News brief

Day 3 of detox.... so far so good. I had acupuncture again yesterday and was incredibly relaxed afterward. A-punk is amazed that I haven't had any adverse reactions yet. The vitamins and powders and herb elixirs are NASTY, but other than that, it isn't too bad. I'm on leave from school for the next few weeks until I feel better and I'm slowly unpacking in my new place. That's pretty much it for me. I'll keep ya'll posted!

morning thoughts

The funny thing about rescuing is that as soon as someone does, or offers to, you realize that rescuing isn't what you want after all. What you want is the security of unconditional love and support while you rescue yourself.

Thanks.

the perfect man

I have the perfect man in my life. I usually only get to see him on the weekends, but it's always a fantastic experience. These are some of the reasons I love him: His face lights up whenever I enter the room. He loves the sound of my voice. We spend the weekend laughing, playing games, having food fights, and cuddling. He has irresistable love handles and is endlessly kissable. And I miss him so much when he's gone that I try to stop by his house during the week just to sneak a few kisses. He's 11 months old today. He's my Cheeks!






p.s. I won't be posting as often because I moved and we don't have a computer. But I'll check in at least once a week. Ta ta!

A little bit of History

Ok, don't get offended by what I have to say right now.
I'm not trying to take this out on or disrespect anyone, I'm trying to explain. Thank you all for your concern, from the bottom of my heart, but I must say:

For the ten thousandth time, I AM NOT DEPRESSED.

Several people in the last two weeks have offered suggestions to help me with my depression. I don’t suffer from depression. Now you might be saying to yourself, "that's what depressed people say." You might think I'm in denial. But let me just say that just because you don't have my condition, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. So really, don't be mad. I'm not. Now I’m going to tell you a story.

Once upon a time in 2002, a young girl was serving as a missionary for her church in Cleveland, Ohio. She loved it. When she’d been there 7½ months, she was assigned to train a new missionary and was having a difficult time. Her trainee was difficult, the congregation was not supportive, and to top it all off, she started getting really tired and didn't want to get out of bed. She was having chronic migraines and was emotional. So she called her mission president and told him she thought she was suffering from depression. A few weeks later, he sent her to a church counselor. The church counselor was a fantastic person. He listened to her concerns, asked her questions, gave her advice, and then told her that he honestly did not think that she was suffering from depression. It was a normal stress response. He said that in the LDS community, it was common for people to think that if they were having a bad day, week, month, that there was something wrong. Because if they weren't happy 100% of the time, they must not be praying hard enough or they must be depressed. (Sometimes people are depressed and they need help and I’m all for that. If that is indeed the problem. Which it oftentimes is.) He said that she was stressed out, but since she had the physical symptoms of depression, he would refer her to a psychiatrist. Because she asked him to. The psychiatrist asked her questions, looked at her like a bug, thought she was strange for coming in because he didn't think she was depressed, and prescribed her Zoloft because that's his job and because she insisted that she had depression. He said the meds would help with the physical symptoms. Well, that depends on your definition of "help." She was given a sample pack which would get the meds into her system over the course of 3 weeks. By this time, she was feeling better emotionally because of a change of scenery and companionship. She started the meds, but was becoming more and more tired. To the point that she really could not get out of bed. She thought she just needed time for the meds to kick in. But the meds were making the problem worse. Her mission president and his wife saw her at a meeting. They called her that night and told her that they loved her and that they really and truly didn’t believe she was depressed. They said that she just looked really tired. She told them she felt really tired. They asked if she’d ever heard of the Epstein Barr Virus. She had. Her father and some of his siblings had struggled with chronic fatigue believed to be caused by this virus. They sent her to the Cleveland Clinic to get tested. The results were positive. They also told her she'd very recently had mono. The doctors told her that there was no cure. That she would be tired off and on for the rest of her life, not to party too hard, and to have a nice life. She was upset. She went to the library and read some information on the condition. She found studies linking this virus to the type of cancer that killed her father. She drew some conclusions. She cried and was stressed out. She told her mission president she wanted to go home. He said he’d call her in the morning with her departure information. He called her the next morning and said that she needed to stay. He had her mother call her and reassure her. She stuck it out. It was difficult, but it was worth it.

When she came home, most people acted like she was a lazy hypochondriac whenever she mentioned her condition. She went to a doctor two years later who had a theory. He thought her fatigue was caused by constant allergic reactions that were depressing her adrenal function. (There’s your depression in case you were looking for it.) He wanted her to start a hypoallergenic diet. He didn’t really tell her how but at least he believed her. She still felt overwhelmed and alone. She felt good about what he’d told her, but still struggled with fatigue. She started eating more sugar (the chocolate box) for energy, but that made things worse. She tried to push through it. It got worse. She had to leave her friends in Provo and move to where her family was so they could help her. It was hard. She still misses her friends. She tried to eat really healthy and get lots of sleep and only worked part time. It worked for a while. She still felt tired and sick a lot, but it wasn’t as bad because she didn’t have much she had to do everyday. Then she decided to go to school. She was confident that she was healthy enough to handle 12-14 hour days. She started school. She was mostly ok for the first 6 weeks. Then she started getting stomach bugs, colds, random headaches, and then, debilitating fatigue. Everything she ate made her sick. Her poop was Crazy. Her food allergies started getting worse. Her body was reacting to everything. Last week, her mother was out of town and she was alone at her house and she was very tired and very afraid and started having some panic attacks and realized she has some anxiety issues. But these were her first real panic attacks in her life. And it was because she could not control her body and she felt alone and unsupported. But she feels that way even with her mother around. She didn’t go to school for a straight week and left a message for the school director telling her that she needed to talk about her condition. She called her sister and told her how she felt. Her sister listened, believed her, reassured her, and made an appointment for her to see a naturopathic doctor who practices traditional Chinese medicine. He reassured her, believed her, asked her about her medical history, told her that the theory of the second doctor was best, expounded on that theory, made sense, and stuck needles in her body that helped stimulate her natural energy, calm her fears and alleviate her anxiety. She finally felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel. He told her that this is what is going on in her body. I know it sounds really weird. This site explains it too. He told her to go on a hypoallergenic diet. He told her exactly how and gave her his email and phone number in case she had questions. He said that he would do whatever it takes to help her feel better.

And so that’s my story, that’s where I am, and even though this is still vague and pretty obnoxious, it gets the point across. And I don't hate you if you think I'm depressed. In case you’re wondering what happened to the Zoloft, after my body got hooked on it, my insurance fought me about paying for it. I didn’t have any for a week and started going through withdrawals. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. They approved my meds after I called them 10,000 times during my withdrawals and I stayed on it until my fatigue diagnosis. Then I slowly weaned myself off and felt like I was coming back to life.

I’m not against taking medication if you need it. If you have depression, I hope you find the help you need. If you have that help, I’m happy for you. If your body is haywire, I suggest naturopathy. Traditional western medicine has become all about masking symptoms instead of making the body whole. No one should have to live with chronic illness or pain.

The End.

No they didn't...

This made me really happy today. It's really long though, you only need a couple of minutes of it to appreciate it.

What on earth?!

I am shocked ya'll. Read this article about how hurricane Katrina survivors are being denied their rights. Then do something.

Stuck up

I had a needle in my forehead today. And it wasn't administering botox or collagen or anything else like that. It actually felt good and I was really calm afterward. My acupuncturist, thenceforward referred to as "A-punk", told me that it releases endorphins similar to a runner's high. I liked it a lot. I also had needles in my legs and feet, abdomen, and arms. When I gave him a run down of my medical history and the type of care I've received, he was horrified. Yeah dude, welcome to year 26 of medical incompetence. But he offered a lot of solutions and made me feel confident that I will be feeling better sooner than later. He did warn me that the first week of the detox I'm going on will be hell, but that I can call him anytime it gets too hard and he'll help me. My sister is going to do it too. Just to clarify, the "detox" is basically eating only hypoallergenic foods (steamed veggies and fruit and rice protein shakes) for two weeks to clean my system out and then in the third week, reintroducing foods by family to see what is causing me to react. This is a pretty common thing doctors have their patients do, it's usually referred to as the "food elimination diet." Finding out what's hurting you through the process of elimination. A-punk told me that if my fatigue doesn't start to improve on this system, that we'll do blood work to check on my adrenal function and we'll go from there. I feel relieved. It's nice to be validated and to find people who believe me and are willing to help me get better.

ol' lazy self

I've been using my crazy-busy-life/fatigue/family issues as an excuse to not build any relationships. It's true that I don't know anyone, but that is my fault. I need to go out and meet people and have some kind of social life to keep myself sane. And I want to settle down. Truly. There's a one month old baby in the shelter right now and I hold him every chance I can get. I got to give him a bottle today and I have to say, I am crazy baby hungry ya'll. I've been informed that statements like this scare off potential suitors, but I don't care. I'm never going to hide the fact that I am crazy about kids to catch myself a man. And as I told my homeboy Ryan recently, it's not like I start talking about babies on the first date, and I'm definitely not the kind of girl who wants a honeymoon baby. I just really want to find someone as committed to raising a happy healthy family as I am. I'd love to get married, settle in, travel, develop a fantastic relationship, then bring little people in. But none of this happens overnight. And it rarely just shows up on your doorstep when you least expect it, regardless of what people say. I recognize that I've got to do my part. So even though I'm stressed to capacity right now, I'm going to take the time to go to more ward activities and get to know people. And who knows? Maybe I'll go against the grain and ask that tall dark and handsome guy in my ward out.

oh yeah, if you want to get with this, read this first. then holla.

feeling pokey

i went into a traditional grocery store looking for food recently because there wasn't much in the house. i was too lazy(tired) to drive out to the farmers market/healthier food store where i usually shop. what struck me is how much frozen food there is. i know, i used to live off frozen prepackaged food that was whipped up in a factory.

now i pretty much eat things that have come from scratch. or pretty close to it. because i have so very many food sensitivities i have to be super careful in order to function everyday. i'm not always careful, but i'm trying.

i don't even like to eat out anymore, because it's a pain and it makes other people uncomfortable when i start asking the server a zillion questions and send them back to ask the cook questions, check the grill for cross contamination, etc. and usually, even after they've assured me that they will take care of it, i end up reacting to the food anyway. cross contamination is the devil.

my sensitivities seem to be getting worse as i get older. so i eat pretty much the same thing everyday, but i've always been like that so it's ok. (i see you nodding ritz.)

but i have to be the one to make my food. i don't even always trust my mom. because this is the first year of my life (count 'em, 26) that she can actually name most of my food allergies. but she is definitely getting better about it.

it'll be nice to live with my sis, reb, because she has basically the same allergies as me, plus about 10,000 more. she is remarkably kind. she is letting me live with her for free and she is paying for me start seeing her acupuncturist. he is going to help me with my allergies and fatigue. because it's getting to be too much. i'm a young and vital person and i can't live like this anymore. western medicine has failed me so i'm looking eastward for help now. i have my first appointment on friday afternoon after school. i'm really excited.

luckily i'm not afraid of needles. but he's more than just needles, i'm going on a strict detox regimen as well. i know it won't fix me overnight and i've been assured that this regimen is difficult, but it's worth it. i'm at my whit's end. i'll let you know how it goes.

Hey!

Hasselhoff distracted everyone from taking my quiz. If you haven't taken it already, get to it! My favorite part is that the people who know me best are doing Badly! Mwah ha ha!

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

No thank you sir, you're older than your birfday!

What's with the man handling?

Em and Ritzy's boyfriends rocking to the Backstreet Boys

Seriously ya'll, I just about peed my pants. My favorite part is the guy in the background minding his own business.

Oh dear...

Ok now, I had no idea that emotions ran so high about my hair. Ya'll have been cool about it on my blog but I've gotten some crazy reactions to the "should I chop my hair?" question at home. Friends family and perfect strangers alike are divided. And I've received opposition from some unlikely sources (a short haired sister among others). I'll spare you the details. Anyhow, The reason I posed this question to the blogiverse is not because I am seeking approval, it's because I'm seeking feedback. And since most of my dear friends live far away this is the best medium to receive that feedback. I trust that none of you want me to look crazy so you'll tell me honestly what you think. And I truly appreciate that. If you are attached to my hair that's cool. I love you too. If you want me to, I'll send it to you when and if I cut it off. But as India says, I Am Not My Hair. As I told a friend this week, "Hair and fashion go much deeper for me than just hoping some guy thinks I'm alright. Because I think I'm more than just alright, and I'm going into an industry that is all about looks. The way I present myself will Affect everything from who hires me, to how much money I make, and who my clientele will be. My current hair is perceived as conservative, basic, boring. If I want to get noticed in this industry, I have to stand out." Maybe keeping it long will help me stand out, I don't know yet. But I do know that it grows back. Here's an easier way for ya'll to let me know how you feel. Take my poll!

I made a quiz!

Take My Quiz - on - QuizYourFriends.com!

Hair arguments.

This is from a photo of me and Ritzy and Natalie, but since this post is all about me, I cut them out. Temporarily! Oh yeah, and my hair is long is this photo, but all you see are the front layers.







I love this photo. My hair turned out perfect by accident that day.

This is me as a missionary. Towards the end of my mission.

This is when I was about 20, the guy was my sister's boyfriend at the time.

Check it! This is me at 16!

Another mission photo. This is notoriously the worst haircut of my life. The one I had to fix myself with folding sewing scissors. Luckily the duck-like hairstyles were in full swing.

I think I look startled in this photo.

I think I look good with pretty much any hair. I'm still really unsure what to do with my hair because I'm particular. I need ideas!

Shear clumsiness?

I have a conundrum. For the last two months, I have been learning to cut hair using specific shears. They are lightweight, sharp, and I quickly learned to handle them with no mishaps. Now that I am working on real people, I am told to use different shears that were included in my kit. They are bulkier, heavier, and a good ¼" longer than the others. Because of this, every time I have used them on a real person, I've cut myself. The first time was the tip of my thumb while I was cutting my brother's hair. Luckily, it was shallow and healed relatively quickly. The second was the cut in my previous post, which after nearly a week, has finally developed a scab, but still hurts like the dickens. The 3rd and 4th I acquired while cutting my mom's hair Thursday. They are both on my left index finger, both shallow, but both uncomfortable. The answer seems to be that I need to go back to using the original shears. The reason this is a conundrum at all is because my school considers the other shears to be "mannequin shears" even though they are reasonably expensive ($90) and made for people. They just won't let me use them. I think I'm going to have to show them my marred left hand as substantiation that the $200 shears are a hazard and ask for a refund.

Going to great lengths

Listen ya'll. My hair is boring. Even if it is cut well. It's long and I never do it because it's long. And the desert is hellishly hot. It's time to let it go. Really. If you disagree, I will give you until July 19th to give me good reason why not. Because I will have decided by July 20th what I'm going to do to it and I'm going to implement it. Yes, I do have a lot of haircuts picked out so I can take my hair short in stages, but my flavor is changing so I need to do some new research before I choose. And I'm feeling like I need to do something drastic. If you are adamant that I should not cut my hair, you can try bribing me with my New Love. Or something along those lines. By the way, I'm still obsessed with this one too. I am open for hair suggestions. You can even email me photos if you want.

Improvements.

The Universe must've been mad at me for not doing my hair. The last two weeks have been rotten. Besides all the things I told you about, my week ended with these really gross things: the family cat has been very sick and a large lump on her back has turned into a huge oozing sore and she's skin and bones and luckily she's finally going to the vet tomorrow. Yesterday during my very first real live haircut on a person, I cut a mean gash in my middle finger with my samurai-sword-sharp shears that bled for an hour. I had to finish her hair with a bandage and a rubber glove on one hand.
Life's been rough, but I can already feel a shift.
Reasons why things are better:
*Ya'll have been really supportive and I'm blessed to know you.
*As I was reading my scriptures, I found a verse that gave me the focus and comfort I needed.
*I found out that 3 of my classmates have been feeling the same way as I have and we've been really supportive of each other.
*My friend's haircut/color turned out beautifully and she gave me a big tip, even though I'd nearly mortally wounded myself in the process.
*A girl in the class ahead of me who's been a jerk told me that I do gorgeous work.
*I'm moving into my new place on the 22nd.
*I'm participating in a hairshow in August where all the salons in the valley will be able to see my work and I already have my model. I'm part of the 80's segment and I'm doing a modern version of the flock of seagulls classic.
*It's almost monsoon season, so the air is more humid and there are actually clouds in the sky.

Oh yeah, I put a chat box in my sidebar. It's towards the bottom. Leave me love notes!

Reality bites...

I woke up late this morning, got ready and rushed out the door at 7am to find my car, my mother's car, and my garage door covered with drying chunks of egg. One hour more and it would be so hot the egg would bake into the paint and ruin it. I ran in the house and woke my mom up, got rags and the hose and started washing. Luckily the egg hadn't dried. Between the egg and the evil ants that attacked my feet and legs, my morning was thoroughly shot. And I was trying really hard to keep my all white ensemble clean. School starts at 8am. It takes 45 min - 1 hr to get there. School policy is that if you aren't there by 9am, don't bother coming. By the time everything was clean, my clothes were not and … you get the picture. I went back to bed.

This whole school thing is rough. The learning itself isn't the problem. The problem is that I don't have any time to myself. No quiet reflection time, no reading time, no time to discover new music. No time to write poetry. No photography. My life is mindless grind. I get up very early and get dressed very quickly. Ironically, I rarely do my hair. My eyebrows are out of hand. My makeup is ok, but remarkably basic. I've left the house on two different occasions with chipped nail polish. (I once cried my eyes out on my mission because my trainer wouldn't let me fix my chipped nail before we left the house. I was raised that it's tacky and inexcusable.) My clothes are all white. I don't even look at which whites I'm pairing anymore. Because I don't care. My favorite skirt and shirt are ruined. I wear ugly shoes for comfort and spend my time trying to dodge the foulness and drama that's swirling all around me all day. This setup is making me mean, impatient, unkind, and unhappy. My first instructor gave me great advice, not to let anyone steal my joy. I repeat this to myself several times a day. It's hard, I tell you. I'm constantly on my guard and by the time I get to work everyday, I don't have any physical or emotional energy to help the kids. My boss sees it, but she's patient and supportive.

Something's gotta give.

I've already gotten really sick twice and I've used all my sick days for the school year except one; even though I've been meticulous about eating healthy, drinking TONS of water and taking vitamins. How come the people who get wasted every night after school and come in unprepared and hung over and stupid and who live off Red Bull and diet pills aren’t getting sick? I barely have time to do my laundry and grocery shopping and homework. I knew I was going to have to make some sacrifices for school, but I'm only 2 months into it and I feel like it's taking more than I'm capable of giving. Last week when I woke up with the stomach flu, I was sure at first that it was my chronic fatigue coming back with a vengeance because I was so tired I could barely move. I lay in my bed thinking about the implications of a new bout of fatigue and cried. The gut wrenching sickness that ensued was actually a relief.

When I started school, I wondered why there were so many pretty girls walking around with horrible looks on their faces. Now I realize that it's the stress of the environment. It makes you bitter. I love this field. I love what I'm learning. I'm angry that there are so many people around me doing everything they can to keep me down and make my life a living hell. To take the joy of learning what I love away from me. Often, these are people who don't have to support themselves and who don't have $14,000 in loans to pay back. It's overwhelming. I know that it'll be all right in the end because it always is, but the mean time is difficult.

Monkey see... monkey do...

To copy Em:

I put in several pictures cuz the website said to so you can see which pictures come up the most often.

Eva Herzigova came up the most. Usually 70% or more.
Liv Tyler 75%
Mena Suvari 74%
Carole Lombard 73%
Angelina Jolie 72%
Ava Gardner 72%
Jean Harlow 72%
Rachel Leigh Cook 71% is another one that showed up lots.
Christian Slater 70%
Halle Berry 66%
Jackie Kennedy Onassis 64%













So, how do I look like all of these people? I don't. But I'm vain and I like that so many gorgeous people popped up.

Ups and downs

I'm finally better!
And while we're talking about good news, my sister Reb and I are getting an apartment together. It's going to cut my commute drastically and save me a ton of money in gas. I'll be living about 3 miles from work and 25 minutes from school. Instead of 15 miles from work and 45 min to 1 hour+ from school. I'm really excited about it. We'll be moving in towards the end of the month. Hooray!
Oh yeah! I've moved on to Phase II at school and have classes downstairs now. At school yesterday, I had to practice wrapping a perm. I have never, in my life, had anything to do with perm rods. I wish that were still true. My instructor decided that since I'm nice, she'd ask me to help other people with whatever they're doing, including showing some needy boy how to roll hair onto the rods and washing hair color out of someone else's bowls while they were at lunch. I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was all the propaganda about service I've been fed my entire life. But it just made me mad by the end of the day. Because putting an entire head of long hair on perm rods and then taking them out again took me the entire day, but it needn't have. And I'm still tired from having the flu and 7 hours is a long time on your feet. At the end of the day when we were cleaning up, I asked some of the people who I'd helped for some assistance and needy boy looked at me like I was crazy. And then he motioned for me to go away. That's when I realized my mistake all day. That I'd wasted my education hours on other people. None of them would help me if I ever needed it. I looked at needy boy and said, "Never again. Just so we're clear. Do not under any circumstances ask me for a moment of my time again. Because I'm not doing anything for you." I'm going to have to let my instructor know next week that unless she's giving me a cut of her paycheck, I'm not going to help her do her job.