his in-laws in Kentucky and his oldest, P, to stay with an uncle in Washington. My sister-in-law has 5 weeks of treatment ahead of her. I wish they'd send us more of their kids, but they're determined to do it this way. There's a very slight chance that they'll send A, who's 3, to us as well. We'll know tonight. S is going to stay at my house and I'll take care of him in the mornings, my mom will keep him in the afternoons-evenings, and Big Mama will help in-between. It's gonna be interesting, with Big Mama threatening to go into labor at any moment, Boodji running around butt-naked, and a shy, highly allergic 5 year old showing up on our doorstep with a breathing machine sometime tomorrow. I haven't seen S in a year and a half. I hope he likes me.

Toxic combo

Insomnia and Chronic Fatigue don't mix.

And you can only play with Photo Shop for so long in the middle of the night...

And there's nothing to watch at 3:00am when you don't have cable...

And you can only watch Tomb Raider so many times in a month...

And it gets hard to read when you're tired, even if you can't sleep...

And you can only post so many blogs in a night before your friends believe that you've really lost it and plan an intervention.

That is all.

I can't help it ya'll, they're just so funny...

My Aliases

Your movie star name: Cheese Dwain

Your fashion designer name is Leah Belize

Your socialite name is La La Banana New York

Your fly girl / guy name is L Por

Your detective name is Dog West Orange

Your barfly name is Ice Cream 0

Your soap opera name is Vanessa Kurume Court

Your rock star name is Chocolate Snake

Your star wars name is Leatop Porgre

Your punk rock band name is The Love Calculator

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Progenitors

My pretty parents on their Wedding Day.

Anniversary

My Daddy passed away 13 years ago today. I've decided to celebrate his life today. Here are some pictures of him.




This picture was a Saturday afternoon and he'd been doing yardwork for hours and smelled like a lawnmower. It's funny that Mojo and I are in it together because we hated each other as kids.

The checkers picture is a favorite because it has all 5 girls in it. Big Mama, Mojo, Meme, Reb, and little Me.

The one with him and the mustache is from the Magnum P.I. years. He was actually planning to join the FBI. Good times.
Big Mama, M, J, and Me.

And I love pictures of my Daddy when he was young. He was adorable. This is him in his early 20's.

Because I said I would...

Kat has one. And because Kat is my idol, I want one too. You know, a "back-up." I'll be 32 in seven years. I would like to be married by then. But just in case...
I am reasonably easy to get along with. I talk in my sleep and steal the covers, and I swear when I stub my toes, but I can cook. And I think I'm funny. And I smell good 94% of the time. And I'm a freakin' bombshell.
Applicants:
Must be male.
And straight.
And not newly-straight.
Or only sometimes straight.
I'm talking straight-up straight. (More on this later.)
Must be taller than 5'5".
Broad shoulders and nice arms preferable. (Nice = good at cuddling.)
LDS a must.
Must be able to read and write.
English speaking is negotiable.
Domestic skills a must. (Cuz I won't wait on yo' lazy behind.)
Basic hygiene a must.
Touchy touchy a must.
Yup, that about does it.
I'm not too picky.

Applicants may apply in the comments section of this blog. Even if you are not applying to be my "back-up," please comment anyway.

I'm Back

I missed ya'll. I spent a lot of my time this week at the library and reading and writing. I've devoured 4 books since Monday and have 4 more waiting for me. I've been sitting still and looking inward. It's been good for me. I've missed it. Right now we're on baby watch and I'm going to be the official birth photographer, like the last time. It'll happen in the next few days since Cate's "water" broke last night. Birth is a much slower process than the movies lead you to believe. Anyhow, I have loads to post about, but I've got loads of other things to do, so I'll catch up later!

Breakin'

Check out these pictures! I love my family! I took these photos!

Also, starting tomorrow, I am taking a one week break from blogging and the internet in general.

Ta-ta for now!

"Look at my 'Serious Face'!"

Since Kimberly and Tiff apparently have to know:

I WAS BORN LIKE THIS!

There is no cure for the HotNess.

(I swear my eyes are getting greener. Even if I am 90% forehead.)

My "Serious Face" record is still only 13 seconds.

Mr. Rozzi's Opus

I Googled my 6th grade band teacher who had an enormous empact on my life and found him! He has a Jazz band in Atlanta. I even found his email address! I'm going to email him and thank him. I'm actually a little bit nervous about it. What if he doesn't remember me? He was my teacher for 3 years and pushed me really hard, harder than I liked actually, but he saw something in me that I didn't, and made me the very best in my section. He would sign me up for competitions and constantly challenged me. I thought he was picking on me sometimes, but as I've gotten older, I've wanted to thank him a thousand times, but didn't know how. Especially since he'd moved and no one seemed to know where. He created the musical foundation I needed to move on to band and eventually singing in high school. Music is in my soul thanks to him.

Just thought I'd share.

It's like this...

I know that I have been given a Gift for working with children. I've always known this. And so I have almost always worked with children. But it is exhausting. It is the most rewarding, but most draining thing you can possibly do. I have to take a break from it every couple of years or I burn out and lose my love for it.

I love the beauty industry. Fashion, hair, makeup. And I feel that I am very talented in this regard. Did you know that I completely re-style people that I randomly see in public in my head? I can look at someone for 15 seconds and tell you whether or not what they have going on is working for them and what would work better for them. I can tell you what tones they should add to their hair to bring out their eyes, or to brighten their complexion. And, I get a lot of joy out of helping women and girls feel better about themselves. And I know that this too, is a Gift.

I hope that sometime in the next 10 years, I can start a family and have my own children to take care of. When that happens, I will focus all of my child-talents on my own children. But I will still need an outlet, and beauty is my craft. Something that I want to hone and practice until it's second nature to me. Taking care of children is already second nature to me. It's so instinctive and I know I will learn more and grow more when I have my own children. Beauty is something that will challenge me and give me the creative outlet that I crave.

I know what I need to do, it's the actual doing that is hard.

Coincidence...

Taurus
April 19 - May 19

Embrace the changes in your life with open arms today, dear Taurus. It may be extremely difficult for you to let go of something in your life - especially something that you are very emotionally tied to. Realize that there are many forces urging you to change, and that the more you resist these forces, the more you are stunting your own growth. Instead of digging in your heels, kick them up in celebration and take off running to a new destination.

Read on Ya'll...

Let me say it again...

I love my job.
More than I expected.
The best part is, they love me too. Actually, I receive more compliments and praise from management and co-workers than ever in my life.
Dilemma:
I thought I would be well enough by October to start going to school full time and that I would be able to continue working.
Now I realize that it is probably not possible. As much as I would like to hope and pray and work towards it happening, I know that I'll end up sicker and have to quit both and just recover.
School is 7 hours a day, 5 days a week.
Work is 5 hours a day, 4 days a week.
Doing both would create three 12 hour days, plus two 7's and a 5.
I worked a 50 hour week a month ago and thought I was going to die. It hurt so bad. My eyes had deep grey circles underneath.
I can easily do one, or the other.
If I just stay at my job that I love, I can and will move up through the company, but 15 years later, I'll probably only make $40K a year, if that.
If I go to school full time, I'll be making $40K after about a year and it will get better as I get better.
It seems obvious right?
Dilemma:
Have you ever seen the magic when a child in crisis finally opens up? When the moment comes that you know they trust you?
When they start speaking again?
This happened today.
There is a 4 yr old with topaz eyes who hasn't spoken since she arrived 3 weeks ago. She would just stare at me with those big round eyes and I couldn't get her to smile, or talk. I can make anyone smile! Last week she finally started laughing and smiling. Monday, she approached me and tapped me on my arm. I asked her what she needed and she just looked at me with those eyes. I tried to get her to point, or speak, or draw me a picture of what she needed, but she just blinked at me. Finally, I held out my arms to her. She jumped into my arms and held onto me like she was sinking. I told her that if she ever needed another hug, to just come get one. She nodded and went back to the doll house and barbies. Today while she was playing with one of the other girls, I heard her whisper, "No, you have to open it." She looked at me with a surprised expression that mirrored my own. Up until that moment, I wasn't even sure if she spoke english since her mother doesn't. But she had never responded when I spoke to her in spanish either. She still won't speak to me, but I've noticed that she doesn't speak to adults, only other children. But now she knows that I know. I still don't get words, but I get a lot more non-verbal communication from her. She catches my hand whenever I walk by and follows me around the shelter. Her mother thanks me profusely everyday for loving her children.
And then:
They treat me like some kind of God-send. My responsibilities and experience are growing. They gave me an office and a desk and a computer. Everyone else shares desks and computers. I share my office with the Children's Specialist, I am officially the "Family Support." We work side by side. I "safety plan" with the kids and teach them how to dial 911. I show them a chart of their bodies and find out if they've been abused. I make CPS reports. I order popsicles and juice boxes. I supervise volunteers. I help facilitate a parenting class and children's group therapy. I sing "London Bridge" and read stories. I plan "Movie Afternoon" and "Splash Day" and instigate water fights. I rock babies. I held two at once while they cried today and came home with snotty shoulders. They count on me. I love this place. It's gotten into my system.
But:
I need an education. I don't want to end up stuck, with no education and a sense of obligation so strong that I let the place sap my vital life energy. I have to find a way to do what I want and what I need, within the limits set by this unwelcome illness.
Pray for me.

Most favorite quote of ALL time.

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
~ Sam Keen.

Yeah, I'm Deep

N
is for
Nutty
E
is for
Enjoyable
S
is for
Spunky
S
is for
Successful
A
is for
Amorous

Or my full name....

L
is for
Logical
E
is for
Elegant
A
is for
Abstract
H
is for
Happy

V
is for
Vain
A
is for
Alluring
N
is for
Neglected
E
is for
Exquisite
S
is for
Sweet
S
is for
Saucy
A
is for
Arty

What Does Your Name Mean?

Loner

I went and saw a movie all by myself today. And I liked it. I've never done that before. It was partially because of family drama and the need to avoid it, but mostly it was a desire to do something I'd never done before. Ya'll know that I hate, hate, hate, to be alone. It was good for me to sit all by myself. I don't know if I'll make a habit of this, but it definitely made my normal commentary non-existent. It just isn't as fun without someone you know to whisper obnoxious or interesting comments to. I'm sure that theaters everywhere are hoping that I keep it up, since it shuts me up properly. I was very very bad during Star Wars. I laughed out loud several times. When it wasn't funny. I made my sister laugh so hard that the folks in front of us turned around and gave us the Evil Eye.
So officially, I definitely prefer to see movies with other people. But going it alone wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be. I'm gonna try one new thing every week. I'll let you know how it goes.

sucker...

While I was wandering around a huge outlet mall in the middle of the desert...

I found my true love.

His name is Guy. He's from Israel.

He told me I was beautiful and held my hand. Then he massaged my hands while he gazed into my eyes.

Now I'm a little bit poorer. But my nails look great...

Ha ha!

I totally got suckered. But I'm ok with it. That man needs a raise! I have never in my life met a more charming salesman. Never.

Well done Guy. Well done.

I must be getting old...

I have a closet full of BEAUTIFUL shoes and because I have to be on my feet all day long and I spend time on a playground that is covered in bark, I wear these, these (not in that hideous color thank goodness), these, and these (in black).

*sighs*

It's Tragic.

Take the MIT WEBLOG SURVEY!

SadNess

I spent the day with an old friend. We shopped and chatted all afternoon. He's changed so much.

My heart broke today.

Alcohol is a demon. I've watched it consume a sister, a brother, and now my friend. My hope for him is that he will overcome it like my sister and my brother have. Although they both still struggle at times.

He has been a remarkable rock in my life for the past 6 years. He's seen me through the darkest times. He knows every side, every facet of who I am. He knows my deepest dreams and goals and has always pushed me towards them when I seem to be stalled, or lost, or just unwilling to move. He's held me when I've cried and loved me through good and bad.

Now he has stalled. In his eyes, I can see everything that he won't tell me. He can see the concern in mine. But our unwillingness or inability to talk about it created awkward moments today. I keep telling myself that he'll talk about it when he's ready.

He introduced me to an attractive man this afternoon. Who invited me to a party. I smiled and flirted and told him I'd call. I won't. Because my friend will drink. And I will have no choice but to see him lose control. I can live in denial when he is with me because he's sober. Sometimes when he calls me I can hear the demon in his voice. Sometimes, he doesn't answer when I call and calls me back with weak excuses. But I know why.

I'm crying hot and achy tears as I write this. I miss the man he is inside.

He is the one who told me I am beautiful and I believed it for the first time. He is the one who built the pedestal and placed me on it so that I would never settle. The one who helped me understand and recognize so much of the divinity that is inherent in each of us. His goals have always been so pure, his intentions so noble. He is such a part of me, that watching him lose touch makes me feel a little less stable. It frightens me. I don't know how to help him. I don't think he will let me. I wish he would talk to me about it. My heart repeats a prayer for him over and over and over.

Night-Night Time

I love living with a 2 year old. But you know something? For all the poopy diapers and tantrums and late night crying and watching Finding Nemo 50 times a day, it just makes me more baby hungry. My mom called me at work on Thursday night and said that Boodji was with her because Big Mama was having some early labor pains and they'd gone to the hospital. I didn't even think twice, I said, "Ok, I'm leaving here in about 15 minutes, I'll come right over and get him." I didn't have to. My mom could keep him and his parents could pick him up later that night or even the next morning. I walked in the door to my mom's house at 8:20pm, and my mom was sitting in the rocking chair with Boodji. He saw me and put his little arms up and said, "Lah-Lo." My mom told me he had a fever and I took him from her and sat with him in the rocking chair and asked him what he'd been doing at Nina's (my mom), and he told tell me in his little voice that he'd been watching movies and drinking juice, etc. Then he turned and wrapped his baby arms around my neck and buried his face in my neck. He's done that since he was born. It's the official "night-night" position. I rocked him and sang to him until he fell asleep. Then we put the car seat in my car and I took him home.

I want this in my life. I want my own babies that call me "Mama" and have special lullabies and who I can rock to sleep in their jammies. I need to be needed like that.

I realize that I need to be preparing for it. I need to be emotionally and spiritually and physically ready for kids. I'm trying to fight the fatigue so that I can be ready for school in the fall, but it's also so I can be strong enough to have or at least to take care of babies. I've been preparing in a lot of ways my whole life, but now I'm setting goals and preparing with this as my specific focus. My whole life, I had my mission as my goal and all my preparation was focused on that one thing. You'd think I would have already been focused on a family, but I really wasn't. I've had the last two and a half years to just be selfish and not have to think about anyone but myself. I've had enough therapy to know that a certain degree of selfishness is healthy, but I'm always a better person when my personal goals benefit more than just myself. Who knows when it will actually happen for me? Maybe never, but hopefully soon.

Chronicles of the Jungle

I'm bored... be entertained.

Pretend like you really want to know how extremely long my hair has gotten

and

scroll

on

down.

Bring It Gwyneth. You got nothin'.

Jealous?

Jen is.


Add about 4 inches, and this is what my glorious locks look like when I spend 45 minutes straightening them. (Who has time for that?)

How low can you go?

Even when girl gots extensions, sh'ain't got nothin' on me.

Yee Haw!

I measured my hair last week and it was 22 inches long and brushing my elbows...

Ta Da!

Just kidding!

But, I'm really really feeling this haircut right now. My hair is officially down to my elbows and all I do is pull it back. It's boring. I'm going nuts. It's really really hot and soul-sucking dry here. I have to deep condition my massive mane every other day or it's a frizzy jungle. Not even the sexy jungle of last summer. It's bad. I've either got to change the color drastically or lop it all off. Suggestions my dears?